by Tara Pringle Jefferson
I told you guys I was heading back to school to get a degree in Family Studies, which meant I would be spending my nights studying healthy families and strategies to make dysfunctional families whole again.
I also said I’d share any interesting tidbits I come across and wouldn’t you know, I’m ready to start sharing!
In our reading last week, we learned about “the benign assumption”:
“In families where there is a highly contentious tone, each daily event that annoys or even has the potential to annoy someone is responded to with far more negative response than the event should warrant.”
Basically this means that when everyone in the family is uptight, little events that might not be a big deal in some families, might mean a huge blow-up in others.
Let me give you an example of the “benign assumption” in action:
Let’s say I didn’t empty my husband’s pockets before putting his clothes in the washer. Little did I know, he had a receipt in his pocket that he needed to return a recent (expensive) purchase.
Upon finding out about the receipt being ruined, my husband could say something like: “Ugh, why didn’t you check my pockets first? You’re always snooping through my stuff any other time.”
OR
“So the receipt’s messed up, huh? Oh well. I know you didn’t know it was in there. No big deal.”
The first response would usually occur in a household with an under current of anger. Quick to judge and assume a negative view.
The second response? Typical of those families that practice the “benign assumption.” You assume the best and don’t take everyday mistakes personally.
Which one sounds more like you? When surprised with unexpected events, are you harsh or understanding with your tone? Would your partner expect you to listen to their side and assume the best, giving them the benefit of the doubt?