I read this story last week of 25-year-old Lashonda Armstrong. This mother apparently drove her car into the Hudson River with her four children (ages 10, 5, 2, and 11 months) inside. Only one, 10-year-old Lashaun, was able to escape. The mom and the other three children did not survive.
From what investigators have been able to piece together, Lashonda was hurt over her boyfriend’s alleged infidelity. She was frantic, her son Lashaun said, and packed the kids into the car.
If you quickly do the math, you’ll see that Lashonda was 15 when she had her first child. Fifteen. She then had another kid at 20. Then at 23. Then at 24. I am not excusing what this mother did (or didn’t do), but I’m looking at how this could have been prevented.
People are quick to say that we should not support young mothers (financially, emotionally, etc.), because what incentive does that give the other young women not to take the necessary precautions (be it abstinence or regular birth control use) not to become pregnant? In other words, they’re asking, if we make it “easy” for young mothers to complete their degree and become financially stable, why wouldn’t everyone get knocked up on the government’s dime?
I have always thought this was a faulty argument and this New York story proves why.
If we continually turn our backs on young mothers, what becomes of the children? Where were the friends, social workers, community members – ANYONE – to help guide this mother? Who was there to help her see what a healthy relationship should look like or how she should expect respect? Who offered her a shoulder to lean on during tough times? Who offered to babysit so she could study? Who helped her, in any way, at any time, to help her feel like life was not impossible?
Again, I am not excusing what this mother did. I think it was horrendous, and the pain the surviving son must feel…I’m a pretty gifted writer, but I don’t think I would ever have the words to describe what he is going through and the agonizing fear that will haunt him for the rest of his life. Will the systems be in place NOW to keep watch over him and make sure he comes out of this ordeal relatively okay? Or will we fail him again and he will grow up to be broken and bruised?
*sigh*
In reading about this story, it becomes clearer to me that our country is failing our women and young girls. Our young mothers that are raising the next generation.
What do I mean by this? When I was in Florida a few weeks ago, listening to a panel of young mothers tell their stories (check out Charese’s story – I met her while there), I noticed a disturbing pattern: Drug-dependent parents. Horrific poverty. Sexual abuse. Physical abuse. Emotional abuse. Transient lifestyle. Early pregnancy. Homelessness.
Their stories began at a much younger age than many would believe. We’re talking about 3, 4, 5 years old. They were BABIES. If your spirit is broken as a toddler, a preschooler – how in the world can we expect these girls to have a healthy sense of themselves and make decisions that fit in the mold of what we’re “supposed” to do?
Their lives could have taken any number of turns. They, too, could have been at the end of their rope after years of dealing with bad relationships, or dead-ends, or feeling like the world doesn’t care about them.
But something miraculous happened to these women.
At a time when they needed it most, they were shown love. And support. Given a sense of purpose and direction that propelled them farther than they thought they could go. Given them permission to dream dreams larger than they ever imagined.
Now they are strong. They left relationships that left them broken; they were persistent in obtaining their Associate’s, and Bachelor’s, and Master’s degrees; they repaired relationships that required work; they set a goal and didn’t take their eyes off it until they reached it.
And therein lies the difference. And the more we can have those success stories, when being a young mom is embraced, not just as a matter of social policy, but as a matter of human decency, the better off we will ALL be.
Speak your piece in the comments.
This story has been replaying in my head over and over since it happened. My heart is especially crying with that bewildered 10 year old. His life is FOREVER changed because of one desperate mistake his mother made. I also heard that he blames himself for not releasing the seatbelt of the baby and taking her with him. So on top of all other emotions he feels guilt and somehow responsible for this – this – act. I don’t even know WHAT to describe it as.
I really do feel the frustration of the mom. I am also a single mom (divorced) and my support system is not very reliable. I do have relatives around but most are caught up in their own lives. What has saved me is that my son’s dad is still very much involved, so that visitation break gives me a second wind every couple weeks.
I want to do SOMETHING to reach out to single moms. I KNOW their struggle first-hand. There must be something worthwhile that I can do SOON to help them out. My struggle was VERY difficult at the beginning of my single parent journey. Five years into it I have learned to adjust my expectations and to work out my life in such a way where I can “pull it off” better than I was able to do five years ago.
