When A Friend Parents Your Child (And You Don’t Like It)

by Sarah Tierney

Here’s something we can all agree on: parenting is tough. From the moment we see the two red lines on that pregnancy test until our child[ren]’s adulthood (maybe), we reserve the right to parent as we choose. So what happens when a friend or even family get involved with the discipline of our children?

I’m not talking about being away or leaving your children with a babysitter. I’m talking about your toddler throwing her food on the ground in a fit and just as your about to address their behavior, your friend steps in. “Do you want to go to your bedroom?” a girlfriend of mine says to my daughter while she’s having a fit at the dinner table. If you saw the dumbstruck look on my face, you would have laughed. But guess what huge mistake I kept making over and over that night: I didn’t say anything about it.

When it first happens you ignore it, hoping they’d catch on that you’re trying to parent and anything they say is just more disruptive. But she didn’t get it. And she kept trying to punish her. “Alexis, do you want to go to bed early?” “Alexis, you need to pick that up or no dessert” and so on…

When it started getting out of hand, I thought maybe I shouldn’t have my friend over while the kids were around. It worked for a while until my friend realized she never saw me anymore. So over a friendly, childless dinner at Applebees, the conversation came up. And with one big breath I made my confession.

“It’s hard when Alexis starts acting up when you’re around because I try to handle her behavior and you sort of get involved.” I’m not breathing at this point. I’m praying she doesn’t take it personally.

“Oh my god! I’m so sorry.” Phew. I continue to elaborate how it affects my daughter directly when someone that’s not her parent or teacher discipline her. And to be quite honest, it was also a punch to my pride and made me feel I was incapable with my parenting abilities. But it was over and the negative feelings and resentment melted away.

So the main point of this story? Always address the issue with the person who’s parenting your child right away. You’ll be sadly disappointed if you expect them to stop on their own. Odds are they don’t even know they’re doing it or may just care about your child too much. It’s perferable to confront the person while they’re in mid-rant. A simple “Hey So-So, can you give Billy and I a moment while I try to settle him down?” or “I’ve got this handled, thank you.” And if that doesn’t work, you’ll need to tell them straight up. If you absolutely can’t do it in person, a nice text message can do but be aware it can be taken the wrong way. Then if confrontation, rejection, text messages, voice mails don’t work, put them on your must-have-a-babysitter-to-hang-out list or bump them down to being acquantiences.

Sarah is a 21-year-old single mother of a three- and two- year-old. Between working full time and raising two kids, she enjoys spending down time with reading and blogging.

 Have your own parenting story, questions, comments, or advice to add? Leave in the comments below!