I don’t know if it’s the warmer weather or what, but I can’t walk three feet out my house without someone having something to say about my age combined with the fact that I’m a mom. My daughter was asked by another mom if I was her sister, a man at the mall wanted to know how old I was and if I knew where babies came from (side note: really??) and if I leave the house without my wedding ring on, OH LORD HELP ME.
So today I wanted to run through some of the phrases that always make me cringe and the ones that I wish someone (anyone!) would think to say to a young mother. Add your own in the comments:
1) “Wow, you look so young! How old are you? 12?” Yes, because OBVIOUSLY I got knocked up when I was 7. And if that was indeed the case, we all know seven-year-olds can’t consent to sex so you should be covering me in prayer versus covering me in shame. Beyond that, the “Are you 12?” comments bug me so much because it effectively means “You look like a teenager” = “Teenagers don’t know anything” = “You don’t know anything.” So many people tell me to simply be grateful I look younger than my age, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with looking 26. Or 40, when I get there. Or 50. I want respect and that’s hard to get when people are mistaking you for a preteen.
2) “Are those your kids?” *pause* “Both of them?” This kind of goes along with #1. A young mother having two or more kids is a bit much for some people to take. One kid boggles their mind, whereas two or more makes them effectively stupid.
3) “Where’s your baby daddy?” Grrr. Have we talked on here about how much I hate the term “baby daddy”? There isn’t another term that works my nerves as much. But my real problem with this question that people assume I’m a) not married or b) not in a relationship with my child’s father. In some cases, people might be using “baby daddy” as a catch-all, in the same vein as “child’s father.” But not usually.
4) “How do you support them?” Why, oh, why do I inevitably get into conversations with people about how much I make? I don’t go around inquiring about the status of older mothers’ 401Ks, so I don’t understand how this is an appropriate question.
5) “Wow, how old were you when you had them?” *pause* “Oh.” It’s that “Oh” that gets me. On the rare occasion that I reveal how old I am, 80% of the time whoever I’m talking to makes a face like they just sucked on a lemon. They might be trying to hide it, but they are not very good at concealing their inner feelings. And really? 20 isn’t even that young.
And here are three that I would LOVE to hear.
1) “Your kids are adorable.” What mom doesn’t like hearing that her kids are cutie pies?
2) “You look so young! What’s your skin secret?” See, there we go! A way to compliment a young mom on her appearance without being all condescending.
3) “Maybe we should hang out sometime.” I’ve written about my seeming inability to make new mom friends. I have my guard up so often because I can never really tell where the next negative remark is coming from. And it’s hard for me to gauge whether I’ve successfully bonded with another mom. I’m sitting there wondering, Is this woman really nice or is she just nice compared to all the other rude people I’ve encountered today? Letting a young mom know you’d like to grab coffee or lunch sometime makes a world of difference.
And let the young mommies say… AMEN!!!
I thought that I was kinda pathetic for secretely wanting a young mom as a friend as well but now I don’t feel like its a bad thing. My old friends are living different lives and I’m not the same person. I basically don’t really have any friends and finding another young mom I can relate to personally would be great. So yeah #3 on that list would really make me happy to hear. But I’m on the defense as well. All the time lol.
I LOATHE the term “baby daddy”. It’s such a derogatory statement in my opinion. But me, I have not one problem correcting them by saying, “You mean, where’s the father of your children?”
But in most cases, I don’t answer many questions. LOL.
Im not a young mom..well at least no longer in my twenties..but I get “are they ALL yours all the time ..” or at least I used to..Also on the opposite end of the spectrum, if you no longer look twenty something yet have young children..people assume they cannot be yours.
This is why I love your blog! So many times you say exactly what I’m thinking…and these are all comments I am so tired of hearing!!
True feminism means giving women a choice and I’m tired of the attitude of surprise because we don’t react to our freedom as the male ruling class of the past did. We’re not letting down the women who fought for our rights by having children before establishing our careers. We’re exercising our right to choose! And many of us are, in fact, continuing the fight by demanding the right to have careers AND children, as we successfully demonstrate our ability to do so, by working with kids, working from home, or, as in my case, starting our own business that happily incorporates family and career.
And as for the ‘baby daddy’ question, I could rant for hours about that, but I won’t bore you!!
Keep gently educating the inappropriate questioners, as ‘unusual’ families are become much more usual!
ahhh I love this list! smiling and nodding the entire time I read it! 😀 completely agree!