A little while ago, I had a conversation with one of my oldest friends, who had just returned from spending a few years abroad. She’s very restless and likes to travel and heading to a foreign country where she doesn’t speak the language didn’t seem to faze her while making out her life plans. I admire her for her gustiness, but it’s just not me. I’m a homebody.
So we’re talking and she’s telling me about how she’s itching to go out and party, something she hasn’t done since getting back. How she had such a fantastic time overseas and found friends who took her clubbing. “I feel like I’m living the life I should have been living in my early 20s,” she says. Ouch. We spent our early 20s together, me adjusting to life as a mother of two and her as my somewhat reliable sounding board and sometimes babysitter.
In that moment, I felt so boring I wanted to hide. Is that why the invitations to go out stopped coming? Did I get too consumed with motherhood that I forgot to have fun?
As I look back, I still don’t see many pockets of time where I could have been living it up every night. One of the times I did push myself and try to go bar hopping post-baby, my boobs got engorged an hour into it and I was too uncomfortable to have any fun. For the most part, I’m a quiet gal. Give me some good food, a great comedy or a page-turner and I’m good for the night.
My friend did try to backtrack with her statements a bit after I asked her if she thought I was boring. “You’re my entrepreneurial friend,” she insisted. “You keep me inspired.”
While that’s great and all, I don’t want to be the “friend” everyone keeps around in case they need me to do their taxes or help them create a budget. I vaguely remember actually getting dressed up for girls’ night out and having fun, even if we were just going to Applebee’s and a movie.
So the truth is, I’m lonely (and apparently I’m not the only one).
I don’t have many friends.
There you have it.
I spend the vast majority of my time with my kids. And when you spend 90% of your waking hours with little people under the age of 6, you tend to do stupid things like singing the Wonder Pets song whenever someone calls you (“The phone, the phone is ringing!”). I have no co-workers so it’s up to me to get out of the house and find some conversation. Why is that so hard? Don’t they have Girl Scouts for adults? Or like Mommy and Me but just….Mommy?
I don’t even know how to make a new friend since I’ve been clinging onto my old high school relationships for so long. But I think it’s apparent I need to look forward and find some new buddies.
This is an amazing article. I love the honesty and the courage it took to actually write this article. This is truly the life of so many mothers out there. I think that most are just afraid to enjoy themselves a little too much because it feels or may even seem as if you’re neglecting your children. That’s not the case I truly believe in enjoying my “me” time. Just because you have children doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy your life. Great read.
You have a friend in me, Tara! I know I live clear across the country, and we’ve never even spoken on the phone, much less met in person…but I do consider you a friend. Truly. I’ve been dying to talk to you in real life, anyway…so let’s make it happen! With Factime, Skype, and good old fashion phone calls, you need not ever feel lonely when you got me! LOL I know it’s not the same as having someone to hang out with, but it helps all the same. Hugs!
I’m so in the same boat. However, in my defense I’ve tried to reach out to some of my other mommy friends to schedule things but it seems we’ve just grown apart. I’ve started reaching out to local mom bloggers and have joined a playgroup via Meetup.com. It gets me out of the house and the kids get company their own age while I get adult conversation and new friends.
I’m also becoming more of a telephone person. I’m learning that while a text message is good, a phone call to see how my besties are doing is even better! Skype and Hangout on Google+ are great to help us stay in contact with friends and have those girls’ nights too. Here’s to hoping we both rediscover the magic of friendships!
Yes, its SOOO hard to make friends as a young mom. Try http://www.meetup.com for a local moms group. I found a great one where I live and they’re all so understanding about being a mom and all the things that come with it. We go out for drinks, book clubs, movies, etc and it doesn’t feel so lonely for me anymore.
Wow… uh, that hurt.
I agree with you though Ms. Jones. I feel guilty when I actually get time away from my son, even though it’s SUPER rare since I am single mother! If I go out to see a movie, out to eat, or something like that, I feel neglectful or like I’m trying to live the life I had before I had my son. If I spend some money on something for me, I feel guilty because that money could go towards a bill or getting my lil man something new (although he really doesn’t need anything else for a LONG time!)
Though it was awkward, when I was laying in the hospital, I kept listening to all of the nurses joke around with one another, catching up on their weekend trips, what they did on vacation, funny things their kids did/said and I got jealous. I truly miss working. Not only because it gives me a since of purpose and pays bills, but because of the conversation! All day long the only person I actually talk to is my 4 year old. I think it may have benefited him greatly, because his vocabulary is amazing, but for me, I need more. I can’t gossip to him about the new guy I may be interested in, I can’t compare the various behaviors he exhibits and how crazy it drives me or maybe get ideas on how to deal with it.
I bought me a few new pretty dresses recently, and I have some nice outfits already, but I never go out to wear them, so I dropped to the new low of playing dress up, sometimes taking pics of myself. I might walk around the house in the outfit for a little while at times, but that’s about it. I’d LOVE to make a bi-weekly or even if we could only sneak in a once a month girls/mommy’s night out. Dinner, the movies, karaoke, pedicures, massages…maybe picking something new every month that we can plan and get excited about.
