So many people close to me are trying to get pregnant.
I’m talking taking temperatures, having sex every two days, buying ovulation kits, stocking up on pregnancy tests, going through round 1 of IVF – the works! They are sooo looking forward to becoming mommies.
Now it is difficult for me to understand their enthusiasm. As you know, both times I found out I was pregnant, my first reactions were “Shit!!!!” and “How in the hell…?” respectively. Wasn’t trying to get pregnant, wasn’t doing (much of) anything to prevent it. But at that time, getting pregnant was the worse thing to happen to me. It was struggle after struggle to get my life in order before the baby arrived.
So when they talk about their disappointment of not being pregnant that month, it’s all I can do to keep myself from blurting out, “Enjoy your freedom! You’ve got one more month to go whatever you want whenever you want before it’s too late!” How insensitive, right?
It’s got me thinking about why people decide to have kids. I had kids because I got pregnant. I wasn’t actively trying to have them (yes, I was having sex but you know what I mean!) and I am done now.
But why would people decide to go from a happily married couple (because those are the folks doing most of the planning), free to travel and eat out at restaurants three nights a week, to parents, who are making multiple meals in the slow cooker to save money for diapers and daycare?
I ask because I never got a chance to make the decision and say to myself, “I think I’m ready to become a mom.” Nope, I looked at the stick and said, “Well, I guess I’m going to be a mom.”
So why did you decide to have kids? I am genuinely curious…
I got to age 28 and I HAD TO have a child. I didn’t even think about the loss of freedom or anything else. I craved a baby with 100 times the intensity that you crave chocolate during PMS. It took us two years of “trying,” and the farther into that we got, the crazier I got. I would go to the store and see mothers yelling at their kids, and I would hate them. Not just dislike their behavior, I would HATE them, because they had what I wanted and I couldn’t have it and OMG what if I never have kids and gaaahhh!
It was like madness, seriously. I still don’t understand exactly what came over me. It was all I could think about. The only explanation I have is that it was some kind of biological imperative hard-wired into me by thousands of years of evolution.
And then I got Postpartum Depression, and I was all nuts AGAIN, but for the opposite reason. I remember saying, “I spent two years crying because I wanted a baby, and now I have one and I’m still crying! It doesn’t make any sense!”
I drove everyone around me insane for a good 4 years – it’s a wonder anyone still speaks to me.
The quickest way to alienate your baby-wanting friends is to tell them to enjoy their freedom (even though you’re totally right). Just hold their hands and say, “I know, it’s really hard,” even though you don’t understand.
.-= Amy´s last blog ..Editorial Decisions =-.
@Amy – Thank you for your response!! I can understand how wanting to have kids and then having difficulty doing so can be a maddening time – so I guess in a way I have a sense of sympathy for them. But it’s the “wanting” to have kids part that gets me. But I think your comment helped me understand it better. Thanks!!
Much like you, I was ridin’ out on the “Oh, hell naw!” train when we found out I was with-child (both times)! The second time, I had the audacity not to talk to Kris for almost a month, as if he—and only he—had a hand (well, not exactly a hand) in the matter.
In hindsight though, I’ll say that my daughters were given to me as a gift and a series of important lessons. They really do teach me about authenticity, patience, and hearty doses of constant reminders that God has to be all in the mix in our life (read: household) or folks (read: our daughters) might be unsafe
.-= Execumama´s last blog ..No Vaccine- No Peace- The Trouble With Preschool Rant 2 of 3 =-.
Much like you, I was ridin’ out on the “Oh, hell naw!” train when we found out I was with-child (both times)! The second time, I had the audacity not to talk to Kris for almost a month, as if he—and only he—had a hand (well, not exactly a hand) in the matter.
In hindsight though, I’ll say that my daughters were given to me as a gift and a series of important lessons. They really do teach me about authenticity, patience, and hearty doses of constant reminders that God has to be all in the mix in our life (read: household) or
.-= Execumama´s last blog ..No Vaccine- No Peace- The Trouble With Preschool Rant 2 of 3 =-.
I also was caught by surprise with my son. But now I want another, I want to be done baby making asap. Haha! But I’m not trying for one, because I *know* its not a good time. When my husband finishes school, that will be a good time.
I stumbled upon this via Twitter and just giving another side to this. I made the decision not to have children a while ago, I don’t think I ever really wanted them. I got an IUD so I wouldn’t have a mistake. I think for some people the mistake is a good thing but I worry it wouldn’t be and I’d hate myself if I did that. I want to make sure that if I ever change my mind it’s something I absolutely want.
.-= Robin´s last blog ..Loving Guy Love =-.
