Dear Ayanna,
There is a line in the movie, Riding in Cars With Boys, that gives me chills every time I hear it. In the movie, a young teen mom is sitting with her best friend, questioning whether she actually loves her son, or if she just loves him because she’s supposed to. Her friend tells her, “I think that sometimes we love people so much that we have to be numb to it. Because if we actually felt how much we loved them, it would kill us.”
If I stop and think about how much I love you and your brother, my heart feels swollen and I literally can’t breathe. You mean everything to me. Everything in my life. Everything is dedicated to you. Every single day of my life, I live it for you.
I’m thinking about the past five years and how this journey has changed me. Little girl, you will forever have a special place in my heart because you made me a mommy. I consider myself a pretty good writer and yet I can never sufficiently put the words in the right place to explain how I feel about you. I’m trying, but it will take a lifetime to get it right.
When I had you at 20, I was so scared. I just wanted to cry because there was no way on God’s green earth that I was ready for you. None at all. Even while I was in labor, I was still kind of hoping that I’d get more time.
A 48-hour labor? Bring it on. I needed more time. More than anything I wanted more time.
But then here you came. You were beautiful. You are beautiful. Every day I’m in awe when I look at you. You and your brother are my life’s greatest work. There will never be anything that I do that tops the moment I laid my eyes upon you and your brother for the first time. You are a masterpiece, baby girl. A masterpiece. You are the reason I know there is a God.
And so here we are. Five years later. It’s a milestone birthday to be sure. I can’t believe we made it. I can’t believe you are such a…beautiful sight to behold.
When I saw that pregnancy test result, everything felt so, so wrong. But now everything is so, so, so right.
Right now, you’re on the cusp of a new stage. One where you don’t need me as much, you hang out with friends more and the world just seems a little bigger than the space you occupy on my lap. But you still have your moments where I could just inhale you and live in your words forever. You say to me in your cute almost five-year-old way, “Mommy, I love you. And I will never end loving you.”
Same goes for you, baby. I will never end loving you.
This is so sweet.. now I am crying =( Just the thought of my little boy not needing me so much any more breaks my heart. He turned one, just started walking, and I cry through the laughter every time I am alone and think about him doing all these things by himself. I guess it is a fact of life, but it kind of hurts lol.. your daughter will love this letter forever! <3
*wipestearsfromkeyboard* Happy almost birthday to you, Ayanna! You and Thomas are two very lucky kids to have the mommy (and daddy) that you do! When you’re older, read this letter over and over again…to always be reminded of the place you’ll always call home: your mommy’s heart.
Aww what a sweet letter to your baby girl. Happy Birthday to Ayanna!
Your daughter is so very blessed to have a mother like you..Happy Birthday to you both!
MELT! I love this. Every bit of it. Isn’t it so crazy that we can never find the “right” words to say how much we love our children?! I felt the same way when I wrote Aiden’s birthday post. It’s just… ineffable.
And btw, that picture? PRICELESS!
Mixed emotion you can feel when your little girl turn into a lady soon. You don’t know what to do because you have a fear instead of trust her. There are circumstances that involved jealous. Mostly, children run into it because they want freedom.