Yesterday in class, I huddled up with two of my classmates to discuss our upcoming presentation. One of them is my age, and she’s looking to start a family soon. She’s been married for a few years and now they’re actively trying to get pregnant. Still, she’s concerned about what’s going to happen with school if she has a kid now.
The other group member, who’s a little older, warned against it. “Finish school first,” she said. “It’s too hard to study and watch a newborn.”
I, of course, had to chime in. “Well, it’s hard, but it’s not impossible,” I told her. “I had my first in undergrad, and I have two now. It’s hard but somehow…you make it work.”
She just kind of looked at both of us, like she didn’t know what to think.
And really, I was wondering what advice I was giving her. Going to school while you have a kid is a lot of work. Last semester I almost quit everything from the stress. Every damn week there was a major project due. My daughter’s school is big on parent involvement and I found myself putting in 10+ hours of work each week on various events/field trips. And I still had my son home with me all day, so his development was on my mind as well.
It is a struggle. No question about it.
I sometimes wish I had either waited to go back to school or had gone before I had kids, but that doesn’t make any sense. Financially, the time was right for me to go now. I’m pushing through because I know it’s going to make my life better in the future. So, kids or no kids, I’m making things happen.
I’m not typically a big fan of people pushing off motherhood for a more perfect time, probably because I’m mom to two “surprise!” babies. At the time, I struggled with what the upheaval in my life would look like and how I would cope. But now, five years later, I am extremely happy. Extremely. I do distinctly remember life before my children, but somehow it seems like all my memories of that are in black and white, while my current reality is in color. It’s kind of like life before the iPod. Yes, it was pretty cool walking around with your Sony Discman, but then you got your iPod and it was a wrap. Motherhood is kind of like that.
Was life easier before kids? Yup. I had a ton more energy. But when my daughter draws a picture of me in art class because she missed me, or when my son says he loves me “thousands,” well, somehow I don’t mind being sleep deprived as much.
I guess my advice to her is to not let the idea of having kids keep you from doing what you want to do. You could be a doctor, or a lawyer, or a entrepreneur. Motherhood is not the end.
What advice would you have given my classmate?
I probably would have said the same thing! I am with you, though, it is rough and DEF not for the faint of heart. I mean.. you have to REALLY want to finish school to get through it sometimes. I hate leaving my kids at home while I run off to class, sometimes for the entire day. By the time I get home it’s sometimes time for me to cook and get them ready for bed, so I really don’t get to spend much time with them at all. On days like that, the only thing that keeps me going to school is the fact that they can have a better life if I ever finish (this summer). That and I’m so close that if I don’t finish I will never forgive myself, and they don’t need a mommy who can’t even respect herself.
Whatever you decide, you have to go for it with all your heart. Your kids will know if you’re putting them off for something you don’t believe in.
If one actually has the choice to have a kid or not (and I’m not talking about abortion or not; I’m talking about deliberately conceiving or not), it seems to me that one has to want kids so much that one can’t stand not to have them. Because they DO take over your life! That being said, yes, it was really really hard when our four kids were little, but I’m so glad we had them!
It depends on who I am talking to. I waited and definitely made what I believe was the right choice. But now that I am older, I do feel soooooooooo tired at times. Most of my friends kids are old enough to babysit mine. I don’t buy into the hype that there is a right age. I am trying to decide when to get a PhD, now or later. It’s like double dutch, I will just jump in when I am ready.
Well said and well done, Tara. I would have told her the EXACT same thing. Is motherhood difficult? Heck yeah, no doubt about it. Is it absolutely tough to be a student AND be a mother AND do other things as well? Heck yeah, no doubt about it. But is absolutely worth it? Heck yeah! I’d go as far to say that it’s dope… to the third power!!!
I’m 22 right now and with my upbringing I’ve gotten this all the time about I should wait to have children. I’m not saying that I’m partaking in the act but I’m pro children. My mother wasn’t a citizen when she came to this country and had my brother, sister and I before the age of 25 and she as of today holds “4” Degrees. She had to work for hers. Your doing the samething, i’m proud of you girl! lol. Your classmate can have a child. Children shouldn’t stop the process. I believe they encourage it. You basically work to show your children that if they want something go for it because even under the circumstances of having two children, you doing well for yourself.
It definitely is not the end, but it demands a lot more organization and time management. I realized once I had my daughter, I didn’t have a whole lot of time anymore just to do whatever I wanted to do. I definitely think I choose projects more selectively because it will be one more activity taking away time from her. As challenging as it is, I’m happy that I did not wait until every part of my life was “perfect” until I had her. Also, it depends on what kind of support system the person has in place.
There is always reasons why waiting to have a baby makes sense. Especially for education and career focused women. It’s so easy to let things fall to the wayside when your caring for an infant and since higher education has become so accessible, planning to go back to school “in a few years” is a really attractive option when you feel overwhelmed.
A college degree, for me, was definately not an option, so even as a teen mom I fought my way through it. So much so, in fact, that when I had a third child in I felt like it was the PERFECT time to get my Master’s.
I would say there never a perfect time. but fortunately women have this beautiful gift called intuition. If your mind and body are screaming I WANT A BABY NOW… now may be the best time.
Trudi
I probably would have said something similar to what you said. My son was planned, but sometimes I wish I had him earlier. I am also in school now, but thankfully he is already in elementary school (vs. kindergarten or younger). I would definitely emphasize to her that having children while attending school is a CHALLENGE and that she has to ensure she has a strong support system (and LOTS of determination) to handle all the challenges that life will bring so she will succeed.
I probably would have even told her that if she needs to take time off from school to get herself situated (like I did), do it. But GO BACK and FINISH.
Being successful at parenting and earning a degree simultaneously can be very fulfilling. I can’t wait to say in Summer 2012 “I DID IT!!!!”
If you wait for the “right” time to have kids, then you’ll never have them. Having kids is not easy at all. You could be working, in school. Regardless of where you are it’s going to be a challenge. But the challenge is so worth it when you see what you and S.O. have created. Then you couldn’t imagine your life without your bundle of joy.
It’s worth it…but it is hard. Some days I tell myself that I should have waited to have my daughter, then I realize that there would have undoubtedly been something else to hold my attention and deter me from having a child. Any way you look at it, there is always going to be something. The time is never perfect. You just have to find what’s right for you.
I being a young mom, and having to go to school, feel like most. Having kids at any age has its challenges. I was young with two, 17 months apart, but I went on to finish. It is not impossible, just a little more adventurous.