Girl, I’m like you. I never decided to have them (all 3) they just sorta happened. I guess I say I am very lucky because I see what so many couples go through trying to have just 1. I am one of those if the hubby breathes on me too hard I will get knocked up! Maybe the key here is if you are not trying it will happen. Make sense?
.-= Shelly´s last blog ..Hi Yucky! =-.
My husband and I planned our pregnancy, we had started seeing other family members with their new bundles of joy and one day my husband turned to me and said, “I want a baby” so being the dutiful wife I am lol (and just always wanting kids) we sort of just stopped using caution while being intimate and before you know it I was jumping up and down in the middle of our living room when the pregnancy test showed positive. We were thrilled and almost 2 years later we are def. on the route of planning for our second one. I have always wanted kids since I could first remember but I knew I wanted to be married first and have the solid support system, after my husband and I were married an in our own place it was just sort of the next natural step to us. We knew what we wanted and even though being parents do cut into our alone time and free time we chose to be parents so we can be selfless and put our child’s needs first.
I don’t have children. I’m getting married in 9 days and I’m 29. My fiance is 33. I went several years without wanting to even think about kids. I was enjoying being single and then dating and traveling and partying and going out all the time. I’m the youngest out of all of my friends and several already have babies. For me now I am thinking I’ll want to start trying about a year from now. I’m not ready to totally give up my freedom and flexibility but after a while all of the going out and dinners, etc. get old. And I feel like it’s a natural progression to want to create something with my future husband. To build a family of our own. To experience the ups and downs that come with children. Maybe you’re so insistent on telling your friends to enjoy their freedom because you never really got a chance to? Living almost 10 years as a non-married woman in my 20’s in a big city has been great. But I’m ready for the next thing…
@Brenn – “Maybe you’re so insistent on telling your friends to enjoy their freedom because you never really got a chance to…” Oh, you hit the nail on the head with that! That’s exactly why. I went from my parents house to a ready-made family and I never got to live the life that many single and childless people in their 20s get to experience. I love my kids and I ultimately think they make my life better, but I have nothing to compare it to. For me motherhood = adulthood and vice versa. Hard for me to think of one without the other.
Best of luck to you and congrats on the marriage!
My first pregnancy was planned. Lots of my friends already had children, and we figured we had better get started if we were going to have any. Fortunately, I got pregnant on the first try, so I am not familiar with the heartache that some couples go thru. When we spoke about having babies, it was kind of like “this is our next adventure”. I never really felt like I was “ready” to be a mom, but I figured, what the heck, I can’t be THAT bad at it.
My situation was similar to yours. I looked at SEVERAL sticks and stated, “Here goes..” That happened to me for both of my pregnancies.
I never intended to have children. Then, my view changed to me wanting to be established. Since things haven’t happened in that order, I’m basically making the best of being a single mom. I have my hardships; but, the end result is so rewarding.
.-= Carla´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesdaykinda =-.
I had my son because I got pregnant. And like you, it was totally unplanned. I was like “mother eff!” and “is this for real?” I was totally indenial for about 5 1/2 months. Totally. And that was a long time to be indenial. LOL.
Like others have mentioned in the comments above, I know people who, once they hit a certain age, like the 28-30 range, felt like that HAD to have kids. And I totally understood why. They were either graduating with a masters, already had a masters, was stable in their career, and felt liked they lived-it-up enough to settle down.
I, on the other hand, didnt have that luxury. And I wished I were in their shoes sometimes. I was always happy for my older friends who were “trying” b/c I’ve always felt like it was the perfect time for them to have a baby. And next month, I’m going to one of their baby showers… so exciting!
.-= alicia´s last blog ..In Case of An Emergency =-.
I like you Tara never intended on getting pregnant. The first came my sophomore year in college. The second after I graduated with my Master’s but still I was just getting used to being a mommy who had money. It’s funny because I tell my friends when I have the IUD now that I’m not doing anything but did not use any caution when I was doing something. But I too tell my friends to enjoy their life without children because I wish I could have a little of mine back. Not to do anything big but maybe sleep in on the weekends. Our friends want what we have and us vice versa(some days of the week.) What’s the saying, the grass is always greener on the other side.
I didn’t plan to have either of my kids. With my daughter I was a college freshman so it was definitely a WTF moment. With my son my husband and I had only been married for 3 months when I found out I was pregnant and I spent a good week devastated. I knew that I wanted us to have kids eventually but in my plan they came about 2 years after the wedding.
Although I do not want anymore kids at all- I do kind of wish that I had the experience of planning to get pregnant so that when I found out I could yell “Yay!” instead of expletives.