I also agree that the brokenness begins early – VERY early – in the lives of these women. I’m gonna figure out what I can do to provide support once I am fully on my feet.
I was a single mom when i had my oldest. I was 20 when I gave birth. At that time, I was shunned by my parents, the church I loved turned it’s back on me (premarital sex was not looked upon as acceptable) and the baby’s dad couldn’t “handle my mood swings” so he took off to Europe. His parents called me a whore and wouldn’t want anything to do with me or my son. I was isolated, the friends I thought I had didn’t want to “party” with a girl who was pregnant or worse had a baby.
What did I do? I went to work. I busted my butt, I juggled college, daycare, work and bills. It sucked. it was the hardest thing I EVER had to do. To make it worse, when he was about 2 he started showing developmental delays. He was Autistic. So I am alone, overwhelmed with a special needs kid.
We all handle stress and horrific events differently. I was motivated by my stressful situation, and found a way to succeed. Flash forward 18 years. I have a young autistic man who is carrying a 4.0 in college. He graduated high school (with honors) and has exceeded all expectations. I have found a wonderful man and we’ve been married for 12 years. We have 3 other children who are also wonderful. My husband took in my son and claims him as his own.
While I didn’t get the horse and carriage, I got the knight. I just had to work a little harder. However. When I had my son, I realized I didn’t want to risk it happening again. I was very careful about birth control and making sure it didn’t.
We can mainipulate our life to be whatever we chose it to. It just takes motivation, perserverance and the ability to NEVER give up.
I feel for this mom, I really do. She gave up. I hate to see this. I see this every day in my job(I’m a nurse) and it upsets me. I also see the flip side. I see the 14 year old coming to the ER every month for pregnancy tests with about 5 friends who already have kids. There is apopulation out there who thinks it’s acceptable to have children young. It gives you a social status.
We also in my area are not permitted to teach birthcontrol in sex ed. I think we have an epidemic now of teen moms. I think we as a society either conciously or unconsciously have embraced this as a way of life. It goes beyond governement funding, assistance, welfare. It goes to what are we doing to our girls self esteems? Why do we make them feel like it’s necessiary to have a baby at 14? We need to change our though process in order to correct the problem. We need to fix the root, not just put a band-aid over it as we have for years.
I hate to say it, it’s bigger than this young lady. Think back this happens every so many years, a young, overwhelmed mom with multiple kids commits suicide with her kids (Susan Smith)
We need to fix the thought process that our worth is determined by our reproductive capacity. That is step one
@Jezi – I agree with so much of what you’re saying here. I really do. Depending on the person, difficult events can make you stronger, pushing you forward with more motivation than you knew you had.
But on the other hand, my eyes have recently been opened to the fact that girls who get pregnant at a young age just aren’t “fast” girls who “think they’re grown.” In some (most?) cases, these young women have been through traumatic events (physical/sexual/emotional abuse, neglectful parents, etc.), and those events have altered their worldview. If they’ve been abused sexually, they don’t value their sexuality or feel like they have any ownership over it. Lots of young girls (12, 13, 14, 15) who end up pregnant aren’t having sex with 12, 13, 14, 15 year old boys. A lot of the time it’s grown men (18 and up) who are preying on these girls.
So in a nutshell, there is a LOT of work to do. And it starts waaaay before a 12-year-old walks into a pregnancy clinic for a test.
I cried over this story. I also think the act was horrible but I can see her life going a totally different way if SOMEONE had shown support and helped her. I hate how society turns their backs on young mothers because they don’t want to “encourage” others to follow suit. How twisted a view is that? What OF the children? I’m so glad you wrote this.
“Life for me ain’t been no crystal stair.” By age 3, my father was in prison for assaulting my mother and my mother was addicted to drugs. Way addicted. By age 4, we were evicted from our apartment and living in a shelter. By age 8, I was in my second foster home and had endured abuse (emotional and physical) from both homes. By age 18, I had enough. And was out on own, in college. Life was hard. Very hard.
