A couple months ago, I got into a heated debate on Twitter with someone who took offense to my post about spicing up your sex life.
“You’re a bunch of sluts,” was his basic response. “You’ve already made a huge mistake (by having kids), why would you keep having sex? Shame on you for encouraging young mothers to be promiscuous.”
Now you can imagine how high my blood pressure went as I went back and forth with this guy for the better part of an hour. It riled me up so much because I had fallen prey to that line of thinking for a long time.
After my first unplanned pregnancy, I was ashamed of my sexuality. Having a baby at an early age and then having people and society respond not so positively to the pregnancy? Makes you feel like a bad person. Like you are dirty or promiscuous.
As a result, I hid my sexuality from everyone. Including myself. Including my boyfriend (now husband).
I couldn’t have sex with the lights on. Didn’t like initiating sex. Couldn’t be a “seductress.” Found myself trying to wear “mom clothes” because moms aren’t allowed to dress sexy, right? I bought some four-and-a-half inch heels and miniskirts and have never ever worn them because then I felt like my sexuality was on display and that made me uncomfortable.
Only recently have I come to terms with my sexuality and the fact that it even exists (yes, two kids later). At 26, I am much more confident about what I like and don’t like and I’m doing better at communicating it.
So I went in on this guy on Twitter because it isn’t fair to condemn us to a lifetime of celibacy because we had children young. We have sexual desires. We are also great (young) mothers. Those two things are not mutually exclusive.
What do you all think? Should young moms be more careful about their sexuality than any other age group?
I think any women needs to be smart about her sex life, but it doesn’t mean she should not have sex. But I learn most men (not all) have issue with young mothers. I had a disagree, because his idea is that we have sex to have kids to get into a mans wallets. Basically using our kids as a form of a paycheck. If this guy got his idea from a post, he doesn’t want to understand.
Loved this one Tara. And I have to admit, I still have trouble in the S-E-X department. Obviously, my three kids would say otherwise, but I still have this huge hang-up about sex since I got “caught” having premarital sex by getting pregnant. I feel like I still associate sex with all the guilty feelings and shame I felt by getting pregnant before I was married…it’s hard to overcome the feeling that sex is wrong..
@Tiny Blue Lines – Yup, I completely understand. I just felt like everyone knew my business and I wanted to shut that off. Some of the looks and comments I got while pregnant…yeah, they stung. ‘Cause I don’t think my hang-ups were this bad before I had kids…
I think everyone who would have difficulty raising children should be careful. I think everyone for health reasons should be careful. It’s not just YOUNG people… sex can’t be taken lightly at any age.
@Aisha – That was my argument. I feel like, if you can’t afford kids (financially, mentally, emotionally) then you need to be extra careful having sex and preferably get on a long-term birth control method. But age has nothing to do with it.
There is nothing wrong with owning and projecting (tastefully, when around anyone who isn’t your sex partner *and* you’re both in a private location) your sexuality. So long as you’re smart, responsible, and enjoying what you’re doing, go for it. People have sex.
Being in a woman’s role & naturally have curves to seduce, we should be very careful. Personally, I don’t think becoming a mom at 21 is too young. I became one at 21 as well & now 23 and I am very independent & have support from my fiancee as I continue to pursue my degree & work full time. I too being a Christian girl felt embarrassed to have a child out of wedlock but God plans this life I just live it. Every woman should be careful of how we expose ourselves but that doesn’t mean any age group is different from the other. Older women are role models for younger women so what’s the big deal
I became a mother at 18… Yes I was alil embaressed for being young but I love my son more than anything or anyone…. Me n his dad are still together… I get dirty looks alot because im young and also because my fiance is 12yrs older than me…. We just look at those people and smile because were happy… For about a year I kept everything to myself because I felt disgusting… When people would make comments about me and my lil family it was hard not to just break down but I finally got over it… If everyone wants sex to be an unspoken subject then maybe they shouldnt be glamorizing it but everyone has sex…
Wow. I can’t believe someone was arguing with you about the subject matter. Honestly, I feel like more of a woman and more able to share my bed more freely with my husband after my kids. I mean shouldn’t you be like that with your husband anyways? Who else would you be like that with. Our spouses want us to be sexy and confident…well at least mine does. I mean isn’t sex one of the basic needs to life (according to some, myself included). Enjoying your spouse is natural and makes for a healthy relationship. I mean everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and having a different opinion doesn’t make you wrong or right. What really matters is that it needs to work with your relationship, between you and your husband. Whatever you two believe is healthy to preserve you marriage, is between you two. I, myself, don’t see how a marriage can survive without being comfortable with one another in the bedroom. Because lets be honest sex means a lot to men and even a lot of women.
Hi Tara!
I guess I’m still a young mom! I’m 27, with three little ones under age 4, and I personally am not ashamed to be sexual….my husband, who is self employed, announces if he’s going home for “lunch” so its kind of on display. For someone to make a comment like that is rediculous and hardly encouraging young women to have sex. Personally, everyone should know I”m doing it since I have three kids….and my 5 inch heels tell the world that my husband has no complaints. I say, esp if you’re married, be yourself and be excited about it….after all, thats what life’s about.