I don’t even know where to begin. I guess when you’ve always known you wanted kids, yet don’t get married until age 33, that decision to get goin’ is already made for you. I suppose I could have gotten pregnant in my twenties, but endometriosis treatments, surgeries, bc pills, and lousy boyfriends that I couldn’t picture myself having a future with robbed me of that. This is not the ideal timeframe I envisioned for myself, but I’m at a point in my life where I would be willing to give up freedom for something I’ve waited so long for. If I keep looking at things from a “one more month” perspective, my fertility and my chances may run out, ready or not.
.-= Debbie´s last blog ..Take the good- take the bad =-.
@Debbie – Yup, I see your point. I understand why you’d like to be pregnant NOW, versus “sometime in the future.” I think it’s cool that people say, “We should have kids.” I never got to make that decision, so I’m always curious as to what struck the “We’re trying for a baby” match.
My first was not planned at all. My second pregnancy, I was actually planning to get off of the pill to start trying to have a baby and 2 weeks before I was gonna quit the pill I became pregnant!! I was really happy. So I had the best of both worlds I guess. I can’t explain it. My son was eight, and I was just ready.
The question to me is Why not have kids? Its what we were put on earth to do and our god given talent. If we didn’t the worl would not go on. My first was not planned at all. My second pregnancy, I was actually planning to get off of the pill to start trying to have a baby and 2 weeks before I was gonna quit the pill I became pregnant!! I was really happy. So I had the best of both worlds I guess. I can’t explain it. My son was eight, and I was just ready.
I got back from honeymoon and became a woman possessed! I was the broodiest hen in the farmyard! I tried supressing by reading books that will give me a reality check and that was when I started to have the children vs. career debate with myself. All my life I have wanted kids esp Twins (they run in my family)
After we had been married a year and I was done with University, We talked about it more and by that time DH was really eager and so I felt like I could let my heart do What it wanted. Cue Fertility Awareness,BBT & Throwing away the Birth Control And so here we are… Stay tuned for the update!
.-= Lucy´s last blog ..Graduate Goodnews =-.
I agree with you Leah, I feel that we as women should have kids some point in our lives, because if you look at in a biblical sense (and I am a Christian so I def. agree) God want’s us to be fruitful with our husbands and I also think it’s very important that women have children when it’s right for them because the worst thing you can do is bring children into this world and not be able to emotionally/financially care for them; and if you happen to have an unplanned pregnancy well the best thing you can do for your child’s future is to “prepare” for being a great parent to them by getting your stuff straight cause whether that person asked for it or not they made the decision that ultimately ended in them being pregnant.
I feel like you, Tara. But I think that it is just like everything else, you think more is better, or you think the opposite of what you are is what you are missing out on.
I think it is an inborn instinct to want to crave children. We (people who had unplanned pregnancies in their early 20’s) just did not get to experience that desire because we started parenthood a little earlier than most.
I really do not have a good answer because both of my pregnancies were unplanned. (Well, actually the second pregnancy was because in the heat of passion, I had one of those “Jody, I wanna have yo’ baby” [Baby Boy] moments. But swear I wasn’t SERIOUS, lol.)
.-= Mrs. CJ´s last blog ..Recalling my Days of Postpartum Depression =-.
Well, we didn’t decide to have our son. He just kinda..happened. We both knew that we CRAVED a family so when we got the 2 pink double strips, we were out of this world excited. We plan on extending our family but maybe in (insert reasonable year here)increments. We want some time to get it together and have that freedom. But our son is what fuels us. He is the fire under our butts telling us to strive for more. So although becoming young parents has been a struggle…we needed that to help us get in gear.
I’m late with this post, but I wanted to have my son because I loved my husband (then boyfriend) so much I was terrified of losing him like if he died (still am). I knew if I had his baby I would always have him with me in our child. I almost passed out when we looked at the pregnancy test together, we were both still living at home and I was still in school, husband had okay job I was in between, I was un shock but happy. Until my mom found out and blew up on me, told me I had to be out her house before he was born, she didn’t even want to see his ultrasound pictures…if I could do anything over it would be to have asked God for a better mother. She hurt me so much during that sensitive time. Here I am a first in our family to graduate college, moved out, and married to such a good man (crying now). Getting pregnant before being fully financially ready ok, but my heart was ready Aide is my most precious gift I thank God everyday.
@Reece – Aww, sweetie, I’m sorry your mom’s response wasn’t what it should have been. But you are right, you are blessed with a precious gift.
My husband and I had talked about having kids “one day.” I knew I always wanted kids. To leave a legacy after I ‘m gone. It just felt like a natural progression but I had the nagging fear about being responsible for raising an innocent soul. While I was working through my fears, and a year before we planned on trying, I found out I was pregnant. By then we’d been together 9 years and married for 3 so I wasn’t really worried about ending out just us time. Our son is 8 months now and we’re working on a timeline for the next kid(s).
.-= Rae´s last blog ..If I had it to do over =-.
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