I haven’t done an “Ask the Readers” post in a while. Here’s one that needs your immediate attention:
Hi Young Mommy,
I am a 24-year-old mother who is fed up. I’ve been with my child’s father since I was 16. He went away to school and cheated on me and didnt tell me about it until my son turned 1. If he would have told me when it occured I would have already left and we would not have a child together.
He’s the only one I’ve ever been with and I love him, but he’s also a big baby. He whines about everything. I feel like the man in my relationship. He smokes and raps (2 things I hate). We drive each other crazy and it is affecting my son and my school work. What to do?
Signed,
Can’t Take It Any More
Dear CTIAM,
You sound like mentally you are ready to leave – you just want confirmation it’s the right decision. I’m not sure if this makes you feel any better, but your situation is not that uncommon. I’ve heard from sooo many moms who were in your shoes. In a relationship with their first love and still in the relationship out of a sense of obligation, not necessarily out of love and devotion.
The first thing I want you to ask yourself: Are you happy in this relationship? Don’t answer too quickly. Sometimes we say “Yes” or “No” before we really understand what happiness really looks like for us. Let me ask you this: When you wake up in the morning, what’s the first emotion you usually feel? When he calls you on the phone, do you race to pick it up or do you let it go to voicemail because you just don’t feel like dealing with his nonsense right that second? Be honest with yourself. Again, I ask, are you happy? Are you happy with him?
It sounds like you are not over the fact that he cheated. Did you ever get closure from that? Have you two talked it out? Did he apologize and promise not to do it again? If he did, do you believe him? If you truly feel the trust has been broken with no hopes of ever fully mending it…I think you know where I’m going with that.
You say he is a big baby. You might think he needs to grow up and be, well, a man. You want him to quit smoking and quit rapping and become more responsible, right?Well, let me tell you this – he will not change. At least, not because you want him to. These kinds of changes are driven from within. So you might be banging your head against the wall trying to get him to see things your way.
Instead of trying to change him, focus on what YOU can change. Can you change how you respond to him when he does things that push your buttons? Instead of asking him to quit smoking, can you ask that he only does it outside? And then, give him some clothes to change into once he’s finished. Start small.
The most important thing I think in this whole situation is that you two have a kid together. So, even if you decide you don’t want to be in a relationship with him anymore, you are still going to be attached to him in some way. My question is how can you build better relationship skills? I’d recommend checking out the resources at WeParent.com or Coparenting101.org. You can learn from real-life couples how they managed to behave cordially once the relationship was over. It will not be an overnight process, but you can make it work.
You have a little guy to look out for and your heart to protect. Guard both fiercely. Keep pressing forward in your school work and shield your son from as much of the emotional strife as possible.
This is a hard decision, but ultimately, it’s yours to make. We wish you the best in whatever you choose.
What do you think, YML family? Do you have any advice to add?
I think you brought up some very good points to her, Tara. You always give such good advice
Here’s my take on it:
It sounds like you’re pretty fed up with everything about him. We can’t tell you if you should move on or stay with him – it has to be your decision, and you have to be completely sure of it. Making a decision and then second guessing it or going back and forth will not only hurt you, but it will hurt your son as well. You say the two of you are driving each other crazy and its affecting your son and school work. That, to me, is a huge warning sign that something has to change. If the relationship the two of you have is starting to negatively affect your child, you either need to fix it right now, or you need to move on. No child needs to deal with their parents’ problems. That isn’t right, and its so unfair to your son. That needs to be rectified immediately.
I understand he has some bad habits you don’t like. You need to decide if you can learn to deal with these habits, or if they are a deal breaker for you. Personally, I can’t stand smoking. I won’t let anyone who smokes be around my son. My son also has significant health problems, including chronic lung disease. It isn’t safe or healthy, and that is one thing I feel very strongly about. You need to decide how strongly you are against these habits.
Like I said, we can’t make this decision for you. We can stand around you and support you whichever way you decide to go, but thats all we can do. You have to look at yourself and your son and decide what is best for both of you. Good luck, I’ll be thinking of you. If you need a friend who’s been there, I’m here.
I agree with both you and Katie. Be sure of the decision, and then it will be the right one…going back and forth will hurt you all.
You gave great points and tips Tara!
.-= jess; [the bottle chronicles]´s last blog ..In 5 or 10 Years… =-.
I think you said it all, Tara. Great advice!
