The judgmental stares start as soon as I pull up into the parking lot of the neighborhood park.
Among the rows and rows of gleaming silver and gold Honda Odysseys, I park my 1997 Buick LaSabre and pop the trunk. I grab the stroller out the trunk and head to one side of the car to unbuckle my 2-year-old daughter. I grab her hand and we head to the other side to get her younger brother.
I plop him in the stroller and take the kids to the maze of swings and slides.
The other mothers look up casually when they see me. Then they do a double take.
A young 20-something mom.
With two kids.
And I’m black.
“Hmmm,” I can hear them thinking. I live in an area where if I see another black person, I stop and make conversation. It’s that rare. So our presence was met with questioning looks.
As we move to the different areas of the park, my daughter jumping from swing to swing, the other moms and kids scatter as we approach. I honestly don’t mind, because I like my privacy and don’t care for chit-chat when trying to keep up with two kids under two.
The awkwardness continues when it’s time to go home and I get the disapproving stares as I load my kids into my car with the high mileage and loud engine.
True, I don’t have the 2009 minivan of the year as I schlep my kids here and there. But you know what? I love my car just the same.
My husband (then boyfriend) purchased the car for me shortly after we discovered I was pregnant with our first. At the time, I had no car, no easy way to get to my doctor’s appointments. That man emptied his savings to get me that car to make sure WE (me and our unborn child) were okay. For me, that car is a big honking symbol of our love, even more so than my wedding ring.
But they wouldn’t possibly know that. Couldn’t know it. When I get questions like, “So is their dad still around?” I’m also sure they don’t care.
To be a young mom is one thing. To be a young black mom? That’s just asking for judgment.
I first noticed it with my first child, when I was in the hospital recovering after my C-section. Every doctor, nurse, janitor, even the lady that comes around to take the newborn photos, glanced slyly at my ring finger and casually made conversation like I was a single mom, even though my husband was sitting next to me and we were both wearing wedding rings.
People ask, “Are you the babysitter?” when I’m out with my crew.
Perfect strangers inquire about my salary and my ability to provide for my kids.
I’ve been verbally accosted by two elderly women for (get this) sitting in my car with my daughter outside of the drugstore. They looked in my car, wrinkled their noses, and I heard one mutter, “Babies having babies” as they walked away.
My coworkers almost always ask me how my boyfriend is doing, no matter how many times I correct them with “husband.”
It seems like motherhood only comes in two forms: the confident, advanced in her career 30-something mom or the downtrodden, why-didn’t-she-just-keep-her-legs-closed teen mom.
I fit neither of those categories. And I’m glad I don’t.
I’ve learned more about myself, my values, my goals, my ambitions, my husband, my friends in the past three years than I would have otherwise. I became a mother before I was ready, but who is ever 100 percent ready for the job?
Lots of people spend their 20s learning who they are. I’m spending my 20s learning who I can be, with my kids there to witness.
I love that they will be there every step of the way with me. They’ve had a front row seat to every accomplishment I’ve had thus far. I took my final exams six days after giving birth to my daughter, my stomach throbbing from the stitches. I breastfed my daughter, then shrugged on my graduation gown and walked across the stage to grab my diploma. I got my first raise a few months after returning from maternity leave with my son.
They’re here to see it all, from beginning to end. When it’s all said and done, I will look back at my career and say, “We did this together.”
So when the other moms shun me on the playground, I don’t let it bother me. I hop in my trusty, reliable boat of a car, and throw a glance at the angels in the backseat.
Wouldn’t trade it for the world. Or a new minivan.
Originally published on MyBrownBaby in 2009.
*sigh* People can be so nasty.
Trust me, I know how you feel. I had my daughter when I was twenty, and since the day I found out I was pregnant I made sure to do my best for her. It doesn’t matter to people who don’t and will never know you. They’re quick to make (usually negative) assumptions about everything based on the few seconds they see you in the store, in the park, etc etc etc; ignoring the fact that there’s a lot more to a person. It used to really get to me since I’m not the most confident person around, however; I’m slowly being able to not let it get to me at all. The only thoughts on my parenting that should matter belong to my daughter and me (and we know better than some random stranger in the park). =)
Girl I wish you lived closer to me – we’d have to get together! I was a teen mom, & i’m white & trust me, those accusations and snide remarks are still there. It’s really hard to find other moms with a 5yo to relate to because I’m not married, I’m not with my sons father and unlike most moms, I work full time outside of the home. But you’re right, your kids are there with you while you grow and they make you be a better person. Ive never felt like Ive missed out on my 20’s – because Ive got something better than any college student, I’ve got love & my family. And that’s perfect for me! And when they are still raising their kids at 40-45, I’ll be almost retired and I’ll have the money to travel more & enjoy it more!!
