I’m not sure what it’s like for childless couples, but I understand how a healthy, thriving, sex life can get pushed to the bottom of the to-do list (no pun intended) once the babies come. I was there, but I was a MESS. Once our sex life got back on track, wouldn’t you know that our communication improved?
We were nicer to each other. We started using little pet names again. We’re dating more. Our kids notice. My daughter (who’s three) said to her grandpa, “My mommy and daddy love each other.” Now, if that isn’t heartwarming, I don’t know what is.
I don’t pretend to have all the answers. (Or, heck, any of the answers.) But I do know that many relationships suffer from a lack of intimacy, which leads to problems in the bedroom. Here’s some common issues we had and how we resolved them. Pick and choose as you wish:
- “I’ve had a long day. I’m too tired for sex.” Some women figure their men can fend for themselves, so they think, “Oh, it’ll be okay, I’ll make it up to him tomorrow.” But men don’t necessarily think like that. They see it was rejection. Rejection night after night after night isn’t good for anyone’s spirits. And this goes for women too. Fellas, your woman wants to feel beautiful, sexy, desirable, ESPECIALLY after her body has gone through changes to give birth to your kids. Pulling out the “I’m too tired” card more than once in a blue moon can deflate an ego in a heartbeat. If you find yourself too tired for sex, try it at different times. Maybe bedtime is not the right time for you, but maybe in the morning or right after dinner.
- “Why don’t we kiss anymore?” Some couples were never too big on the little displays of affection to begin with. But if you were one of those cutesy, “No, I love YOU more” couples and now a day or two could go by without even eye contact, then you’ve got some work to do. Make it a point to touch your spouse. Kiss the back of their neck when you walk by. Hold their hand when you’re sitting on the couch together. Let them put their feet in your lap and give them a foot rub. Kiss before you go to bed. Rub their leg while you’re driving. (Well, maybe not the last one. Could mess up your concentration. LOL) The point is, you have to put in the same effort you did before, even though your plate has more on it now.
- “She/he just doesn’t dress like they used to.” I was majorly guilty of this one. I used to wear cute, clingy low-cut tops, hip-hugging jeans and sky-high heels every time we went out. Pardon my ego, but I was HOT! Then I had kids. Those low-cut tops showed off my impossibly unsexy nursing bras, so they had to go. My jeans were still hip-hugging but not because I wanted them to be. I replaced my heels with cute flats. My wardrobe had changed in almost every way, and while my husband didn’t say anything, I know he noticed. So once my kids were a little older and I was out of the “Which bodily fluid am I getting splashed with today?” stage, I tried to make little changes. I bought some 4-inch wedge sandals. Sexy, but more comfortable. I lost 10 pounds (go me!) and bought some skinny jeans. Hubby has definitely sat up and taken notice. Little changes are usually all you can do if you’ve been putting your appearance on the back burner. Chances are, any little change won’t go unnoticed.
- “He’s not as romantic as he used to be.” Ladies, I’ve got your back on this one. My husband was the KING of romance when we were dating. You know what he used to call me? “QUEEN.” I was dating a man who actually called me “QUEEN.” You know what he calls me now? He doesn’t call me anything. He just waits until I’m in the general vicinity and starts talking. So I know a little something about romance going by the wayside. But I’ve found that if you want romance to come back to your relationship, you might have to create it yourself first. Surprise him or her with a bouquet of flowers/gift at their job. Give them a good back rub without them having to ask. Make the effort on your part and you’ll be surprised at how it changes things.
It’s hard to keep the intimacy in your relationship after it goes through major changes (like the birth of a child) but it is important that you work on it anyway.
Were you struggling with the intimacy in your relationship? How did you fix it? Are you still struggling? Speak your piece in the comments!
My husband and I have been married for 16 years now and I know all about what you are talking about. It’s hard some days to be the sexy vixen I was once was (and she still lives in me). I guess we all have to find a balance to keep that spark going. It gets harder the older you get but thankfully the hubby and I have met each other half way. I try to purposely wear certain things and bend over in and exaggerated way to show him some thangs 😉 We do what we must to keep it hot! haha
Great post and I am very impressed!
i just want to say that im so glad that i found your blog and cnat wait for your book….i am currently still struggling with intimacy….before i got pregnant with my daughter (who is now 17mo) i used to want it 3 times a day to the point that my bf had to be like calm down he wasn’t going anywhere (i had no problem with that) but somewhere during the pregnancy and then after i had her (i had ppd. and was in deal about it) i had NO desire for ANYTHING…i even told him to go with some1 else just don’t let me know, cause i just didn’t know what else to do. i felt bad for not wanting to be intimate. idk then things got a little better and im pregnant again and due in 4 months…loll however he says its better this time around then last time, but im still not where i used to be….i just want my mojo back….!!!!! sorry for the story….lol
I’m sorry. The post is heavy and I will eventually come back to comment, but I think it was a bad idea to use that particular image b/c I’m TOTALLY distracted by hot red shoes. Can I win those on your blog if I leave a super-poignant comment?? Huh? Can I, Tara, can I?
