The hashtag #IDontSpankMyChild popped up on my Twitter timeline today and I was compelled to write about it because I’ve made up my mind not to spank my children.
I think I was spanked once or twice when I was younger and I guess it worked because I didn’t really get into trouble that much. One time I remember I was spanked because I took $10 out of my mom’s purse without permission. I didn’t spend it or lose it or anything. When my mom asked where it was, I believe I told her I had it and then I handed it over. (Or maybe I lied and said, “I don’t know.” Who knows; I was 11.)
But I remember while I was getting the spanking that I didn’t understand why what I did was so wrong. I didn’t spend it. I just wanted to have some money in my pocket. LOL.
My parents (my dad in particular) were usually real big talkers about consequence and the importance of thinking my decisions through carefully, which I’ll probably attribute my good behavior to versus the occasional spanking they doled out.
My main reason for not spanking my kids is that I’m smarter than my kids. I can communicate better than they can. I don’t even want to feel like I *need* to spank my kids in order for them to listen to what I’m saying. I feel like if I get to that point, I’ve already lost. People tell me there’s a difference between “spanking” your kids and “beating” your kids, but I find that it’s difficult to draw that line, so why go there?
My personal rule (and I understand that it might not be yours) is that I don’t do anything to my kids that I wouldn’t want my husband to do to me or vice versa. I know my husband will tell me something and I don’t listen and he’ll roll his eyes or let out an exaggerated sigh because he’s tired of me not listening. But he’s not about to take off his belt and whoop me because of it. So I don’t set that type of expectation with my kids. No, the marriage relationship isn’t the same as the parent-child relationship, but it’s still based on love and respect.
I used to be pretty bad at discipline (also know that “discipline” is not the same thing as “spanking”) but I’m finding what works for my kids instead. I’m about to list a few below. PLEASE do not tell me to “wait until they’re teenagers!” or “That doesn’t work!” I’m telling you what works for my kids.
Lay out expectations beforehand. If we’re going to the store, I talk all the way there. “When we go in, you will sit in the cart and you will be quiet. I will let you pick out one fruit that we will buy.” They know what I’m expecting of them and they can then act accordingly.
Get them involved. Little kids act out sometimes because they feel like they have no say in anything. That’s why I let the kids pick out groceries sometimes, or I’ll give them two choices of an outfit to wear that day. Or I’ll let them pick out their breakfast. Letting them feel like they have some say in their daily life gives them a chance to improve their decision making skills (“Do I eat a bowl of cereal for breakfast or a pickle?”)
Be consistent. This is where I struggled the most. Now I’m learning that what I say on Monday must be the same thing I say on Tuesday and Wednesday and so on.
Give them personal space. When my kids start having their little meltdowns, they are promptly sent upstairs to their rooms or if we’re out in public, they will separate themselves from where we are. In some circles this is a time-out, but in my household, this is a “You need to get your emotions under control” session. Children are little balls of unregulated emotions (“Me, me, me!” “What about ME?”) and as adults, we tend to forget that and want the kid to be able to shut up quickly and efficiently.
This is about as hard of a line I’ve drawn on any subject on this blog. Where do you fall in the spanking debate?
i know your reasoning is not mine – but you don’t do anything to your children that your husband wont do to you or vice versa seems warped; you are not a child nor is your husband; but your children are not adults and will do childish things.
as a mom/parent you have to know and do what’s best for your children – even the hard things. i got spanked and i spanked but i’d like to think we did it a whole lot differently than my parents did.
@Nylse – I do know and do what’s best for my kids and I have decided that not spanking is the way I’m going to go. I use the reasoning because it is a relationship with someone I love. There is no place for violence in a relationship with my children and that is what spanking is, to me. Even when a child does childish things it doesn’t mean they deserve to be hit for it. I’ve read the studies on children who were spanked and I did not like what I saw. I’ve researched alternatives and found that they work. Even with my upbringing, it was the explanation of consequences and the creative punishments that kept me in line. So yes, I am doing what’s best for my kids and I find it’s harder NOT to spank than it is to reach for belt every time your kid gets out of line.
@ Tara- I completely disagree with you. In bringing up a child, there would come a time when you would have to spank your child not because you don’t love him/her enough but because you want them to turn out right. More than 70% of the poeple you see in prisons today started off on a faulty foundation with no discipline. Remember “Spare the rod and spoil the child”.
@Onyi – “Spare the rod and spoil the child” – Do people know what it REALLY means? It’s talking about the shepherd’s rod and how he used it to GUIDE the sheep, not BEAT the sheep. That stat about the prisons is incorrect. I do not ever see the NEED to hit a child. What kind of message does that send? I’m not trying to get you to convert to my way of parenting, but I want you to understand why I don’t spank. If you want your kid to turn out right, you will learn how to discipline them (which is not synonymous with spanking) without hitting them. It takes more creative energy, yes, but it’s worth it.
Also, the phrase “spare the rod and spoil the child” is often misquoted and said to come from the Bible. It was first written in a poem by Samuel Butler in 1664. Just some more info about that phrase.
I am parent of two boys, both very different in nature. My oldest is 10 y.o and youngest 2 y.o. Both are very different in behavior, attitude and personality. My oldest from age 0-8 y.o. I never had to spank or use in force of the nature, yet my two y.o. who is a little more determined and persistent, I’ve had to take another approach. I remember trying all methods love and logic, 1-2-3 magic, timeout, and when he has his mind set its set. I never thought I would have to spank or “pop” my son but when he began making decision that almost endangered his well-being, I popped him. After this one action, I resolved the behavior. I am a parent that is all for children exploring their enviroment to become familar, but I am also a parent that does not like to repeat myself with children. So, I think depending on the child, depends on the punishment as well as the reward. Everyone is different and as long as there is no abuse, I see nothing wrong with spanking.
clarification – i wasnt implying that you weren’t doing what’s best for your kids – i was just saying that’s part of parenting. sorry if that wasn’t clear,
and then i shared my experience.