You are awesome! This made me think and made me sad- but mostly made me realize how amazing YOU are. xo
You know, I love this post. I know all about the judgemental looks and comments, though I’m not black. I am a single, young mommy, though. And you’re right, there are things so much more important than having the newest car, the most glamorous job, or the newest perfume that these judgemental women must be using that causes their noses to wrinkle up at us. That is so special about your car, I loved reading that story. Your husband sounds like a very special man.
I got the same looks, while I was pregnant, and now that my daughter is here! I even had someone ask me if my husband and I got married because I was pregnant, even though we had been married almost a year before we conceived!
People like to make snap judgements, to make themselves feel superior for whatever reason. You have the right idea, just ignore it, and remember that you have a family who loves you, and im sure you’re a wonderful mom!
It makes me sad that there is so much judgement for mommies out there – young and otherwise. Having a child with an invisible disability draws stares and head shakes “why is that big child STILL in a stroller?”. A glance can never tell anyone’s whole story. Although I am a “young at heart” mommy, I try to empathize with all mommies I come across. We are all on the same journey, just different roads.
I admire your ability to maintain such a positive attitude in the face of discrimination, an inspiring post thanks.
I feel I must say that when you find out the true facts most moms don’t really fit into any ‘typical’ group and most of us at some point have felt the veil of disapproval descending on us in the play ground.
It is amazing how judgemental people can be. I often hear remarks from other black women who had children as young or younger than me who always tell me I have ruined my life. The other thing I have noticed is that I always get the dirty looks or the assumption that I have made a mistake. However, when my daughter goes out with her father he always gets smiles, praises, and other forms of encouragement. In my town (city in the Mid-West), the female is always looked at like the bad guy and the father is the hero. (No matter if they are always around or not).
I love you Tara, and I know that you love me, so can you please tell me where you live so I can steer clear? Lol. Just kidding… well… sorta =). Judgment can be so hurtful. I never really “get it”. How people can think they know someone’s entire story by just encountering them in their day. I don’t understand why it pains others so much to see someone else living their own life. Its always really interesting. I am sorry that you’ve had those experiences. Fortunately for me, I have lived in a community full of people like me, so I haven’t gotten the stares and the side remarks from people when I am out and about with my daughter… not even in my classes, or heck, maybe I just haven’t noticed them.
I do remember being treated like a straight baby having a baby in the hospital though. It was horrible! A nurse actually took my baby and MADE me go to a CLASS on how to take care of a newborn!! I mean, who the hell even knew they had these classes, on a maternity ward, where you drag someone who just had a c-section, and is in pain. That’s pretty much it though. I am so happy that you are so strong and you don’t let other people’s ignorance and discomfort shape you as a woman or as a young mommy. You just continue to show the world how fabulous life as a young mother can be.
@Ms. Bar B – Oooh, I know where you’re coming from with the whole class thing. They made us to go to one as well. Then, when a nurse came in to check on my vitals, she kept mentioning this book, The Happiest Baby on the Block. I know it’s a good book and I’ve heard of it, but it rubbed me the wrong way when she kept mentioning how I should check it out over and over, like my baby wasn’t already happy and I sucked as a mom.
Omg girl I know exactly what u mean! I get those same looks from ppl then when u catch them looking they wanna say something like “your baby is so cute” like leading with a compliment gives them the go ahead to pry into your personal life. I am so tired of ppl asking me where my daughter’s father is, if he’s taking care of her, etc. If he’s not its none of their business. Even tho he is its STILL none of their business!