But I certainly wouldn’t be painting the entire picture if I didn’t talk about all the support I had. My School Counselor, Social Worker, and Teachers…. they all helped me. And contributed to my support system. I also had a church family, although when I found myself preggo and unmarried, I was asked to leave the church, but that’s another comment on another post….
My point is… you are so right on Tara. Support, support, support makes all the difference between realizing your dreams (having a dream to even realize!) and getting lost in this merciless world. I could have been her! I felt alone and scared and like NOTHING so many times in my life. Being pregnant and unwed and kicked out of a church made it even worse for me b/c I had defied so many other odds, but then THAT happened. And although my relationship with my ex was a coping mechanism for all that I endured in my life, I couldn’t help but feel that I brought it all on myself. When he cheated on me and was abusive towards me, I could have been her!!!! But there was support in place for me. And for that, I am ETERNALLY grateful.
I too was shocked and saddened by this tragedy. When I was a young mum, I was lucky to have support – licensed subsidized daycare, an amazing family doctor, mentors that I could call when I was going through difficult times. The government however saw me as another number on the system, hospitals red flag young moms to child welfare and many young women in my situation were not given support, rather they were forced to give up their babies. Teen pregnancy and young women face a fundamental lack of support and help when they need it most. I know the difference having a support system makes, I’ve had years with support and some years without. It means the difference between tragedy and having a chance at a better life for mums and the next generation of children we are raising.
My daughter heard this on the radio…she said to me, “thank you mommy for being strong” WOW. I told her I wouldn’t be the woman I strive to be everyday, or the best “mommy” if it weren’t for the help I got, and that us as a family are working together to change the cycle and make things even better for when she grows up. Thank you Tara for raising awareness of this issue!
Tara, as always thank you for the post. When I read the story and learned the details all I could say was “but God.” But God bc it could have been me! It amazes me that a young mom can give birth to a precious baby but be shunned and left in the cold with the baby. Where is the awareness of postpartum depression, unbalanced hormones, etc after you give birth? It lasts for a year after the baby is born. I’ve had that same state of mind as this young woman. I’ve been there but I had friends who I could call, subsidized child care to take them to for a break, frat brothers and church members…I had a lot of support! I moved across the country to attend grad school, just me and my 3yr old. I had teachers who watched him while I went to class. I was 19 and pregnant, 20 and a mother. I was fortunate to stay in a young mother’s residential program for a year while going to college.
All that to say, I had so many people who supported me that before I could fall down, they were already barring me up. But what I have also learned is that you cannot/will not understand a young mother’s plight if you’ve never been there or been touched by it directly. The mothers a ridiculed while the fathers are left unscathed. But God!
Hello,
I happened upon your blog and am really enjoying it.
Though I’ve heard, at a high-level, the story of LaShonda Armstrong, I have purposely avoided reading the story at a granular level. Though the story is tragric and horrific, that is not why I have avoided this story.. I have avoided this story because, as a single mother of a 4 year old with my closest family 9 hours away, and whose Ex cheated on me multiple times, with one of those acts of betrayal resulting in the birth of a child, I was afraid that I would understand her sense of overwhelming hopelessness.
That being said, I cannot and would never condone her actions, but I know what that despondent feeling feels like, I’m afraid.
I’d also like to add that I’m 42 years old, so this feeling is not unique to younger mothers. Having help and a support system is essential. Also letting people know that you need help is not only okay, it is vital. As women, and especially mothers, because we are natural nuturers, we do not do this nearly enough.
@Anita – Support systems are crucial and stories like this only further illustrate why. I hope you are able to find even more support – and healing.
