I got into it with a Facebook “friend” a couple weeks ago when the House voted to strip federal funding from Planned Parenthood.
“Yes!” her status read. “I’m so glad MY tax dollars are no longer supporting that mess!”
“I’m not trying to pick a fight,” I wrote. “But why does this news make you happy if federal funding was going toward education and preventative services? Isn’t that…a good thing?”
Of course all of her friends jumped in and gave their two cents on everything from why abortion is a morally wrong to why people need to spend more money on condoms than big-screen TVs (yes, they went there).
But it was this comment that I just could not let go:
“This country would be so much better if women would stop being so slutty and stop opening their legs to everyone and having 15 different baby daddies and buying liquor from the store and drinking it while pregnant because they just don’t care. You can’t just get an abortion because it would be a minor inconvenience in your life…”
Never mind the fact that there are 424 different stereotypes in this comment. The last five words stopped me cold. “…a minor inconvenience in your life…”
What, exactly, about motherhood is only minorly inconvenient? Can someone please tell me? Because from my experience (and I’ve only been doing this for four years, mind you) this job, this title of “Mom” is probably THE MOST INCONVENIENT thing ever.
Nothing ever happens on your timetable anymore. Your decisions are not just your own, you MUST factor in how every dollar you earn and every minute you’re awake affects your kids. You must put their needs above yours and when you start out just barely having your own needs met, having a baby is more than just a notion.
I’m not trying to be pro-choice or pro-life in this space. Personally, I’m pro-choice but my blog is a neutral zone. But what I am trying to do is start the conversation on what it takes to be a mother and understand why some women might not feel they are ready for all that entails.
The problem isn’t abortion – it’s unwanted or mistimed pregnancies. As someone who walked down that road twice and feels the weight of the decision to become a mom every day, I know that it’s not a small decision.
Your whole life changes. Everything that you’ve ever known, everything you’ve ever done, everything you thought you’d do – everything’s different. We need to realize that if we want to decrease the number of abortions, we MUST give more than just lip service.
Where is the support for mothers in this country? Where is the support for dads? Why is it we rank miserably when it comes to maternity leave policies? Why did I have to squat over a toilet at work to pump my breastmilk? Why is it so hard to find affordable child care for those who are stuck “in the middle” – make too much to qualify for assistance or vouchers, but placing their kid in a decent center eats up the entire paycheck?
I’m serious about solutions. I didn’t start this blog because I like swag from big companies. I started it because I wanted to serve as a resource for young mothers who felt alienated from the rest of society. I wanted you all to know that I KNOW what you’re doing is hard work and it’s no “minor inconvenience.”
Well, first, I want to say I love the idea behind your blog. Now, I think many times those from the outside looking in believe abortions are an option for those who view pregnancy as a “minor inconvenience”. I think the person is trivializing with the term “minor inconvenience” to exaggerate the perceived irresponsibility of anyone who considers an abortion. This is a hope. I’m probably wrong. I also hope whoever argued in support of the funding cut never falls on hard times because they are discarding their own parachute. These programs are being cut because they are of no wealthy man’s interest.
In any event, I don’t like to use the word inconvenience when it comes to pregnancy because of the word’s negative connotation. However, I definitely get your point. Pregnancy and abortion are of equally serious nature. I, too, hope to affect change in this arena because it is clear that we’re not doing enough. We need to be more proactive than reactive about unplanned pregnancy (and parenting in general) and stop sensationalizing the trend. I could go on, but I’ll stop here.
Great post.
Unplanned or untimed pregnancy is the symptom of a much deeper problem of poor sexual choices and relations resulting from low self worth. True prevention is when young people respect themselves and their bodies enough to forgo casual sexual lustful relations resulting in these unwanted pregnancies. In my mind if the pregnancy is unwanted so should be the sex but I understand its more complicated than that. Planned parenthood should be preparing youth to be…parents and providing character education and development to build better parents for tomorrows children. This is where the argument needs to be…abortion is a symptom and arguing symtops does not get a cure for the real problem.