Hi I like your story on stereotypes. I still get nasty looks when I’m out and about with my three year old, I’m going on thirty but look like I’m twenty. I’m working on my Master’s Degree yet people still look at my son as if he doesn’t have a stable family. I’ve had ladys ask me, “How old are you? you look too young to have kids”.I tell my age and say I’m glad I look that young!:)
Trust me I know how you feel. There are times I head to the park and can feel the stares but I ignore it, I watch how people look at me. I am young, I am married and have a child. People will always judge. There are the good days when you find people wanting to talk about kids and I’m glad, but other days I choose to go to the less crowded parks and if it is a slight crowd I tend to have my son play on the furtherest slides or swings till I can get a slight feel for who is a around. As long as you are happy with who you are thats all that matters.
Tara, what a beautiful post; It brought tears to my eyes!! I definitely remember (and still experience) those instances. The horrible, looks of disdain, the ill-treatment by hospital staff, the assumptions that you are a teen screw-up who has already ruined your child’s life and future by simply giving birth to them. Defiantly taking a stand (either as a single parent or with your partner) that, although the situation was unplanned and may not be ideal, you will do whatever it takes to ensure that you provide your child with the best opportunities, experiences and life possible, all while dealing with the regular ups and downs that all new parents experience.
All of those feelings led me to seek out others like me, which ultimately led me to your blog! I really hope that you include this post in your book. Maybe it will encourage people to take a step back and put themselves in a young mommy’s shoes…or at least shut the hell up and mind their own business! LOL!!
@Erica – I think you just came up with the subtitle for the book: “Shut the hell up and mind your own business!” LOL.
Like all these other moms, I know that feeling. Luckily, I’ve never wanted to be like the privileged older moms, many of whom lose themselves in the status-driven world of parenting and wake up one day wondering who they are.
It’s great that we can all convene virtually and talk about this. Even if we have to go to the park by ourselves, we can know that other moms are going through it at the same time, all over the place.
Thank you so much for this inspiring post! I could relate to this in the sense that I also look very young for my age. I am 25 but could still pass for 16. LOL. When I was in hospital when I had my son (now 8months) the nurses kept speaking to me like a was a teenager who got knocked up, not to mention the looks that I got from all the other moms.
I made a point of correcting them when they called me “miss”. I would politely point out that I am Mrs Shaw. The looks on their faces when their eyes would glance over to my ring finger was priceless. Some of them was so embarassed that they checked my chart again to make sure I wasn’t kidding. My wedding band was a status symbol in the maternity ward!
When I am out with my son people still stop and stare at me with a disapproving “children having children” look, but it does not bother me at all!
Lotsa love to you and the kids!
i cant comment on the race issue of young parenting, but i have gone thru so much discrimination because of having my child at 20. im 33 now and i wish it had gotten better. it doesnt. apparently i still look like im in my 20’s, just yesterday the manager of an apt i was renting, said my god when did u have her, when u were ten? its not just that ppl think theres no father in the picture (Im a widow) many people just assume, its that i am perceived as though I am not capable of parenting. definitely big frustration as i thought by now it wouldve ended. i think the only time i will enjoy the comments is when shes an adult and ppl think im her sister. ha!
WOW!!! I get the same looks at the parks where I live. There are maybe a handful of us and the ones here don’t have small children so I am the ONLY one at the parks, kiddie places but it’s all good. I like the stares and even better it encourages me to keep going to those same places.
You are right about the 20s something mothers…most of the time you get put in the teen mother category cause people don’t know where to put you but I say they can stick a sock in it and stop putting people in categories at all.
Keep taking your babies for the ride of your life, my mom did with me and I am a better woman for it now.
Good Luck!!!
Oh my goodness!!!! Its like you followed me around or something! That is exactly what I’m going through and what I’ve been going through. I’m a 26 year old mother of 2. I had my first when I was 23. I waited to have kids after I was married but now my husband and I are separated and I don’t wear my ring and it feels so weird now. Before when people gave me the side glances I didn’t care because my ring was there shining brightly on my ring finger. Now with my finger empty, I’m getting the stares with disapproving looks because they assume I’m a single mother and why have one child out of wedlock not to mention two. But I don’t care what people think. They don’t know my situation. They don’t know what I’ve been through or what I’m going through now. I’m so thankful I have my kids with me going through life, witnessing my ups, downs, failures and triumphiants. I’m raising sons and I’m hoping this will teach them what a strong black women looks like.