I met my husband my very first day at college.
I moved into Koonce Hall early on that Sunday and got ready for the 5 p.m. meeting with the hall staff.
I settled into a spot on the floor as they went around introducing themselves. This light-skinned black guy with the easygoing demeanor opened his mouth and said, “Hello, my name is Thomas Jefferson….”
I honestly didn’t hear anything else after that. Something in my brain clicked and I said to myself, “Oh, all that is good and holy – I think I just met my husband!”
He was the assistant hall director in his first year of grad school. He had taken the assistantship to pay for his degree, a Master’s in higher education administration. He was 23 and very mature for his age. Didn’t swear, didn’t drink, didn’t smoke.
I spent my freshman year chasing after him. He wasn’t looking to date a college freshman, but I was so darned persistent. I went to every hall meeting, regardless of what else was going on, and made up excuses to go see him. He had no choice but give me a second look.
We hooked up right before I left for summer break and things were always hot and heavy with us. One month in, we were saying, “I love you.” Three months in, he told me he could see us getting married. Six months in, he bought me a promise ring on a surprise trip to the mall. One and a half years later, he purchased an engagement ring (without telling me.)
Almost two years into our relationship (after he bought the ring but before he proposed) we discovered I was pregnant. My junior year of college. We decided to keep our original plans and get married after I graduated.
Our daughter, who we affectionately call Baby, was born my senior year. We had moved in together and he worked while I stayed with Baby and went to class. We were planning our wedding, raising Baby, he was looking for a new job, and I was trying to graduate and land a full-time job.
It was stressful, but we managed. We got married as planned and it was a wonderful day and an even better honeymoon. Not even six months after saying, “I do,” we got another positive pregnancy test. I was not at all ready for another baby. We had talked about trying for another baby, but not at that time.
I admittedly was very grouchy. I still had dreams of becoming this big-time writer and every single decision I was making – having kids, getting married – was seemingly keeping me from my dreams. I became resentful toward my husband without realizing it.
Every little thing he would do wrong – not offering to wash the dishes, his refusal to bathe the kids, the fact that piles of dirty clothes would sit there for weeks and weeks – would make me question why I married him. I know I loved him, but why was I married? Why weren’t things working out the way I had hoped?
Things came to a boiling point after my son was born, when I had had enough of crying and in the middle of one of these breakdowns, I asked my husband, “Why is it that I cry every single damn day? I’m getting tired of this!”
In his typical calm, cool demeanor he simply said, “It’s because you resent me. You think you got married too young. You weren’t ready for this.”
It’s like a lightbulb went off in my head. He was right. I did resent him. Every single thing I felt was wrong with my life – in my mind at least – stemmed back to him. The reason I wasn’t in New York working for a glossy magazine? His sperm created a child I had to take care of. The reason I wasn’t spending enough time with my friends? I was too exhausted from taking care of everyone else throughout the week that I just wanted to sleep all weekend.
I sat down and determined there were two ways to end my resentment toward him:
One, become the writer I’ve always wanted to be. There was no reason, now or then, that I couldn’t write. Just because I didn’t live in the center of the media world, didn’t mean that I couldn’t fulfill my dreams.
Two, stop blaming him for everything. I actively pursued this relationship and wanted it to work. He has always been the perfect guy for me. Smart, ambitious, extremely considerate and caring for others. He was a fabulous dad, who was always willing to go all out for his kids. He always put our needs first. And I did love him.
So I began this blog. Suddenly, I felt like a writer again. It felt like my words mattered, and even if I only had 100 visitors a day, it was enough for me to let go of the resentment I had allowed to fester over the past two years.
So know that when you read these posts, you’re not just reading about my every day experiences. You’re helping to repair my marriage.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Tara 
That’s beautiful and I think it is a great lesson for new young mothers. I just had this conversation with one of my good friends, as we were brainstorming viable ideas and directions to take her upcoming magazine.
Too often are new young mothers led to believe, either by others or due to fear, that just because we’ve had children that life is now over. It is not true that being a good mother means spending every waking moment of your existence with those children. It is not true that pursuing your dreams and making a name for yourself means that you are neglecting your motherly duties. Life doesn’t end after motherhood, it simply gets better!
I am glad that you found blogging and that it gives you a sense of fulfillment. My blog, as you already know, works in some of the same ways for me.
A great post. I too was/am a young mom, and can relate a bit.
Thanks for this. It does put things into perspective. Sometimes I feel like life just didn’t work out the way I planned but then I realize that, no, it turned out different, but better. That helps me appreciate all the insane amounts of hard work I put into this family and not feel as resentful since I got myself into it!
What a wonderful post. So revealing and honest. You didn’t have to tell us all that but by becoming transparent you become more than just words on a screen.
I truly wish you all the best in your marriage and encourage you to keep writing.
I just wrote something similar to this (not on my blog though) about putting career and education and aspirations on hiatus while being a stay at home mom. I found that many women my age (a decade older than you I think) have the same conflicts in being wife, mother, themselves. While your aspirations may be picked up again in your mid- late 20s or early 30s we’ll be in our 40s before we can resume our careers and aspirations the way we did before children. It’s just as tough for older moms as for younger moms.