I have to say that I am personally pro-life, but I agree with what you said about the support for being a parent. I won’t abandon my beliefs, but I would certainly join forces with anyone pro-choice to help parents get more support in every way possible. I think lessening the number of abortions is a great place to start, and not making women choose between their career or having a family. I hate that some women think that they *have* to end their pregnancy because they can’t afford to have a baby, or don’t have the support they need.
Tara, you said a mouthful. And I get your point and appreciate your candor. I, too, am tired of the recent vilification of Planned Parenthood and the overall attack on women from the right most recently. Thought I believe abortion is wrong, I really think the Pro-Life position should be more appropriately named “Anti-Abortion.” If you’re going to be pro-life, be holistically pro-life. Don’t tell women abortion is wrong while cutting the very services that help parents, including WIC, Head Start, and PP. Don’t say you’re pro-life and refuse to support legislation that guarantees equal pay for women (who comprise the majority of single parent households and upon whom the financial burden of raising a child normally lies). Stop fighting against laws that ensure women are provided with clean, private spaces to pump their breast milk at work that AREN’T public restrooms where someone could be defacating in the next stall. Don’t speak about it, BE about it!
Just an FYI…married women and women in long-term relationships have abortions too. It’s just not teenagers. In fact, I believe that it’s happening even more often now that the recession has dragged on.
And I just laugh at all the so-called pro-lifers who love the fetus but couldn’t give a damn about the kid or adult it becomes. Like Denise said, be holistically pro-life, from womb to tomb.
@Tonya – Yes, married women and women in relationships most definitely do too. I don’t know the exact stats, but yeah it’s a sizeable number.
I understand completely how pro-life people feel because if they believe abortion is murder then how can you defend anything about it? You can’t.
But like Ava said, abortion is merely the symptom. People aren’t just having abortions for kicks. There are a lot of unplanned pregnancies and if we support women BEFORE they have to make such a hard decision, then we’d all win.
“Unplanned or untimed pregnancy is the symptom of a much deeper problem of poor sexual choices and relations resulting from low self worth.” I don’t think that this is the case for all unplanned pregnancies. For SOME, yes. But ALL… not in the least. Like Tonya said, married people have unplanned pregnancies quite frequently. Life is complicated, and it’s not as simple as a math problem in which 1 + 1 = 2.
No, Motherhood is not just a minor inconvenience. It changes everything, everything, EVERYTHING. I think that’s the discussion we should be having to effect change. Help that young lady or young man realize that life after child won’t be just about them anymore. If they can’t truly deal with that and all the implications that go along with it. they’re not truly ready. I wish someone told me that before I started being sexually active.
I agree with you that we need to start explaining to our daughters and sons that becoming a parent changes EVERYTHING. Not only the parenting part, but just becoming sexually active changes everything. You always hear people say urging teens to use protection, but what I’d like to hear more of is parents urging their kids to wait period. I’m not saying wait until marriage because not all people believe in marriage.
However, I do think that if you wait until you’ve reached your goals educationally, career-wise and financially then you’ll be better prepared to handle an unplanned pregnancy. We need to start keeping it real with our kids and not being afraid to say ‘Look, I love you , but I wasn’t ready and I wish I had been smarter.’ No, that doesn’t mean you regret having your child, it just means that you recognize you made a move that wasn’t smart. Our kids are searching for something for real and they’re turning to the media and their unknowledgeable friends and everywhere else for answers.
I think we do need to raise our voices and let the House know that while they feel like we don’t need the funding to educate kids on the importance of planning pregnancy, the different forms of safe sex and more, we do. Shows like Teen Mom prove that every week. Then, we have to start fighting to get sex ed put back in many of these public schools because let’s face it some of these kids go home to parents who really don’t give a crap and probably like our Facebook ‘friend’ look their responsibility as being a major inconvenience in their life.
I just wish that more kids had the mom that I had who told me about her struggle and wasn’t afraid to say I wish I had waited. It certainly stopped me from becoming sexually active until I was grown and no longer living under her roof! And when I did become sexually active it was with someone I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and that I knew would stand by and with me if and when I got pregnant even if we split.