A couple of hours after my daughter (my firstborn) made her entrance into the world, I was sitting in my hospital room, alone.
I was overwhelmed with emotion at that point and I’m pretty sure everyone who walked into my room – the doctors, nurses, even the lady that comes around to take the newborn pictures – could tell I was having a hard time adjusting to my new reality: that I was responsible for the daily care and feeding of a tiny little baby.
My second day of motherhood I struggled through yet another breastfeeding attempt. One of the nurses came in afterward and saw my puffy face, still wet from tears over the fact that I just wasn’t getting the hang of this breastfeeding thing. Something that was supposed to be so natural.
She took my vitals and said softly, “Would you like to see a lactation consultant? I can page her for you.”
I huffed proudly. “No, I can manage.” My pride got in the way. I wasn’t about to have a stranger teach me how to get my own baby to eat. No, no, no. I was her mother. I could do it.
Or at least I thought I could.
The next day I was still failing miserably, and my 9-pound chunky baby seemed to look up at me with her big brown eyes as if to say, “Alright, Ma, you gave it your best shot. Call the lady.”
I swallowed my pride and admitted I was flailing. The lactation consultant was kind and patient and showed me a couple different holds that my daughter seemed to like. We were latched. All was well.
It was one of the best valuable lessons I’ve learned since becoming a mom, and to think I learned it on my second day in the role: Accept help. It doesn’t make you weak. It makes you strong.
There is no prize for doing everything all the time by yourself. There is no lifetime supply of extra-fudgy brownies for the mom who endures the most exhaustion, who sacrifices her “me time” over and over again to the point where she can’t even recognize herself or what she likes to do.
Nobody wins when you try to be Supermom. Not even your kids.
I’ve learned to let people help me when they offer. I’ve learned to ask for help even if they don’t offer. I’ve learned that the more people I can get in my camp, as part of my support system, the better off I’ll be.
So when you know in your heart that you could use an extra hand or more support, open you mouth and ask for it. If your budget permits, PAY for it. Get a babysitter once a week for two hours or so and recharge your batteries. Hire a maid to come in once a month. Ask your parents or sister or brother or cousin or best friend if they could watch the little one for a couple hours/a day/overnight. You’ll be surprised at who is happy to help you.
If it’s your husband or significant other you’re trying to get more support from – ask them. Directly. Instead of saying, “Can you please give me a hand with this?” get specific. I don’t want to say men are dumb, but they for damn sure can’t give you help that you don’t ask for. They are not very good at predicting your needs or filling in when the moment calls for it. (If you do have a guy like that, kudos to you.)
I used to feel like I was drowning every day at home until I threw my hands up. I walked right over to where my husband was sitting watching TV, picked up the remote, turned off the TV and said:
“I need you to load the dishwasher. It is easier for me to cook when I don’t have dirty dishes in my way. I also need to you go downstairs and put some clothes in the washer. That pile of dirty clothes is big enough to eat the kids and I need you to take that over. I appreciate you doing that.”
Then I leaned over, gave him a kiss and went back to doing what I was doing. Did he get up and immediately do what I asked? No. (ARGH!) But he did them and every morning for the next week I woke up to a clean kitchen and clothes piles. Does he forget that I need him to do those things? Of course.
That’s when I walk over to him and say:
“I need you to load the dishwasher. It is easier for me to cook when I don’t have dirty dishes in my way. I also need to you go downstairs and put some clothes in the washer. That pile of dirty clothes is big enough to eat the kids and I need you to take that over. I appreciate you doing that.”
Yes, I’m repeating myself. Yes, I hate that. But you know what I hate more? Washing dishes and folding clothes. So I have to ask three, four times, it is STILL preferable to me doing it myself. I know it is extremely frustrating to have a partner who you feel isn’t pulling their weight. It almost makes things twice as hard for you, because not only are you doing it yourself, but you’re resentful because you feel you shouldn’t have to.
When you go to talk to your husband/boyfriend/fiance/whatever, be specific. Don’t start with what he doesn’t do. Start with what needs to be done. If he opens his mouth to object, just stay the course!
When I started to let people in, I noticed that I stressed less and I smiled more.
I NEED a supporting cast like I NEED oxygen. It’s really that simple.
Do you feel like you have enough support in your life? What would you need to do to get more support?
I definitely felt really, really alone immediately after my daughter was born. My husband was too busy FREAKING OUT about the new addition (he actually went back to work EARLY), and both my mom and mother-in-law had the flu. I was on my own and had no CLUE… not to mention the hormonal crazies that made me cry 24/7. I’m amazed I survived without going bananas. It really does take a village to raise a child, ESPECIALLY in the whacky newborn phase.
Now? You can bet I tell my husband EXACTLY what I need him to do. It helps to feel part of a team.
Can the church get an “AMEN”?
Amen!