@Execumama – I love those shoes and want them but I have no idea where to find them. I just Googled “red pumps” and found those. I think it was God telling me I deserve some new shoes. LOL.
this blog definitely spoke to me! my daughter was born in august of 2008 (making her 18 months)- her father and i had been in a relationship for 2 years before she arrived, we were very much in love and enjoying everything that comes with that. once she arrived (via c-section), everything about our relationship changed. i had gained 50 pounds and so of course was not feeling very comfortable or secure with how i looked. add to that i was a 19 year old with a now horrible scar (i have sense embraced it). we got engaged a couple of months after she was born- it was one of those we should get married because we have a baby type of situations- and unfortunately we were never able to get back to the place we had been prior to having her. we broke up and now i am a totally independent single mom.
my advice to those who are struggling is to make sure to make time for one another even when it seems impossible. afternoon naps for baby can turn into an impromptu lunch date. the first couple months of parenting can be exhausting, but once you and your new family get settled into the new ways of life, dating and sex, and even romance can find their ways back in!
We went through this and kind of still are. I have started making an effort to put on make-up and stop wearing sweats all the time. Sex went south for us too (lol) we were sex-aholics before the baby came and then afterwards in my mind I was like the less you touch me the better…LOL. As women we do tend to let things go a bit so I try to find a comfortable balance. I notice that when I workout I seem to find the necessary energy. I swear 20 minute on a treadmill a day can give you a real boost.
Honey, let me tell you when I saw this link on my twitter page, I almost pushed my son on the floor trying to get to this blog! I am sooooo in need of help in this area of my marriage! My husband is 7 years younger than I am (he is 23 and Im 30) so I am fully aware that what I won’t and don’t do, there are millions of other women out there that are ready and willing to do any and everything under the sun to please my man. The problem is just what you said Tara, IM TOO TIRED! But the sad thing is I can find energy to do else but have sex.
We have 3 kids (7,9, and 8 months). So when I get home, it’s basically dinner, wash clothes, homework, discipline, yelling, facebook, twitter, blog, chatting with sister, etc. When I do get settled the only thing I want to do is watch TV before I go to bed. (looking at all I do everyday, I guess I just figured out why Im tired, huh?).
Im glad I was able to get that off my chest! Now Im gonna go set SEX GOALS so I can get my groove back!
@Sharmetra – I think you’ve just inspired me to do a follow-up post tomorrow. What I will say for right now is that you shouldn’t be hard on yourself. Not at all. Check back tomorrow for a more detailed post…
Oh, how I needed this post. I work full time, I have a two year old and I am almost four months pregnant – Admittedly, I am making no effort to keep or get it hot lol. My poor spouse hasn’t so much as frowned at me. He dutifully rubs my feet and snuggles on the little inch of bed he has left (that is not occupied me and my giant maternity pullow) and never complains. You’ve shamed me – I should work on it. I don’t know about the heels – but maybe we can go to bed without the maternity pillow?
Also, I want to add – I just discovered your blog and I LOVE it. I married my hubby at 24, had my son at 26 while I was living in Manhattan and I felt like I was 16. The doctor’s kept calling me young and talked about how old they felt. I realized in the neighborhood I lived in – it was the norm to be 35+ and having your first child. Also – I was the first of my friends to have a child. It is so amazing that you have created a community for us happy, child-having, 20-somethings who are living and loving our little babies. Go you!
@Tiara – Oh, how you just made my day!
Thank you so much! And yes, I know exactly what you mean. My OBGYN still calls me “kiddo.” (I don’t mind ’cause I absolutely love him, but still.)
I’m writing a follow-up post to this tomorrow. Be sure to stop by!
Hello Tara, I have been reading your blog for awhile and i wanted to tell you I love the fact that you are dedicating it to twenty-something mothers. I am not a mother yet, but I hope by reading blogs and preparing towards the journey of motherhood it will be easy in future.
Intimacy is hard for many couples and in this journey I aim to be fit before I get there because I heard is easy to get back into shape if you were already active before the P. This will allow me be sexy soon after P. and in this case I will feel good about myself and the hubby will see the benefits ;)!
keep in touch.
Hey, Tara!
Our intimacy took a nose dive for a while. We went on a three day trip last September, and that definitely helped. My son just got out of the hospital, and now everyone else in the house is sick, so there goes our intimacy. But most of hte time, we are very affectionate, and our son is always watching us hug and kiss just like your daughter. I need to step it up in the fashion department. I feel so unsexy lately. I recently purchased some lingerie, and my husband has yet to see me in it because I feel fat in it. I think I need to stop comparing myself to girls in magazines and on tv, because I can’t help but feel like my husband wants me to look like that.
@CJ – I compare myself too. I haven’t purchased any new lingerie because I want my pooch to be gone first. So I feel where you are coming from.
But let me tell you, I do not think your husband is laying awake at night wishing he had some of these superfit celeb chicks with him. He doesn’t. Maybe we need to give guys more credit. He loves YOU. And you love him. Sure, he liked the way you looked before, but he also likes the way you look now. If you don’t like the way you look now, then THAT’S what we need to work on. I’m betting that you look great, but every mom gets doubts about how she looks, especially when it comes to “sexy time.” We just have to keep at it, throw on the lingerie even if we think we’re not quite ready for it.
Yeah, I know it’s all me. I need to quit. I don’t want to turn him off with my self-issues.
Right on the money as usual. Really hit home for my relationship.