I always check to see what terms people search for to find my blog. Last week I searched and the usual phrases popped up:
“young moms blog”
“fashion for young moms”
“sex after childbirth” – ….bowchickawowwow….
“why am I still fat?!?!” – Yes, they searched with the question marks and exclamation points…I love it!
But this time, I saw a phrase that stopped me in my tracks:
“I regret having kids.”
Now, I don’t recall where that phrase popped up on my site (I doubt it did) but it lead that person here. More than likely, it was a new mom, overwhelmed by the sacrifices and changes in her life, who wanted nothing more than for things to go back to the way they used to be.
It’s a common wish. I’m willing to bet every mom (even the ones who endured years of fertility treatments – who really, really wanted to get pregnant) has felt that way at one point or another.
But instead of banging your head against the wall, cursing the sleep deprivation and the lack of spontaneity in your life, you have to accept one simple truth:
THIS IS THE “NEW” NORMAL.
Your life won’t ever be like it was before. You won’t be able to do half the things you used to. It’s going to take time before you understand the upheaval your child has caused in your life.
You don’t “regret” having kids – you miss your old life. And that’s normal.
But you find joy in your new life. I wrote a similar post on BMWK.com. You learn to be happy.
Plus, as a bonus of this young mommy business, by the time our kids are grown, we will be in our forties! Plenty of time to be on your own, then.
Time to be honest: How many of us had a hard time adjusting to motherhood and its demands? Let me be the first to raise my hand and say, “I did!”
*raises hand* I definitely had to go through a grieving processes after having my daughter. I got pregnant right after my freshmen year of college so I missed an entire year of school to be pregnant/prepare/give birth/be a mother. I also had to move towns TWICE, I knew life would never be the same again. And honestly? I had to fight within myself to not be mad at HER at times. I knew that it was MY choices that lead me to where I was, but sometimes it was hard to accept that and I’d pass the blame along.
Anyway, I agree that it’s a totally normal experience in motherhood no matter what age you are. In fact, nearly 2 years of being parents my husband and I still have moments/days of sadness at our “new normal.” But, we quickly realize that we are incredibly blessed and just because it’s different doesn’t mean it’s bad.
I can relate to the previous comment, about the blame part. Now I love my son to death and wouldn’t trade him for any other baby in the world, however I have my moments. It’s not that I regret having him, it’s just the timing. Before I had him, I was working a great paying job, good hours, amazing benefits, etc. I was about to sign the lease to my own apartment, just leased a brand new car, and so on. Then I got pregnant, had to go on bedrest and lost my job. Things sort of went downhill from there. So naturally I’d blame my son/getting pregnant even though it was my fault.
Before I had him, if I wanted to make it somewhere and they closed in 20 mins, I knew I could throw on anything and be out the door. Now I have to get him ready and consider the weather. I can’t just walk into my favorite pizza place anymore and get a pizza. How am I going to carry him in his car seat and carry a pizza out?! So if it doesn’t have a drive through, I’m basically SOL. That was one of the hardest adjustments for me. No longer being able to just get up and go.
Next would be the lack of sleep. I have a sleeping problem. It takes me at least 20 mins to fall asleep, no matter how tired I am. Once someone wakes me up I’m up and I’m not able to nap when I wanna. Meaning that “sleep when the baby sleeps” didn’t always work with me. I like taking naps in the middle of the day when I’M ready. Right now, it’s 2:50am and I want to go to sleep but my son is WIDE awake!
I think about how different it is going to be to date someone now, how my relationships with others have changed because I have a child and they don’t, how I have to worry about a sitter if I want to go out somewhere, so on & so on. It gets to me sometimes, but I also think about how far God has brought me with my son and how blessed I am to have him. Things will be different, but for the better I know!
Yep, the feeling is totally normal. I was never a party girl or anything like that so although I was in my freshman year of college when I got pregnant, having my daughter didn’t change my life that much. I too took time off and returned when she was 7 mths. The only thing that my daughter has changed is my ability to work while going to school. I refuse to have someone else raise my baby while I “make life better”. We are in it together, so I choose to sacrifice now and reap the benefits this year when I get my degree.
Speaking of which, I actually do think its possible to regret the actual kid(s). Not every woman who becomes pregnant necessarily wants children and they “lose their futures” due to having those children. They are unable to live the lives that they were heading toward. In a way it is still missing a certain kind of life, but at the same time, there definitely will be regret of motherhood there.
I’d never say I regret having kids. I was 17 when I got pregnant with my oldest! Her father and I were very young when we started trying! Now I can’t speak for her father when I say this, as we are no longer together. However, my children are the best things that ever happen to me. There are times when I’ve wishes I had a baby sitter to stay home with my children so that I can go out! But I never once wishes that they weren’t apart of my life. A lot of positives things came to my life once I became a mother. And my children happen to be the reason why I even care at all! They give me reason and purpose that I never had before. Growing up in a household and always feeling neglected haunted me for years until I had a child of my own! The love that a child has for her mother is unconditional and I couldn’t imagine a day without them in it! For those mothers who wish that they didn’t have children for there own personal and selfish reason will regret it if there child were to ever go away and never come back. So be careful what you ask for!