On my way home from work yesterday, I was listening to the Michael Baisden show. During one segment of the show, they talked about teen parents and young parents. Since his audience is primarily older folks, he started talking to the grandparents, asking if they regularly babysat their grandkids.
All these grandparents called in, bragging, no, boasting that they rarely, if ever, watch their grandkids. They claimed it was because they wanted their kids to realize the consequences of having a baby, that they would no longer be able to do everything they wanted to do anymore.
“It’s time for me to have a life now,” they all said. “I’ve raised my kids. I’m done! I ain’t watching someone else’s kids!”
Wow, really?
First of all, they are not “someone else’s kids.” They are your grandchildren. Your flesh and blood. One fourth of them comes from you.
Second of all, parenthood doesn’t end simply because your children are older. It’s a lifetime gig. You are supposed to be there for your kids when they need you.
Now, I know my mother didn’t want to become “Nana” at 45-years-old. I know she was looking forward to having an empty nest and doing all the things she put off while she was raising us – traveling, catching up and cementing old friendships, becoming active in her sorority again, spending more one-on-one time with my dad, etc.
But guess what? Since I first announced I was pregnant, she took a deep breath and dove in headfirst into her new role as “Nana.” She will send me a text message that simply says, “Have my babies ready at 1 p.m.” and will send my dad over to pick them up to spend the weekend together.
What my mother comprehends that these defiant grandmothers on the radio show do not, is that taking the kids and giving the mom a break ultimately benefits the children. It’s no fun to live with a stressed out mother, who is simply tired from doing the hardest job of her life with no vacation days, no sick time, no 15-minute coffee breaks.
Giving the mom a break every once in a while doesn’t mean that you are condoning having kids out of wedlock. It means you care about the well-being of your daughter and your grandkids.
Do you all get help from your parents? Do they refuse to watch the kids, except for special circumstances like work and school? Let me know in the comments! Let’s figure this out together.
First, I want to thank you for such a great post. I rarely ever read such topics on other blogs. I was 19 when I got pregnant and 20 when I had my daughter. I did not have the finances in place to put my daughter in childcare. I was fortunate to have my mother (who raised three girls now woman) to take care of my daughter while I went to work (full time) and evening classes at my college. I’m very fortunate that my mother has not only helped me to take care of my child, but also to become a better parent.
My parents LOVE being a grandparent, because they are still young and may even miss having a baby around again lol My stepmom was only 35 when Savannah was born so it is weird to think of her as a grandparent but she totally embraces it (she gets all the same looks and questions that I from people!). All of my parents will always watch Savannah if we want to go out when we visit. We don’t live near them, so when we’re there it is an opportunity to get one on one time.
My husband’s parents also embraces grandparenthood and watch Savannah for us at some point pretty much every single day. They help us out in my ways A LOT! We’re so thankful that we have the support of our families, our job would be MUCH harder if we didn’t and my heart breaks for young parents who do not have that.
Wow I just read over my comment and it’s FILLED with errors. PLEASE excuse them lol It’s really early and obviously I’m not awake yet!
I love that show! I didn’t catch that part though, it was talking about how young would you put your daughters on birth control and stuff like that but anywho…
We know how complicated the situation with my mother is, so let’s start with something easier, my dad. Being a grandfather is his greatest joy. I don’t think he could love or try to do any more for his grandson. When he was in the hospital on the respirator, I took Jaedyn down there in case it’d be our last time seeing him alive. When the nurse came in after awhile of us being there, she said she hadn’t seen him so alert and doing so well (his oxygen level went up and everything). When he came home after being in the hospital all year, I can’t even remember if he spoke to me, but instantly held his arms out for Jaedyn!
I know that if my father wasn’t disabled/handicapped, he would help me out much more. Besides holding Jaedyn for awhile, he really isn’t able to do much, especially since he is getting bigger and wilder. I definitely wouldn’t leave them home alone together or anything. But holding him so I can go put a load in the washer and wash some bottles out, etc helps more than nothing. I look at his help/support in a different way though. We are living in his house rent free right now. Idk where my son & I would be right now if it weren’t for that since I’m unemployed and have no income coming in. It helps in a tremendous way b.c without that I wouldn’t be able to support my son on my own or afford my car note, etc.
Now my mother…all I will say is that I don’t get nowhere near the support & help I thought she would give me. She is unreliable and when I ask her to watch Jaedyn, it’s sort of like on a conditional basis. “If I watch him, then I wanna use your car later”. Something like that. I think one issue (out of many) is that she expected me to depend on her more than I do. To always want her to have my son while I continued to live my life and I don’t. I went out and got pregnant, he is my responsibility. I don’t believe in having the grandparents always taking care of the grandchildren. So I think it bothers her I don’t need her as much as she expected…does that make sense? She isn’t reliable so thankfully God blessed me with Jaedyn’s god family. His god grandmother watched him everyday–for free when I was working. If I need to just get out and run some errands or want some me time, I know she is only a phone call away!
On another note, with the young mother/grandmother thing, I think it’s based off of certain families and situations. What values are enstilled in them. I know plenty situations where the great grandmother is 43, the grandmother 30, the daughter 16 and now she is pregnant. It’s a horrible cycle. My parents were 29 and 31 when they had me so being in their middle 50s now as grandparents is a good age considering…Ok, I’m done rambling!
I think most grandparents would love being just that…grandparents. But unfortunately we have a lot of grandparents who have to be the parents. I’m a social worker and this is what I see regularly. We are contantly having to implement support groups and policies for grandparents as parents. Grandparents should be supportive but I do agree that when they have raised their children they should not also have to raise their grandchildren if the parents are fully able to do so.
Like you said Tara, your mom decides when she wants her grandkids, and is happy to do that. But would she be as ecstatic if it was every other day while you hung out with friends? Didn’t have work/school? Continued to have more children you couldn’t take are of?
I know every young mom is not like that but many of my students/clients dont have jobs and depend on their moms to raise their kid(s). And no matter how much those grandma’s gripe, they are usually always there when the child needs them.
Well said. I do think that is sad. I look forward to being a grandmother someday. My children never got to meet their grandmother. My mom died when I was 7. But, my in-laws are awesome grandparents. They come to get them quite a bit.
I agree! Both Duane’s and my parents are extremely supportive and are always willing to watch the munchkin when they can (they all still work so they don’t get to watch them as much as they’d like).
Honestly, I get really annoyed when people make comments like that (not wanting to watch their grandkids because they’ve already raised their own children) especially when their parents helped or even raised their children!! Both Duane and I (as well as pretty much all of my friends) were either raised by our grandparents, lived with them for a while or were kept by them often. I think they have forgotten what it’s like to have children.
@ LaKeysha – I do not feel in any way that grandparents should be the ones raising the kids. Not at all. If their child is doing everything they are supposed to (find a way to support the child, have a safe environment for that kid to thrive, etc.) then I think grandparents should be supportive. This is why I’m glad I started this blog because of what you said. “I’m a social worker and this is what I see regularly.” Here you can get a glimpse of the other side of young motherhood. Just giving different viewpoints.
@Leah – See, that’s what I mean. They help you out, you are appreciative and it makes your life easier. What’s so hard about that? I do feel bad for those (even older moms) whose parents won’t get involved in their lives. It must be a lot more difficult…
@Erica – Isn’t that one of the downsides of having younger grandparents? They’re still working! I know I feel bad when my mom watches the kids on the weekends, but I do feel like that should be her time off to relax, but she enjoys watching them….