I swear when I had my daughter, it felt like I went to sleep one day and woke up the next, only to realize I was 35. Like I skipped all of my 20s. Who hit the fast-forward button?
It’s one of the most frustrating things about young motherhood.
When you have a kid in your late teens or early 20s, everything changes.
You have the responsibilities of someone in their 30s or 40s, but with none of the perks. You have to make it work with fewer years’ experience, possibly a lower salary, less time to figure out what makes you you.
It’s a delicate dance. On one hand, you can’t be expected to have the wisdom of someone who has lived a full decade longer than you. On the other hand, you feel like your new title – mother – demands it.
You have to know more than the average 20something. You have to do more. You have to cope with more.
At 23, I have more in common with my 40something and 50something coworkers than I do with the recent college graduates who come in looking for a job. It’s difficult. I want to talk about a new song I heard on the radio, but I know my coworkers only listen to NPR in the car. If I want to talk my friends about the latest tantrum my daughter had, I know they won’t get it.
So where do you fit in? Do you make peace with it and bond with whoever “gets” you more? Do you keep trying to fit in with the older crowd? The younger crowd? Or are you like me, just stuck in the middle?
Seriously, I just wrote an email yesterday about this very thing! You said it perfectly, I feel stuck. Or trapped in between, feeling like I don’t truly belong to either. I’m either afraid of judgment about my age from older moms, or just totally do not fit in with the college crowd. So thus, I have no friends and it’s sad.
@Leah – My husband works for the local university and whenever I go on campus to see him, it’s so weird. I see these students walking around with books and iPods, laughing to their friends, so carefree and I feel like I’m one of their parents rather than someone is only two years older than them. It’s so weird. It’s good to see I’m not the only one who feels that way.
I guess I’m in the middle also, luckily I have a friend of mine whose 23 I’m 24 we had our sons about 3 months apart we’re both married so we have a person to relate to. My college friends I talk to them about news politics current events but I don’t speak to them as often. I talk to my grandparents and mother as well they are great sounding boards. I guess its a juggle but I think everyone goes through it. As you get older you realize that you have different friends for different aspects of your life.
Ooh, good topic. I’m the opposite. No kids and in my mid-thirties, (where people expect you to have kids by now). I look to the younger moms and think they know more than me in that arena and I will have to turn to them for advice when I finally have children and am clueless, even though I’m older. I could look to other women who are my age when asking about kid stuff, but their kids are already gradeschool age or even older. Their kids could babysit my kids when that day comes! I’m stuck, too, but in a different way.
@Debbie – Isn’t it funny how no one feels like have the life they are “supposed to” have? I’m kind of glad I don’t.
I definitely feel you on this one Tara! I am stuck in the middle, so I usually just chill by myself or with my family. Most of my friends my age are taking vacations, living it up spending that disposable income and I am at home, not really available at the drop of a dime so I get called to do fun stuff less and less. Making new friends at this age is awkward to me, too, but I deal.
Well let me throw a little “extra” in with this topic! My husband is 23 and I will be 30 in December! I have always been the youngest one out of my circle of friends, so I definitely have more in common with the older women. But now Im starting to realize that I am now the older woman in the circle! I actually love it because my “mini-me’s” look up to me and are constantly seeking my advice about love and life.
I’ve grown accustomed to being one of the youngest in my circle of moms, and it’s a non-issue now. My small group of long-time friends (my age) don’t have children yet, so I get my “mommy share” needs when and where I can. Almost always, the playgroups I join has a majority of women in their late 30’s, so I guess, in a nutshell, I’ve made peace with it.
I feel you on this one Tara. I’ve always been told I look and act mature for my age (20) and now I have a baby and that just adds to it. Only one of my friends has a baby so she’s really the only one I can go to for advice. I’m also realizing the last time I’ve been anywhere that wasn’t a doctor’s appt. or my mom’s house was back in december. Sad, huh? My friends just don’t call me to go out anymore. But most of my friends go out partying or drinking and I’m just not into that like I used to be. So I’m not really upset about it.
@T – I feel you. I recently went out to dinner with a friend and it was the most relaxing time I’ve had in maybe two years. I had nice adult conversation, we laughed and took a leisure stroll through a few nearby stores. It was heavenly. I realized it had been probably about six or seven months since I did something like that. It was great! It does get lonely sometimes, because you want to hang with people your age, and then you don’t because your lifestyles are different. We’re stuck, but at least we have each other!
I agree Youngmommy. It’s definitely difficult to find your place. I sometimes feel so out of touch with my friends who are my age but are single with no kids, mortgage, etc. That’s why I’m so glad I found your blog!! It’s wonderful to have a place to “fit in”, even if it’s only in cyberspace.
@Erica – Aww, thanks! And it is hard to fit in. When I hear my friends complain about being broke I can relate, but only because I’m paying out the butt for daycare and kid expenses!