If you’ve spent a good amount of time online last week, you probably heard a lot of fuss about Anne-Marie Slaughter’s article, “Why Women Still Can’t Have It All.” It’s pretty good, but lengthy. Basically, she says it’s hard for women to balance work and family if they don’t have control over their working hours and if those working hours conflict with the school day. It’s hard for powerful women and it’s hard for the not-so-powerful women.
I was asked to be on a TV show last week to share my thoughts on this as a young mother. Somewhere along the line though, my segment got cut, so here’s my response to all this now.
I used to work at a foundation that really prided itself on how family-friendly it was. When I started, because I had an infant at home, I was able to work part-time, and then shifted to full-time while working Fridays at home due to my long commute. It was a great arrangement.
I was oh-so-grateful that I was able to do what many people my age and older couldn’t do. Being able to work from home one day a week helped negate the fact that I was still spending two hours a day in the car commuting to and from work, time that I would have preferred to spend with my kids.
So when I got laid off, I was shocked but I wasn’t exactly begging to keep my job. If I remember correctly, when my boss told me I no longer had a job with that organization, I smiled. Like, who smiles during their pink slip meeting?
But that gave me the opportunity to make my own way, to do my own thing.
Now that I’m my own boss and I work at home, it’s still a bit challenging to figure out this work-life balance thing. Should I start the day with work or do I do the “Mom” thing first? How do I get my clients to understand that I would really, really, really like to schedule all conference calls from 1-3 p.m., the time I make my kids lay down and rest?
But I’ve come to understand that this is the way it always has been. The struggle to make sure you have a roof over your head and that you have the energy and time to raise happy healthy kids isn’t some new phenomenon. My mom did it in the ’80s, my grandma did it in the ’60s and her mother before her in the ’40s. It is not easy to keep the lights on in the house, smiles on your kids’ faces, and a little piece of confidence about how well you’re handling it all.
I like what one writer said about it, how she said she traded “having it all” for “having what matters.”
Journalist Taiia Young writes:
Honestly, I don’t have the whole work-life balance thing on lock. I crave the day when I’m not totally consumed by edit and production deadline or the challenges of motherhood. I’ve accepted (and made peace) with the notion that attempting to give everyone 100 percent of me is a mission Tom Cruise would find impossible. Maybe others can do it, but I can’t. And that’s my truth. Mine.
Amen. I’m beginning to learn that shoot, everything ain’t urgent. Some things will have to wait until tomorrow. And I will be grateful that I even get a “tomorrow.” I will do my best and then let it go. I have created a career that suits me for right now and I pray that I will be able to adjust and shift as time goes on. But trying to “have it all” results in misunderstanding why we’re here or what we’re doing.
Our children are our legacy. How do you think legacies are created? Hard work and sacrifice. We were never promised that it would be easy, only that it would be worth it. I think about how grueling motherhood is some days for me and I wonder why we weren’t all given a sack of money on our way out of the hospital instead of formula samples—you know, something to make it a little easier on us?
It’s our job to focus on the things that we’ve defined as our life’s priorities:
- Do I get quality time with my children every day, whether it’s enough time to watch a movie or simply go to the park without time constraints?
- Am I making enough money to provide for my family comfortably?
- Do I get to spend quality time with my husband?
- Am I feeling good about myself and my peace of mind?
- Am I being the best wife/mother/sister/friend/daughter I can be?
- Does my head hit the pillow with minimal worries each night?
If I can say yes to most of these, then I feel confident about where my life is. Then I’m not worried about having it all. ‘Cause I already have all that matters to me.
I read the majority of her letter/essay this past weekend (it was so long! sheesh)… Honestly, I am getting to a place in my life where I feel like I am at peace with not being everything to everybody. The tough part is juggling that list of questions you wrote – which all hit the nail on the head – and also taking care of yourself. A huge part of having it all is also making it with your sanity intact, and more often than not, I feel like I am walking a fine line LOL
By far, my favorite thing you have written! Love this so much, and I definitely needed the reminder. I’m already panicking about how to make work with 3 kids doable…umm, do I need to relax already? I think so. Hoping to follow in your footsteps soon!!
My mom always told me once you have children your life is not your own. Despite the warning I continued to believe I could have it all. Now a mom of two I have let go of that belief and learned to put dreams to the side to embrace my new reality. My new dream is to create the oppertunity for my children to fulfill their dreams. I am the biggest cheerleader for you women who can find their own version of “have it all” or “have what matters”.
I read Slaughter’s article and was absolutely thrilled! I hope that her article has given a lot of women back their sanity becuase for so long we have been told that we are superwoman and that we can do it all. One of my professors told me in grad school that you can have it all but you can’t have it all at one time. I was working a full-time job, an adjunct position and writing for a newspaper while trying to raise two sons…talk about tired! I needed to re-prioritze my time and my priorities and I have. Thank the Lord. Great post as usual!