Tara, you have no idea how much I love this blog post. Now its my turn for a confession:
Like you, I felt so alone after my son was born. You know he was born 4 months premature, so for about the first week, I was in a state of shock. After the shock wore off, I was all alone. My grandparents and mom tried to be as supportive as they could be, but they had never had a seriously ill child, and I couldn’t relate to them at all, and they didn’t really know how to support me, even though they tried. I didn’t eat, I didn’t drink hardly any fluids (which is probably why pumping breastmilk never worked out), I didn’t sleep. I sat in the NICU at all hours next to my baby’s incubator and stared at him and I felt helpless. When I was finally allowed to start doing things for him, like change his tiny diaper and hold his syringe full of milk while he was tube fed, I felt so much better. As I was able to do more and more for him, I felt so empowered, and when he finally got healthy enough and strong enough, I did absolutely everything I could to show the doctors and nurses that I could take care of him by myself. I didn’t need anyone’s help. And I think that is where I started going off the deep end, so to speak.
I was so caught up in the fact that I could do it alone, I didn’t need anyone to help me. I thrived on that fact. So when I finally brought my son home and my grandparents were trying to help me out, I was actually defensive. I let them help, but I felt so inadequate when I accepted the help…and that inadequacy turned into feeling like my grandparents thought I wasn’t handling motherhood well, which made me think they thought I was a bad mother. Bad, bad train of thought to go down. It hurt for a long time.
I’m older now, my son is older now, I actually get to sleep now, and I understand now that my grandparents only wanted to help me out. They weren’t trying to send me secret codes to tell me what a horrible mother I was. But at the time, thats how it felt. I’ve learned now that when people offer to help, its not because they think you’re doing a bad job, its because they genuinely want to help (or in my grandparents cases, they want one on one time with my little guy and they want to help). I’ve learned to let go of those feelings and never let them consume me again. But it was a hard lesson to learn.
This was a great post, I really enjoyed reading it.
Wow. Thank you for sharing your story, Katie. I can see how you might feel like you had to do it all yourself. And can I say you did an amazing job?
We live with my mother-in-law and before the baby came I was a little frustrated with all that that entails (and we have a good relationship). But now that the baby is here, I find her help to be invaluable. There are nights when as parents, my husband and I both need a break, and she’s there to step in without hesitation. It’s teaching me how much of a village it really does take to raise a child and I’m thankful to have her support.
Isn’t that type of “I don’t even have to ask” help invaluable? It really truly is.
You said a MOUTH full on this one! I needed this today. My name is Kanesha Morrison and I need help, ( yes this is a moment of rehab. I just completed the first step to a successful recovery!)
Yes, admitting you have a problem is the first step!
I love this post! Yes, it is okay to ask for help. I get so tired and worn out trying to be supermom, I forget that there are people out there willing to help. I use to think that when I asked for help, people would think I was inadequate in my role as a mother and wife.
I think feeling inadequate is a common fear. I used to keep quiet about how much my parents help me out because I thought people would judge me or feel like I was shirking my responsibilities as a parent. But i’m past that now and I know my parents honestly just want to help me, and why not have a strong village to help you raise your child?
This: “There is no prize for doing everything all the time by yourself. There is no lifetime supply of extra-fudgy brownies for the mom who endures the most exhaustion, who sacrifices her “me time” over and over again to the point where she can’t even recognize herself or what she likes to do.”
And this: “Nobody wins when you try to be Supermom. Not even your kids.”
Amen and AMEN!!!! You already know how I feel about you, you are SUCH a gifted writer. This article was SO on point. I’ve been there; struggled on my own, trying to be a Martyr, and no one wins. I’m cranky, Aiden’s cranky, and it’s just not good. It makes you so much more effective when you have help and have a little time to THINK. I’m actually working on a post like that right now (great minds really DO think alike!)
xoxo
Tara,
All I can say is I’m glad you’re walking in your purpose! This post is sooo on time. My sons father wants to marry me but bc I refuse to “constantly repeat myself” bc I already have 2 sons and am not interested “making things twice as hard for you, because not only are you doing it yourself, but you’re resentful because you feel you shouldn’t have to.” Are you saying the majority of men act this way and there are no perfect guys that really pull their weight when it comes to domestic responsibilities? Lol…hot dog I guess I should stop tripping and say “I do.”
Tara continue to let God use you! The gift is helping a whole lot of mommas.
I won’t say the majority of men act that way, but a good chunk of ’em do. If you get your needs met the majority of the time (especially when you make a specific request), then I’d say you have a keeper!
This is awesome!!! I used to be prideful as well, and have come to realize with time that I’m happier (which means EVERYone is happier) when I accept support and help. And yes, so important for me to ask DH for help directly… passive aggressiveness doesn’t work with him, cuz he simply does not “get” my sighs, eye rolls, or dirty looks thrown his way. Definitely much better to be honest about what I need from him.
Loved this! I Stumbled it.
@Yakini – My husband doesn’t pick up on subtle hints either. We’ll put the kids to bed and then come back downstairs to a big ol’ mess. He’ll make a beeline to the couch. I want to kick him at this point. I used to just start cleaning (it’s hard for me to relax with crap on the floor) and say things like, “Whew! The kids sure made a big mess today, huh? Gonna take me at least an hour to clean this up.” And he’d say, “Oh, I’ll get to it.” But then he would get wrapped up in the game or something and I’d end up finishing it. Men kill me sometimes.
if its any consolation you are on the right track. my husband just wants me to ask, so i’ve mastered the art of asking. after all when he wants me to do something he asks me its not like what i’m asking is anymore important than what he’s asking…so through constant communication, we both have gotten better at this.
I’m new here and i liked this post. lost my first comment, but this was the gist of it.