Confession time: Both of my kids were “Surprise!” babies.
The first one? Well, we weren’t careful.
The second? Well, we weren’t careful enough.
“Surprise!” babies carry a special type of “Mommy guilt” that comes even before the baby is born. Now a new study says that moms with unplanned kids treat them differently. Great.
There’s not much that can make me feel inadequate about my mothering skills. But the fact that these precious babies were created without so much as a thought on my behalf as to whether or not I could provide for them still makes me shiver.
Why didn’t I realize how serious motherhood was? Why didn’t I realize all the work that goes into simply keeping kids alive, let alone happy, healthy and loved?
Ever since I peed on the stick with my first child and the dreaded “Pregnant” appeared, my life has been a constant game of catch-up. Rushing to get health insurance for the babies. Rushing to graduate. Rushing to get married. Rushing to buy a house. Rushing to pick a day care. Rushing to get a full-time job. Rushing to buy baby gear.
Rushing. Rushing. Rushing.
A (childless) friend of mine has an entire blog dedicated to her journey toward motherhood. She questions everything – will she use cloth diapers? What strollers are best? How to breastfeed? Become a stay-at-home mom? Should she go on a babymoon first?
With each post I die a little more inside.
Just watching as she plans her life, plans for her unborn children, making the necessary preparations to make sure her kids have the best start in life.
“Damn,” I think to myself when I read her blog, “what a great mom she’ll make. Why wasn’t that me?”
Her blog is a fabulous read, but the fact that she can make a whole blog about her journey to motherhood makes me sad that I never even pondered anything.
I just dove in, even though I’m a planner by nature. I like to know what’s coming next, how to prepare, how to get there. But why was I so…careless?
I firmly believe that making decisions as you go is the best route for motherhood. Because I’ve lived it.
But damn if I don’t envy those who were responsible and conscious of their decisions and made the active choice to get pregnant. I envy you all, I really do.
Almost three years later, I’ve found my mommy groove. I love it. I’m happy. But things happen for a reason. No, I didn’t have health insurance when I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. No, I wasn’t married. No, I hadn’t graduated from college.
It wasn’t easy, and there was nothing “cute” about it.
But I made it. Surprise!
What about you? Did you feel guilty that you had a “Surprise!” baby? Wish you could have planned it better? Share it in the comments.
Yes I do feel guilty, very guilty in fact. I had a baby by a guy I shouldn’t have been with in the first place. I should have taken more time to get to know him, even though after 8 months and seeing him with his other kids, I wouldn’t have thought he wouldn’t be there for our son. I feel like it’s my fault my son has to grow up without a father, even though he is the one choosing not to be there. I was irresponsible at the time and should have been more careful with my actions because I never thought of the longterm consequences. My son’s father is mad at me for chosing not to abort, but our son is the one being punished, and that’s my fault!
Yes I had my college degree before I had him, but it wasn’t doing me much good. I had an ok job at the time, but I was still living at home, didn’t have health insurance, and I knew I was going to be faced with being a single mom. I knew it would be hard, but not this hard.
I never knew I’d get so frustrated with a child for constantly tugging on me all day and yell at him just because he’s sick all because I can’t take it anymore. I never knew I’d doubt my parenting skills as much as I do. I never knew I’d be so over-protective of him and be so afraid to ask for help because this was my “oops”. I never thought it would be this physically demanding, I could experience so many emotions at once, or miss the simple things in life so badly. For those reasons, I do feel like a bad mother. I try hard, but sometimes I don’t think it’s hard enough or I’m doing it right…or maybe it just comes easier for other single parents and I just haven’t caught on how to do this mommy thing right yet. Idk, we’re making it, I just know this wasn’t the plan and wish I had been more responsible!
This is an interesting issue, and I think it goes way beyond our individual emotions. Everyone assumes my son was an “oops” baby, but I knew in my heart that I really wanted kids and so did my boyfriend (now husband). We were madly in love, and I think we were both so excited to be parents that the stigma of having a child out of wedlock and not planning it never really hit us because we didn’t want the standard lifestyle in the first place.
I am sorry to hear that you feel so guilty, Tara. I think you have done what’s best for you and your kids. Hindsight will always be 20/20, and although society places many barriers before young families, things like health insurance are not the stuff of a lifelong parent-child relationship. We all have to try to reconfigure our expectations based on our circumstances; even people who don’t have babies have to do that.