I don’t equate spanking to violence; to me its another form of discipline.
I don’t spank in my household. I agree, I am older, wiser, and smarter than my kids. Not only that but I am also bigger. Sometimes, the lessons that are learned while being spanked is not the lesson we intend to teach.
Communication is always key, and laying out expectations. I have never raised a hand to my daughter, and people are always saying how well behaved she is.
I personally would never do anything I wouldn’t want anyone to do to us. If I raise my hand to my child in frustration, that is what that child is going to do among their peers. I personally feel we are the examples our kids are constantly around.
We are the ones that has to lead the way to acceptable behavior.
Great post!
In case you want to do some reading as well, I’ve written about this topic and a book that I read on my blog:
http://www.bloggingwhilenursing.com/2011/08/24/awakening-my-parental-consciousness/
@KalleyC – My biggest gripe with spanking is that it’s not a very clear punishment. If your kid breaks something of yours, do you spank them or do you make them earn the money to buy you a new one? Which carries a bigger lesson? If your kid comes home late after you’ve both agreed on a curfew, do you spank them or do you take their car keys away and make them get 15 minutes of “out of the house time” for each chore they complete? We are so much smarter than our kids and we can get them to obey us without hitting them. Period.
In this example (curfew), its too late for spanking. if a child breaks something, is a spanking warranted? it depends – was it done intentionally or was it an accident…if it’s an accident, no spanking. if intentionally, and depending on the age of the child, then perhaps spank.
spanking can be very clear if you don’t do it when angry and if you explain why you do it. when character is being formed, it’s very effective. btw a shepherd uses his rod to tap and guide the sheep, but not to abuse. and that’s the purpose of spanking – forceful enough to imprint on the child’s mind that you’re doing something yet not brutal enough to damage them.
i started off saying, no spanking also because i didnt like it when it was done to me, but i soon recognized that spanking was effective if done properly; there was no trauma or negativity in the child parent relationship. It works!
@Nylse I used the curfew example because of the whole Creflo Dollar situation. I didn’t talk about it here, but I was angered by everyone saying, “Well, she deserved {whatever happened}.” Even choking and hitting with a shoe (or belt, whatever it was)? That’s why spanking is difficult because where is that line? I just choose to do it differently.
i didnt weigh in on the creflo dollar situation – but i think she pushed his buttons and he crossed that line. parents are people too and he made a huge mistake in how he handled that situation. spanking is not abuse and i think alot of people miss this distinction. the creflo dollar situation is not a justification for spanking, and since i dont know how disciplined was meted out in his household, that’s all i can say.
As I read the post, one thing that everyone must remember is that every child is different as originally stated and different discipline measure must be taken. From my own personal experience, I know that spankings can be ineffective because if I had my mind made up about doing something a spanking was only for a moment. Yet, if my parent made me clean the house, do laundry or lawn work, or took my TV/phone priviledges away. I was ready to have a nervous breakdown. Even with my children, my oldest enjoys housework and if I take away his electronic privledges, he is so creative he will draw or read and enjoy that too. So I have to take another approach, which sometimes is a spanking and it is effective in modifying the behavior. Now, I do not agree with the whole Creflo situation because I don’t agree with any man (regardless if he is her dad) putting his hands on a woman in that manner (i.e. choking, slapping, etc…)
As an individual that works with children and a mother, I can say that not every child needs spanking or that force. The most important thing is that discipline is necessary to provide structure, guidance, and consequence for inappropriate behavior. We as parents must make sure that we give are children an understanding of why we are disciplining them as well as the appropriate behavior or expectation we seek from them. Many times we focus to much on the punishment without ever providing a clear answer of our expectations.
I agree Tara, We are meant to teach them discipline to disciple. not hit, spank or whatever word ppl use to make themselves feel better. If spanking is your go to parenting tool, then i worry because where do you draw the line? plus i’d like to think i’m more creative than that. I have learnt a lot from http://aolff.org/
Tara, I agree completely with you. I was always against spanking because I was raised in a violent home where the term “spare the rod, spoil the child” wasn’t uncommon to hear from my parents. They considered it “discipline” while I knew it was abuse. I ran away from home at 16 to live on my own and got into first alcohol then hard drugs. I met my children’s father when I was 19 and we became best friends because he understood what I went through, being from an abusive home himself. We have two children together and both agree that any form of violence whether it is “spanking” or worse is just wrong. Look where it got us! Sorry about the detail, I generally never talk about these things but I think some people need to realize what kind of damage it really can do. I also read the research and it made total sense. I also agree with you on this: “No, the marriage relationship isn’t the same as the parent-child relationship, but it’s still based on love and respect.”
I choose to spank not beat when necessary unapologetically. With that being said parents have to know their children. There is a time to spank and a time not to. You never want to do it out of anger and emotion. It can be used as a consequence if you have done what Tara advised above clearly communicate expectations and consequences. Communication is important. Children are children and should be disciplined. Spanking is not always the solution sometime time out, taking away privileges or toys will work. You as the parent have to KNOW your child. What works for you may not work for my children. One of which is strong willed so I have to be creative at times. Disciplining our children should be about love, your system must be established in your home. Study your children well.
I spank my,daughter very sparingly. I let her know that if she does somethingthat I’ve asked her not to do and if I have to warn more than three times,I will tap her once or twice on the tush. My mom spanked my brother and I way worse than a tap on the tush but I would never go that far!
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