As for the resenting the husband, I was there…mainly I was jealous because I was suffering so much during pregnancy and after the child was born and he wasn’t. It made me angry and the target for that anger and frustration was my husband. Hopefully your plan for ending the resentment will work out.
@tina: I think you make good points about being a stay-at-home mom in the middle of your career. It has got to be tough. My point was that I let resentment build up because I hadn’t even really STARTED my career and already I had responsibilities of someone twice my age. So while it may be tough to stop, take some years off to devote to raising your children (which I think is an excellent thing), sometimes it’s harder to prove yourself in the beginning. I wrote a post a while back where I said I felt pressure to stay later to work on projects (because that’s what “newbies” are supposed to do) but I couldn’t because I had to go pick my daughter up from daycare. Other recent college graduates were able to work until 6, 7 p.m. because they had no one waiting for them at home. I felt like that was holding me back. I hope that was clear – it’s early! LOL.
As far as resenting your husband – YES! Man, I had a rough pregnancy and my husband did almost nothing to help, mainly because he didn’t know what to do. Horrible morning sickness, barely able to walk, in and out of the doctor’s office – ugh. And he had the NERVE to tell me that everything was hard for him, too. So I totally feel you on that.
You have wonderful perspective that is so refreshing and wise. Keep on writing for you- I can’t wait to see what wonderful blessings the future holds for you(somehow you just seem destined for some awesome and amazing things).
Hi,
I saw your guest post at Blackandmarriedwithkids.com and today is my first time viewing your site and its very interesting. I’m 23 with a 1 year old and I can relate to many of the things I’ve read so far. Its awesome how technology can be an outlet for us, this website will open doors for you in the future and its only a stepping stone to where you’ll be in a few. You never know….oportunity will soon come knocking on your door…and you’ll be turning offers down. Keep up the good work and effort, its appreciated and I’d like to subscribe so I can stay updated
Oh my gosh! What a cute story! You pursued him? I cannot even see that LOL. You sound so much like me. I wanna kick myself for not picking up after college and moving to New York LOL.
I appreciate every word you took the time to write. I am not even married yet I have been hit by the resentment bug. But you’ve made realize that everything we deal with in life are a product of our choices. I guess I am starting to feel the anxiety of losing my right to autonomy. The thought that every decision I make will now be shared is VERY overwhelming for me right now….anyway, you’ve got yourself another follower
You have a gift of words, PLEASE never give it up. I once read a story about hot chocolate and the analogy was basically about a professor hosting a party for his former classmates and how everyone was complaining about some aspect of their life. Well, he brought out a big bowl of hot chocolate and a variety of different cups – some fancy, dull, plain, colorful. Well of course the least appealing cups were left remaining after everyone helped themselves to a drink. The moral of the story is regardless of the cup you choose, the contents remain the same and your perspective is what gives it substance. Your words are YOUR hot chocolate (corny I know) but it makes sense. Whether your writing here, for Essence mag, or the New York Times, your words are still powerful and influential. I’m young and engaged (24)…and I look forward to your advice and encouragement for future use
@ Ms. Bar B – “Life doesn’t end after motherhood, it simply gets better!” May I steal that? LOL
@Dee – I’m glad you can relate!
@Stefanie – “Sometimes I feel like life just didn’t work out the way I planned but then I realize that, no, it turned out different, but better. ” Different but better – that’s exactly what I’ve been discovering all year.
@singlemoms rock – No, I didn’t have to tell all my business
But I thought it was important for folks to understand why I do this. It’s not just some hobby to me. It’s my creative outlet. And quite possibly the turning point in my marriage, where I had two choices – I could leave because I felt he (my decisions) had squashed by dreams, or I could pursue my dreams anyway. I’m glad I chose the latter (or the former… I can never remember which is which! LOL)
@Yolanda – Man, I can’t wait to see what the future holds either. I’m beyond excited!
@ Kim – Well, I’ve talked to you through e-mail, so you know I appreciate you!
@Arlice – Yes, ma’am. I pursued him for almost 7 months before we went out on a “Date” (He took me to SUPER WAL-MART Y’ALL…And I still married him.
@Jonesi – I love that hot chocolate analogy. I probably would’ve been one of those to take one of the less fancy cups. I’m wired like that.
I know I’m on CP time when it comes to reading this blog entry, but I had to comment. It was like I could see your life playing in high definition before my eyes while I was reading. I really appreciate your honesty and wish you the best in your writing career. It’s gonna happen!!!!
More than anything, I wish you the best in your marriage and motherhood. It’s amazing to me how some of our greatest miseries become the seeds of expression that give birth to others’ deliverance. Keep doing it big, Tara!
As someone who has (and at times still does) experience many of the feelings that you did, I want to thank you for this wonderful, heartfelt post. You are helping more people than you will ever know!
Wonderful post! Awesome perspective! HE will use your gift in many ways as HE is now in this blog that has is an outlet to us readers as well!
Blessings to you, your family and you marriage!