Except that I don’t.
The only reason why I’m even letting that thought come into my head is because I’m surrounded by people who are trying to conceive, or thinking about it in the near future. They’re so happy, so excited about this new step in their lives. They’ve spent hours talking to me about baby names and cute baby furniture and their quest to find a diaper bag that the daddy-to-be won’t be embarrassed to carry.
I allowed myself to get sucked in. I actually thought to myself, “Wouldn’t it be cool to be pregnant again?”
Pause.
I know, right? Me! Me, of all people!
Me, the one who had her two kids in two years and looked at everyone like they were smoking crack when they asked when I was having a third.
Me, the one who asked her doctor to tie her tubes in addition to the IUD “just to be sure.”
Me, the one who swore to her doctor that if he was waiting on me to have any more kids he’d be better off waiting for the Republicans to link hands with Obama and skip happily up Pennsylvania Avenue to get to work redesigning the health care bill.
But then I realized – I don’t want to be pregnant.
I still don’t want any more kids.
I just want that experience.
You know, finding out you’re pregnant and you’re overjoyed with excitement and possibility. Both times I found out I was pregnant, I shook the pregnant test toward the heavens and muttered, “Why, Lord, why?!?!?!”
When I had my first two, my life wasn’t quite where I wanted it to be. We didn’t have a house, or decent salaries. I still lived on campus, for goodness sakes.
I just wanted ONE of my pregnancies to be the fairy-tale. To be exciting. To be fun.
To avoid the dread about how we’re going to pay for everything. To know our medical coverage backward and forward and know that we can actually afford to pay for delivery.
I want a do-over. I now know that everything will be okay and I don’t need to freak out over every little thing and for God sakes, I’ll cut my husband some slack this time because Lord knows he’s trying.
But since I probably won’t have any more kids, it’s up to me to make the most of each day going forward.
Finding the joy in the fact that my life, while only baring a slight resemblance to the life I imagined, keeps me laughing, smiling and embracing change.
Okay so yeah, I need to steal this. Well most of it and just change a few details here and there. THIS.IS.EXACTLY.HOW.I.FEEL!!!
You KNOW me and how I am about not having anymore kids, but lately I have gone into baby fever, yet for the wrong reasons. I don’t want to raise another child, whether with a partner or not, but I want experience all the joys that come along with it. I want to watch my belly grow and feel/see the baby kick. I wanna be able to proudly display how big my stomach is–once it’s rounded out and not looking like more blubber of course. I want the experience of having a baby shower planned for me. I want to know what it’s like to go to lamaze class or actually still be able to carry out an everyday routine while pregnant. It’s funny I freak out when I see pregnant women doing “normal” every day things, like wait, you shouldn’t be lifting that baby or walking up stairs!
I want to actually be able to enjoy being pregnant and not constantly worried about just making it another week so my baby’s chance of survival rate will increase. *sigh* I missed out on so much. I really would love a do-over, but things happened that way for a reason so in the mean time, I will just have to wait for your IUD to fail LOL!
@Courtney – Hahaha, you will be waiting a long time because this IUD better not fail me!
And I don’t really want another baby or child. I just want to be pregnant one more time and actually be happy and not have that disgusting morning sickness that had me spending every single morning in the bathroom. I told you about the day I brought my pillow in there and just curled up in front of the toilet, didn’t I?
I felt like that when before I got pregnant with my second baby…and then when I actually found out I was pregnant a month or two later, I cried like a baby. I didn’t REALLY want another baby at the time. I was just caught up in baby-world. I haven’t felt that way in a looong time, though.
@Mrs. CJ – You know, you really are my twin! LOL. When I had my daughter and we were closing in on her first birthday, my husband and I started talking about when we wanted to have another. We thought we would wait until we moved, so we weren’t trying to raise two kids in on-campus housing. (Ugh.) Didn’t happen. Ended up getting pregnant not even three weeks after we had that convo!
I so feel you. I was thinking the same thing but like wait I can not do another one right now. I too would like to experience that happy wonderful pregnancy moment. When I found out I cried for like half the morning. But I made the rest of my pregnancy as wonderful and fairy tale as I could. I so wish I knew about all these blogs before hand though.
@Felicia – Yeah, I do remember a lot of crying. And that’s just not right. Finding out that you’re pregnant should be a happy experience, not one that makes you want to hide under the covers for the next 40 weeks. I feel for women who felt sadness instead of joy when they discovered their soon-to-be mommy status….I feel you, Felicia!
awwww punkin! i understand. i, too, wish i could enjoy the experience…but my body just doesn’t dig pregnancy. so whether i want another kid or not (definitely don’t) i would be miserable from start to finish…but i do envy those who can still function, feel nice, shop, wear cute preggo clothes and do life as normal when pregnant…but i pretty much receive jail time as soon as i reach 4 months….so NO THANX!!
@Mrs. W – I do not like those women who glow when pregnancy. Truly. My morning sickness was INSANE! Every day, every night, no appetite, didn’t gain any weight, nothing helped. Boo to that! I’m soooooooo done! IUD AND a tubal ligation please!
Tara, I read the title of this post and gasped in dismay like “She cu-ray-zee!”. LOL! Glad I took a moment to read the entire post, and I agree, a do-over would be lovely, wouldn’t it though?
@Execumama – Yes, another baby would be crazy. I’d need to be committed. I admire those women who hold it down with 3+ kids, but that JUST.AIN’T.ME. And it’s not even that I hate where my life has ended up. I just kind of wish I knew then what I know now….
I feel like this sometime.
i go thru that from time to time,especially when im around pregnant ppl and babies. then my kid gives me a whack of attitude and i remember o yeah, they grow up. no thanks! invest in being an auntie or godparent. it totally rocks. u get all of the cute stuff and none of the poopy stuff.
Trust me I know. I will take the morning sickness (even tho I had my fair share plus a stomach virus…twice while pregnant) as long as I could have a normal pregnancy. No I don’t thnk u told me, but I wanted to make a cot because of my peeing!
Totally random, I’m sitting here in the office (which may soon be work!!!) And read something about ParaGard. Don’t know if it’s something u might wanna look into and try in 4 years. This one lasts 10 years att a time though, oooooh! LOL
The new baby is the most wonderful thing in life. Children are our joy.