But just like anything else involving another person, IT TAKES TWO. The other person has to be just as dedicated to sticking to it, getting excited about it, and truly want to do it. With any kind of long term relationship, you need to keep it fresh. Couples who have been together for years, often do things to keep things fresh and re-ignite things in their relationship… why should friendships be any different? I mentioned something as simple as incorporating hugs. May sound silly, but it feels so good to hug your best friend. Not those fake lil one arm hugs either…but a real embrace. Again, it takes the commitment from both parties, because if one person slacks off, because eventually the other will feel like it’s not that big of a deal to you and stop trying as well. You shouldn’t have to chase & grab that person up to hug them; you shouldn’t be the only one initiating hanging/going with them. If one friend wants to see a sappy love movie and you prefer comedy, compromise. If one doesn’t really a certain restaurant, find SOMETHING on the menu this time and hit up your favorite joint next time. Sometimes people make things too complicated!
That’s just my two cents… times fifty, LOL
Oh, Tara. I know exactly how you feel. I think that the way I was raised is the reason why I don’t really have a lot of friends or hang out. I grew up in the military and as a result, I learned that after you move, your friend’s don’t really keep up with you after a while. The only people who were consistently there was my family, which is why I am so close to them and I consider my sister to be my best friend. So now that I am an adult and a military wife, I don’t get as involved in my friendships because I think my heart is sparing me from losing another friend whenever we have to move again. Now, I do have friends (exactly 10) but I don’t live in the same state with 9 of them. So the sad truth is that I have gotten used to being alone. What’s even sadder is that I actually like being alone most of the time. I have gone out and join various clubs and attended social events and met people but of all the events I’ve been to, I’ve met one person who I hang with (she’s the one I live in the same state with AND we met through my daughter’s preschool class). I’ve decided that I’m going to be ok with it. When I run out of friends (my in-state friend is moving in October), I can hang with myself until another friend comes along. In the meantime for me, I will be dancing to my new favorite song, courtesy of family movie night at my house:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WpE8CdH6fdE
Great article, Tara!
@Cymonne – That song is hilarious! Love it!! LOL.
I think my problem is I’m comparing myself to my husband, who still talks to his friends from elementary school. I think male friendships are a bit different, perhaps. But still, they don’t fuss at each other for not calling or who said what to who, etc. They’re just friends. And I like that. I think I watched a bit too much Sex and the City or something – maybe my expectations are off. LOL
You are definitely not alone. I wish we lived closer, Tara, because we would totally be hanging out LOL… I feel so isolated most times too, which sucks because I am such an extrovert. I have friends at school but I’m definitely not living carefree like they are so it’s different – we don’t really hang out outside of school lol. And my girls from college will always be my bffs, but motherhood has undoubtedly made me less accessible and less relatable most times. :sigh: Thank goodness for my blogger boos! :hugs:
You are not alone Tara. Just know that we have to make sure we are not making ourselves uncomfortable by trying to make someone else comfortable.
I feel you on this one. I watch my coworkers and friends hit clubs and parties while i do overtime and go home to a very much awake child who demands my attention. I haven’t hung out with my friends in so long that i feel like i dont even know them anymore. just the other night my bff of the last 6 years texted me and said she felt like i haven’t been there for her at all. that hurt me so bad and i told heri was determine to change her feelings. i miss my friends and im gonna get them bck
Great article! When I quit my job in Feb 2011, I was lonely for a bit. I have been blessed in the last 18 months to fine some great mommy friends. I joined a MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers group), and gotten linked up with some mommy friends and we do a bookclub (without the kids!) and also just recently joined another playgroup through meetup.com. It has definitely helped make the days fly by. I also am a WAHM (and fitness instructor), so not many co-workers. I am the ONLY one married of my girlfriends from high school and college, so I definitely feel different from them. I like to go out, but on my terms. I don’t like to be out too late, and would prefer a nice dinner party with some close friends. It is nice to find mommy friends to do life with. They may not all be your bff, but you will discover at least 1 who will be closer than the others and you can do mommy stuff with and non mommy stuff with (girlfriend dinner, pedicures, etc). Good luck to you on your search. Pray that God show you how to be a great friend and how to bless others and you will meet some great people.
I know exactly how you feel, and I was just writing (in my head) my future blogpost on the same subject. I have a growing number of mommy friends, but they all live in different cities and states, so I connect with them via internet but it’s definitely not the same as face-to-face interaction. Thanks for this post.
I think you must need to give time for yourself to relax and unwind. Even if you are a mother already, you still need to have fun ones in a while. In that way, you can still enjoy the life that you have. You need some break.
In order to enjoy our responsibilities us a mother, we must need to relax and refresh our body and mind. It is very important to give time for us to break for all our responsibilities us a mother so that we can focus again in our works.