Plus, those planning moms you envy might just envy you back, because they are struggling with fertility issues or having to leave an established career.
@Chelsea – Yup, the grass is always greener on the other side. I know plenty of moms who could read this post and be envious that I got pregnant so quickly, as they have been struggling for years to conceive. So I don’t necessarily wish I could turn back the hands of time and have a do-over. I like how things have turned out. While I didn’t plan on having kids in the timeframe that I did, I see how it all works out in the end. My kids are my life. I love them more than I thought I could love another human being. My husband and I were in love and engaged and all that, but we did have the whole wedding/house/wait 2.5 years/have a baby mentality. So this threw us off. But we’re happy, we’re making it and that’s what’s important, right?
I also had a baby unexpectedly. I was actually on birth control and wanted to wait 3 years into our marriage to have kids. Well…we got married in may and I got pregnant in july!
I often feel guilty because I sometimes resent being a mother. It seems like dads dont go through this as much but as a mom I have to give up everything. I work full-time and come home and take care of the baby…alone. My husband works the opposite shift. I yo-yo between getting involved by taking classes or doing something I enjoy alone but feeling guilty because it would mean not spending time with my daughter. I often times dont go to stuff (and have even left church early) because my one year old is a constant ball of energy and its easier to just go home where she can have free reign than to chase her around the church/store/friends house etc. and end up not enjoying my time out anyways. I do make sure that we do something fun for just her at least once a week (playground, park, fun house etc.) but I can’t help feeling like I didnt get to enjoy my marriage and life changes before she came along. (I graduated from grad school the day before we got married, started a brand new managerial position when we got back from our honeymoon and a month later started on my pregnancy journey). I feel you Tara…rush rush rush.
@LaKeysha – Oh, girl, where do you live? We need to be BFFs!! Same here. Had a baby, then rushed to finish school, got married less than a month after graduation, started my first full-time job and the very next day had to tell my boss I was pregnant with baby #2! Argh!!! I used to resent being a mom so soon.
Sometimes I look at the moms who are all, “I love my kids! Kids are so FANTASTIC! I want to have six more!” like they’re crazy. LOL. Why is this so hard for me, then? When my kids are both screaming and crying in my ears I just want to press the “Pause” button and leave for a minute. I didn’t appreciate my free time before at ALL. And you’re right – I don’t think dads feel it as much. They feel it, but I think they bury it and never talk about it.
As far as the one-year-old is concerned, I do think it gets easier as they get older…somewhat. My oldest is two (almost three) now and she can do so much more now. She can sit and be quiet for longer periods of time, and mostly she likes to play and cuddle. Now my one-year-old son? Oooh, he’s a terror. A sweet little terror, but a terror, nonetheless. lol.
I truly feel you on this Tara! My little dude popped up while I was on birth control (Ortho Patch – BAD! *lol*)
And Lakesha, said it well – “I often feel guilty because I sometimes resent being a mother. It seems like dads dont go through this as much but as a mom I have to give up everything. I work full-time and come home and take care of the baby…alone.” Hubby is there, but then again, he’s not. Understand?
I’m so happy that my son is here, but we’re almost 6 months into this and it’s a struggle more often than not. I’m happy that you made it into your mommy groove and I can’t wait to find mine.
@TDJ – That Ortho Patch is the devil isn’t it? I know more women who have gotten pregnant on it. I should have known it wasn’t working because it would irritate the mess out of my skin every couple days or so. So instead of three patches a month, I’d go through six. Yes, I’m pretty sure that’s not how it works. LOL.
@TCJ – I tell people all the time, it took me about a year to get into my mommy groove…and then I promptly got pregnant again. So then it took another year. When your baby turns one, it’s like all is right with the world again! LOL.
oh my….i too stumbled into motherhood. i discovered i was pregnant in the midst of planning my broadway spectacle of a wedding. and in the name of responsibility, i (reluctantly and sorrowfully) acknowledged that with a bambino coming, it would be wise to scaale back the wedding plans and op for a more budget friendly ceremony instead of the high 5-digits we were going to drop.