I know some of the ramifications of being a teen mom and being shunned. I was abused (sexually and mentally). If you looked at my life and family, no one would suspect. I was raped, and then became pregnant. I became like the woman with the scarlet letter, shunned by many, even my family. I was called all kinds of names, hurtful things; but hey, I had been called names all my life, and the sad part was that it was mostly by my family. I had a few trusted people that stayed by me and went through the roller coaster ride of emotions with me. I had a so called boyfriend and I ended up pregnant a second time. Boy, it got rough, but by that time I had built up a defense mechanism that helped get me through some tough days and I am glad that I did because at one point, I was ready to give up and call it quits. I had no real clear definition of what real love looked like. My so called boyfriend did whatever, talked to me any kind of way, and treated me even worse…but to me, he showed me more than what I was getting at home (which is sad to say). After years of yo yo dating with him and two kids, I finished high school and started college. I walked away from that relationship and finished my degree. I started dating again, to a guy that took time with my kids and did for me, until, he felt like he didn’t want to play house anymore. But during that time, I went to grad school and got my Master’s degree, then had another baby and he left…smh. I got laid off from my job and it has been hard, but I still have to tell myself that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It seems like a lot of people are wanting me to fail, including my kids father…I have not really asked for help, but it does get depressing at times. I have been trying to start a non-profit organization, but it has been hard. My purse got stolen, with just about everything I had left from my savings. It has been a long journey and I am still trying to stay encouraged. Some days are worst than others, especially when you don’t know where the rent money is going to come from, the kids’ dad are acting like it is all about them, and there is no food in the house. I pray and pray and pray because although I don’t know exactly what was going on in the woman’s head before she decided she couldn’t take it anymore. I do know how it feels when it seems that you are not good enough, you have nothing left, and you just want the hurt to end. I have been there.
Sorry for this lengthy post!!!
Hi Trina,
I wish I could give you a hug right now!
You need support.
Is there an organization or a church (not all churches turn their backs on single parents – mine doesn’t) close by you where you can get the help you need? You need food for your children and other assistance. There is only so much anyone can handle without help from another human being.
Thanks Shelly, although you can’t physically give me a hug, I appreciate it. You are right, all churches do not turn there backs on single mothers, but when I tried to help a friend that was in a bad situation last year, everywhere we went it was NO, we can’t help you or if we help you this time, what are you going to do next time. We had to jump through hoops for just a little help. I live in the South, although we practice southern hospitality, it seems like some people here do not want you to succeed and will do anything to make sure that you stay down. I try to keep my head up because I have come through a lot, but it seems like ‘why is it so hard for me right now’ all I want to do is to be able to take care of my kids and make a better life for them. I finished my Master’s in less than two years and it has been a headache getting a job since I got laid off from my last one. I have looked everywhere and it just seems that I am between a rock and a hard place; like I am stuck with no where to go. I have worked my butt off to make sure I could take care of my kids and make a better life for them only to end up where I am. I am trying to stay positive, my oldest graduates in May. I have also been trying to do fundraisers to get him to different auditions, he is in Drama and wants to go to school to do theater. So on a positive note, I have my oldest two graduating behind each other and my little one, well, we have a way to go with her, but it will be her and myself. I am going to continue to do the things that I do. I am currently thinking about starting a blog and put together a website and maybe I can hopefully help others. Again Shelly, thanks for the hug and for encouragement.
Hey, I read your article (great by the way), and my heart weeps for that surviving child. I have also read the comments from the other readers. While I am not a parent, my mom was a single parent and it was hard caring for, at the time, two girls on her own. My mom’s primary support system was our grandparents, but they passed way by the time I was twelve.
I have a question and I hope that someone can address it. I have been a mentor to teenage girls that were abused or experienced hardships at a young age, but this is the one thing I just don’t understand, so I hope no one gets offended, but I’d really like to know.
If someone has already been pregnant once, what makes one have repeated pregnancies? Is there not something inside that says “ok I got pregnant once, but this won’t happen again”? If that thought does come to mind, what trumps that mindset? Is it a need for acceptance? Lack of role models/encouragement? I remember growing up, seeing how my mom had to struggle, and it was at those moments where I made a commitment to myself to not get pregnant, because I saw how hard it was and I didn’t want to experience that hardship first-hand. My route that I took to ensure that I wouldn’t get pregnant was abstinence, which I still practice to this day.
I just want to understand so that I’ll know how to encourage our young ladies to pursue their dreams before they endeavor to have more children.
@Chance – Thanks for asking that question. From my research (and personal experience!), most women who do have an additional pregnancy as a teen or shortly thereafter, get pregnant again when their first is approximately 18-24 months. It does make their parenting journey much more difficult. I can’t recall some of the reasons off the top of my head, but I’d reason that the reasons that they had the first child, probably was a reason for the second pregnancy.