One day when my daughter was about seven months old, I snapped for the first time.
I was home alone with her and she had been crying nonstop. We were stuck in a little 400-square-foot apartment (if that big), and it was going on six hours of the madness. I did everything I could think of: fed her, burped her, changed her diaper, changed her clothes, gave her a bath, bounced her on my lap, on my knee, swung her around, shushed her and sang in her ear, wrapped her tight in a blanket – EVERYTHING.
So when none of that worked, I tried to take a deep breath and calm myself. “It’s okay,” I kept saying over and over again, speaking not to my daughter but too myself.
But she JUST KEPT CRYING. It was like she was testing me, testing how good of a mom I was. “If you were a GOOD mommy, you’d figure out why I’m upset,” she seemed to be yelling at me.
I felt myself getting thisclose to losing it, and I headed for her room. Her cries got louder. She knew what I was up to.
I opened her bedroom door and I plopped her in the bed and slammed the door behind me. She screamed as if I had actually hurt her.
Instantly I felt horrible, even though I know in my heart if I hadn’t put her down and walked away, it would have been trouble. I opened the door and peeked in on her. She was standing, holding on to the railing, giving me a look that clearly said, “What is your problem, lady? I’m a baby here – you’re supposed to be the one in control.”
It was a rough day and I remember very distinctly that I had one of my “shower cries” that evening. Know what a shower cry is? It’s when you are so sad that you go and stand in the shower, put your face in the water and just…cry. Let it all out. I tell you, you will sound (and look) extra dramatic but when you come out you are completely purged. A new woman.
I hated when I had to put “shower cry” on my to-do list, because it meant I wasn’t in control of my emotions. I wasn’t patient enough to make it through the day without a meltdown.
Point blank – I want a do-over. I want another chance. I wish I had done things differently. I wish I had been more patient, more fun, more present, more creative. I wish I had sought professional help for my postpartum depression and dealt with it sooner rather than let it simmer for close to a year.
I know you can’t go back in time and change out those mistakes but man, these days I find myself wishing with all my might that I can.
Is there anything you can think of that you would do differently if given the chance?
I love this post <3
Bless you for sharing that. I think we all have days like that. I was lucky, our daughter hardly ever EVER cried, so I never had to deal with that sort of thing. But I used to be SO intolerant and I guess strict – with a baby! She would throw her cup on the floor repeatedly and spill her food and do what (I know all) babies do… I used to think she was winding me up, doing it on purpose and trying to make my life difficult. It wasn’t her with the problem, it was me…
The mistake that I made was taking too much on, I was doing my my phd and looking after her and it was just all too much, I was planning our wedding and we had just moved house and I didn’t have the patience. I agree with you Tara, patience and creativity are really key in mothering. You have to make time to play with your kids and just to enjoy them, they wont want to play with you forever. I think sometimes its good to take time out of the routine too, away from the chores and really just be with our kids.
I’m waffling now, but that’s my mistake… not taking time to ‘be’ there when I was actually there… xx
I remember the first time my daughter did that and how guilty I felt for putting her down and walking away. But that breather helped me stay sane. I wish I could remember that all the time, though. I regret all the times I’ve snapped or yelled when I should have just walked into the bathroom and taken a breather.
I remember my first mommy meltdown when my son was about the same age. I just put him down in his crib, shut the door, and sobbed in the living room. Complete breakdown. It was at that moment when I realized that someone could snap at their kids — the moment before the breakdown.
Till this day, I wish I was in more control of my emotions. I wish I had a do-over.
And those shower cries…loved ’em!
@Alicia – I thought I was the only one who knew about the shower cries! You’re a buddy for life now!