Okay, I have a good friend who is a wonderful mommy to a devilishly handsome 8-month old baby boy. The father (if you want to call him that) is no longer in the picture. She needs our help trying to figure out this dating mess. Her quandary is below:
“I basically want to know how the eff it’s possible! How do you balance time between your child (especially if you’re an insane parent like me and hate to be away from the kid long), work, this “me time” stuff (ha!), and just other daily hassles to date someone?
How long do you date them before you bring them around your child(ren)? How do you go about doing it? Is it gradual? Do you have him over for dinner one day, meet at the park, etc? Do you feel there is an exception to the time limit if your child is younger? Like some may say a 6 month old won’t get attached like a 6-year-old so it can be flexed a bit.”
Let’s help her out and give her some good advice! I’m a little light in this area so feel free to be the expert!
Hey,
I definitely understand your concern as a single dad. The good thing is . .. your child is young, so they pretty much won’t remember if they see your date … the bad thing is… your child is young and it is most demanding when kids are infants and toddlers (they can’t tell you anything so they require a lot of attention and you are less likely to let someone babysit them unless you REALLY know them). There is hope and of course you can date
So. It is possible . . . you have to just switch up your dating lifestyle a little bit (of course this is obvious). When my son was younger, I did a lot of PHONE DATES (hey and I’m still single lol) and LUNCH DATES. (It was good screening mechanism anyhow).
If someone has a problem with kids, are not understanding of your time, is inflexible, or have any reservations about you being a single mom, count your losses and move on immediately . . . put them in the (I will watch a movie with them but thats it category and it will save you a headache). Don’t look at it as a constraint, but look at it as you being efficient with who you are selecting . . . know that in the back of your mind, you will ALWAYS judge people thinking (would this be a good father) . . . even if you don’t try to . . . it’s normal (just don’t let the person know that until the appropriate time lol).
I found there was an inverse relationship with my son and exposure. The older he got, the longer I waited to bring people around. He is ten now and he doesn’t see anyone I am dating unless I am damn near engaged . . .
Currently, he can only remember one girlfriend I had and one “friend.” He has met other people I have had “history” with but even then I was careful how I introduced them . . . I would usually introduce friends in large numbers (2 or more usually with mixed sexes) so that he wouldn’t suspect anything.
Here is a weird twist for a woman . . . with an eight month old, you have to also be careful that your friend doesn’t get attached. Ironically, you have people who will try to be a daddy and wants to play that man bearing savior role Some women would look at my adorable son and want to shower him with gifts and take a high interest in him. (and of course… he could care less who was around him… as long as they took him out of bondage (the walker lol)). So . . . yes…it can work, just know that you will be passively selective and it is okay to have someone over for a movie every now and then but take your time. (it is normal to believe that everyone could be a potential psycho or killer… that’s how us parents think lol).
I have other friends who cut through the chase and went to online single parent dating sites. I didn’t want to go that route, but it worked for some people. I can say that when I dated other women with kids, or who had siblings that were single parents, there was a sort of tacit understanding that was a relief.
Oh… and I’m assuming that she is in a setting that would facilitate her meeting people (i.e. college)… if not… going places to make yourself available is another topic lol.
@Political Pete – Whew! Thanks for that long (and very helpful!) response. I’m sure she’ll be happy to read this!
@Poltical Pete, part 2. – She’s out of college now, but that’s still good advice.
I’m a first time visitor, what a cool blog! This is a great question. I don’t know if I can give any good advice but it sounds like Political Pete’s advice is right on point.
Thanks for visiting MamaLaw.
Gotta agree with Pete on all points. As a single mom, I don’t think there is anything that I would add to that response… it was stated beautifully.
Oh…my side is killing me now! She wanted some cheese??? Your daughter is the best! LOVE the funny stuff about you and her.
“Me: WTF” Tell me why am I’m trying to picture your face and cracking up at the same time?!
Go with your gut and don’t worry about what other people think about your exposing your kid to dates. There are no rules, and you have to do what you feel is right in the moment, but most of all, what’s right for YOU. You deserve to have some adult time, and however you fit that in your life, don’t feel guilty about it. Relax and enjoy any chance you get to socialize and learn something new about yourself and others.
I would say that right now you need to focus on your 8 month old. Especially during this time in their lives. And if someone comes into the picture than that’s great. But at the present time it should be about you and your son and once you learn to be happy with that then a man can come into the picture. Because everything that happens between you and a man affects your son. Also when one does come into the picture, he should now have to conform to your lifestyle that you have with your son, because at the end of the day, your son comes first. Because he is so young, i wouldn’t advise you to go out looking for a man because a man is not gonna bring anymore happiness to your life unless you are ok with yourself. Trust me men will definitely come and go during that time. I learned not to bring them around your child to fast because children do get attached quickly, also you don’t want the man using his relationship with your child to determine your decision. That should be your last step once you feel in your heart he is right. There should be no doubt because remember that your child will have to live with this consequence as well as you. I had to learn that the hard way. My two year old still asks for my previous boyfriend which im no longer with. We only knew each other 4 months before i introduced him and i had doubts about him from jump. Just saying to be careful with the dating issue right now. Be happy with yourself and the relationship with your son, and the rest will follow eventually.
these were some of the same things i was wondering about and pete answered them perfectly
@Justice Jonesie – Thanks for visiting my blog, too! I like reading your group blog. You get a variety of viewpoints all in one sitting. I like that!