i had no honeymoon, no bachlorette party, none of that, because i was busy catching up all the time…and then came the smack-down-BEDREST! so i do feel like things came crashing down at once because i have looked around at the newly married couples who got to lounge together, travel together, party with friends without a care in the world while everything i do or don’t do hinged on whether my mom can watch the kids. even now, getting a mani-pedi is such a truggle because my mother likes to be in the streets so getting her to sit still so that i can do something is like trying to catch a tiger by the toe *le sigh* love my bambinos, but life before them was taken for granted
I think its completely natural to have that “oops, uh oh, what do we do now” feeling when you find out that you are pregnant when you didn’t plan to be. I had that feeling when I found out I was pregnant because I was in my first semester of college, but then that feeling went away as I sat back, took the situation in and then assessed what would be the best course of action regarding being a mother while in college. Things turned out great. My daughter got to reap the benefits of growing up on a college campus… well, at least for these first 6 years of her life, lol.
I can’t really say that I had any real guilt. I just accepted the situation because I already understood that there was no going back, and I was raised by my great-grandmother so I was mentally prepared to be a single mom in case her dad decided not to stick around.
I still believe that no matter how much you have your ducks in order, you can never be fully prepared to be a mother. You have to roll with the punches because each child is unique. Yes, its always good to be able to cloth, feed and provide a roof, but these current times are proof that even when you do have those things in order, they can be gone in a blink of an eye and you’ll have to do what? Roll with the punches and just believe in your heart that you are providing the best for your kids with what you have. Isn’t that what you said Tara?? =)
@Ms Bar B – I totally agree with you. I had my daughter while in college and since my husband worked in residence services, as a part of his job, we had to live on campus. I know she was younger, but just being in that college atmosphere was good for her, I think. I would take her to the student center, or the library and she could see just rows and rows of books and people studying.
Great comment!
What a great topic! Now I know I’m not the only person who has felt and sometimes still feel this way. I love being a mom but it definitely has not been an easy road.
I always imagined that I would get married and wait at least 2.5 yrs before I had a child. Well, that didn’t happen at all. 4 months after I quit my job to pursue a different career, I found out that I was pregnant. My boyfriend (now husband) was a few weeks away from graduating from college and I had just completed my Master’s program. I had no idea how we were going to take care of a baby. But somehow God made a way. But I definitely and sometimes still feel like we missed out on spending time together as a married childless couple. It’s been hard, but we are pushing through. What has been a great help to us is that every summer my mother takes our son for a few weeks so that we can experience what it’s like to be a married childless couple.
@Mrs. D – Oh, that must be great for your mom to step in and help like that. I remember my grandma did the same thing for my parents. We always enjoyed spending time with our grandma and I never realized how much fun they were having while we were away! LOL. My mom is still working (two jobs actually) so she can’t take them for much longer than the weekend, but those moments do help feel like you have a relationship outside of the kids. I totally feel you!
All four of my babies were suprsises, LOL! And I’m such a structured person that it did drive me a bit crazy at one time. Sometimes you cannot plan these things. I tried twice and I still got pregnant when God thought it was time. I think it’s what you do after you find out the little bambino is on the way.
Awesome post
Tara, it’s so great that you’re having this conversation. Women have expressed to me the guilt they feel for getting pregnant to soon or not selecting a proper father for their children….as I listen, I always ask what are they going to do with the guilt? I mean it’s easy to focus on what you didn’t do right. To focus on the struggles and the fact that they may never see their father. So, I just tell them to focus on what’s right? What’s right with your parenting and your child? Focusing on mistakes you made years ago can get you know where.
I also wanted to add, that with all do respect, please don’t compare your life to that of your friend. Again, it can get you know where. Yes, it’s great that she’s planning and preparing herself for the marvelous journey of parenting, but as you do just this, it sounds like you’re short changing yourself and the many gifts you’ve given your children.
We all have different paths. You took one and she’s taking another….and it doesn’t mean that one is any better. And honestly, no one knows what kind of mothers she’ll make until the children get here……and like most parents, I’m sure she’ll have struggles too.
@Danielle – Your words are so true. I just wrote a post about not comparing yourself to other mothers and focus on how you are doing the best for your kids. I honestly try to live each day moving forward, not looking backward. It is rather pointless to spend that energy on something you can’t change.
That’s for commenting! Your comment was better than my post. LOL.
I just double checked my post, which should have been done before I hit submit, but please disregard all the ‘knows.’ They should be replaced with ‘no.’ sorry.