Tara, you’ve given some great advice here. The one thing I’d like to point out here is that no matter what decision you make concerning your boyfriend (I’m assuming, not sure if you are married), your child will be affected. That’s his father and there is no getting around the impact that relationship will have on the child. Dealing with your resentment surrounding the cheating and delayed honesty, has to be addressed whether you stay or go. If it’s not dealt with, your baby will carry baggage from the both of you. If you work through your issues, then you can embrace whatever your boyfriend has to offer with positivity, and that is whether you stay or go.
What has worked for me is journaling it out like this:
1) State what happened.
2) Talk about your responsibility in it (no one’s a victim. We all have some responsibility in every situation)
3) State what you want to happen now.
4) State why you will forgive.
5) If you don’t feel a weight lifted, go through the steps again.
Do this for each problem you have with him and watch yourself and your relationship change.
Personally, I think she needs to end the relationship. If their relationship is so bad off that it’s starting to affect their child staying is not going to help. Let’s keep in my mind that our kids’ well-being should always come first period. I grew up in a home where my mom tried to over look my dad’s issues and my childhood was hell!!!
Furthermore, what is he smoking? If he’s smoking weed or any other drugs then he certainly doesn’t need to be around their son. That is just dangerous and bad parenting. It sounds like he’s not handling his responsibilities as a boyfriend or father.
We as women need to stop settling and thinking we can’t raise kids successfully unless they live in a two parent home. Not true. Kids need love, attention, guidance and great parenting and they can get that from one parent. She needs to move on for the sake of her son and for her own sake. Get herself together, set up a court ordered visitation schedule and don’t look back.
.-= YUMMommy´s last blog ..Return of the Moo =-.
I don’t think anyone is saying she should settle. But the fact is that she has a kid with this guy and it shouldn’t be that easy to walk away.
I know it is possible to raise a kid on your own, but at some point, that little boy is going to be a big kid, then a teen and then a man. What kind of relationship is he going to have with his father? Half his genes come from that man – I think it’s worth trying to salvage the relationship if she can.
Part of the problem here is that we don’t know more details. I hesitate to tell women, “Girl! You can do it on your own! You don’t need him!” Because here, I promote healthy relationships, whether the parents are together or not. She needs to get to the bottom of why she’s fed up with this relationship and work on that, for the sake of her kid.
Because if she leaves, and they STILL have a contemptuous relationship, then what?
Sorry about my post being so vague, but I just wanted to say that he is a great father and never smokes in front of my son or within the house. It just bothers me how many times he need to go out and smoke or be by himself to rap, it takes time away from my son. The relationship only affects my son because he is constantly hearing us argue. He promised to never cheat again, but im not sure if thats true being that I’ve always been faithful to him and didn’t get it in return. He chatted with alot of his ex’s behind my back before this incident, so personally I just believe Im finally fed up. He seems to be trying to be a better person, but all that he has done has never left my mind and personally I believe never will.
Well then, sis, it sounds to me (and this is just my opinion) that what you’re really fed up with is your own feelings. What often happens when people let us down or betray our trust is that we want to continue punishing them for what they’ve done, even if they’re repentant. Because he hurt you so bad, those little things that annoy you are now magnified and (because you let them) wear at you further. We ALL do it, no matter how long we’ve been together. And it will continue to happen whether you stay with him and get married or if you decide to split.
It’s as simple as Tara said: focus soley on what YOU can control. You can’t control what he does, but you can control your own perspective and response to it. If he is indeed sorry and has turned away from those behaviors, try your best to judge the man on what he’s currently doing, not what he’s done in the past. And most importantly, forgive and TRULY forgive. That’s something you’re going to have to do whether you stay or leave, and obviously it’s been a problem for you to do it fully. You’re looking to him to make you feel better about the situation, when it’s simply not going to come from him — it has to come from you. Whatever you feed is what will grow, and if you feed your resentment for what he did, it will continue to grow and you will constantly be “fed up.”
Again, we can’t tell you whether to go or stay, but one thing is clear: you have to work on healing your heart and truly forgiving and moving on, whatever form moving on takes.
.-= Denise @How Mama Got Her Swag Back´s last blog ..What I Would Tell Her Today… =-.
Leave!!!!! I’m serious, it will be the best thing for you and your son. Allow him to still be a father and see his son, but be done with him. You are still young and it seems like you are trying to do something with your life. Just go. If the seed of wanting to leave is already planted, it’s just a matter of time before it will happen. You control how and when. Better now (peacefully) then later with DRAMA. Think about your son, what would you advice him to do? It sounds like your mind is already made up and you just need that extra push. So consider this your PUSH!!!
Spot on with this write-up, I really believe this web site needs a lot more attention. I’ll probably
be back again to read more, thanks for the advice!