Wiser

Hard to believe I had my meltdown a week ago. I read that post now and while I definitely still feel like I need to make some changes, I know that this time it’s going to stick.

I’m going to start prioritizing my health and happiness and not worry about feeling guilty.

I’m going to start making sure I get my alone time in, because I’ve discovered I’m a happier person when I have that space to just..breathe.

I have plans to go out three nights this week. Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. While it won’t become habit (after all, I am my own boss and after the kids go to sleep are prime working hours), it felt good to know that I could do it.

My husband has been very understanding while I try to get on the road to a happier me. He watches the children, feeds them, gets them ready for bed and I come home to a quiet and clean house.

I’ve been asking myself why I didn’t ask for his help a long time ago, instead of trying to do everything myself and ending up here, even in the middle of my self-care challenge?

I realized it was because I thought my requests were too heavy. Like if my husband really knew how much everything was overwhelming me, he would look at me differently. Like I wasn’t the confident, holds-it-all-together woman that I aspire to be. I want him to be proud of me and to say to himself, “My wife is amazing – look at all she manages to do – and she looks hot doing it!”

But that didn’t happen because while I trying to do all of that by myself I turned into a mean lil’ something. Angry for no reason. Cranky and tired no matter how many hours of sleep I got.

I feel so much wiser now. I don’t have anything to prove to any one. Asking for help doesn’t make me weak. Asking for help doesn’t make me weak.

I’ll say it one more time: Asking for help doesn’t make me weak. 

I finally, finally got that through my head, even though I’ve been speaking it for years. I would gladly accept help when it was offered, but asking for it? Going out of my way to ask someone to do something for me, something I may not be able to repay them for? It shook me. I couldn’t do it. And now I realize it has a lot to do with my feelings of unworthiness.

Now it’s a bit easier. I can say to my husband, “Please watch the kids while I go lay down.” I can say to my kids, “Mommy needs a little break; I’ll be back in a little while.” I can say to my sister, “Can you please watch the kids while I go study/do an interview/write?”

All of this makes me a better woman. And that’s all I want.

Let’s talk about asking for help versus accepting help. Are you better at one or the other? Which one?