It happens more often than you think.
My good friend Alicia has written about domestic violence. My friend Natasha has written about it. So I figured it’s time that I talk about it.
I have very little experience with physical domestic violence, but I do have experience with the verbal variety. Of being told that I was being a bitch. Or that I wasn’t “the queen you think you are.” Of being screamed at for no reason. Of being told that if I left him, he would harm himself and he couldn’t live without me.
It was a struggle and thankfully I was able to leave that relationship before it escalated into worse. I broke it off one day, during a phone call in which he screamed at me over and over again before deciding he had enough and handing the phone off to one of his friends who was sitting with him. And then his friend began disrespecting me in the same manner, calling me everything but a child of God.
I woke up. Somehow I wasn’t even fazed when my then-boyfriend would hurl insults at me, but for his friends to think it was okay to treat me that way as well? I had to get out of that relationship and fast.
Since I was away at college, breaking up was as simple as hanging up the phone and not answering when he called. Ever. He called me persistently for about two months. Every day. I would look at the number on my phone, shake my head furiously and hit “Ignore.” Every day.
Eventually he got the hint and stopped calling. And I moved on.
I know it is not that easy for young mothers who are in abusive relationships. It’s not as simple as “don’t answer the phone.” You have kids to think about, finances to consider and you have to first find the strength to say “I deserve more than this.” I know it can do a number on your self-esteem, make you feel like you’re nothing. But you’re still strong. You’re still wonderful.
One of the moms in our Facebook group and regular reader of the blog, Amber put together an educational video about domestic violence and asked me to share.
Amber says:
You can look up the statistics, the numbers of women who are in abusive situations are MUCH higher among young mothers. I myself am a survivor. Just barely. I made an educational video with information on signs and symptoms and places these women can go if they need help. It would mean the world to me if you could help me get this information out.
Of course I will. Check out Amber’s video below and leave her a comment of support.
Warning: Video contains images of abuse victims.
I went through it. But God was my strength. He gave me a beautiful baby girl. She was my motivation to move on. There was a lot of back and forth but I finally got out. It took awhile to be able to talk about it… so i blogged. I found that my story helped young moms who were in similar situations.
I’m not ashamed to say that I’ve gone through this as well, but I am ashamed that I stayed as long as I did. One day, I’ll forgive myself for even allowing someone to take me from me and waiting do long to fight to get myself back. I still have the scars–the bite marks, the scratches, and the emotional ones. But they remind me that the past is real and never to go down that road again. My scars help me to remind me of my true worth.
Thank you. I really needed this today. It hits home more than you know. It was like you knew what was going on in my everyday life right now and wrote this.
My father physically abused me as a child, and it made me determined to find a husband who was different from him. It wasn’t until I was an adult that I realized that my mother had enabled my father and that she had verbally abused me.
But I am getting the best revenge—living well.
I have a husband who would never even think of hitting me and children who have rarely been abused. I admit that I have hit each of them, maybe once or twice each, and my husband helped me to realize what I was doing, and I stopped. Plus I told my kids that I loved them so often that they got tired of hearing it, because I didn’t know that my parents loved me until I was in my 20s.
So I didn’t make everything all better, but it seems to me that I did pretty darned well, considering.
My freshman year of college I was abused both physically and emotionally. Luckily I had the strength to get out. I’m still fighting everyday to forget what happened but the scars and the memories haunt me everyday.
I’m very grateful for the man I have in my life now. He understands my struggle and we have a beautiful little boy together. And I love them both very much.
Thank you for including my story in this article, Tara. My absolute favorite line in this article is this: “it happens more than you think.” Because it does. And sometimes it can be so subtle that we don’t even recognize it as the beginning of an abusive relationship, or simply, as an ACTUAL abusive relationship. Then it escalates. I went through emotional abuse before the physical abuse. The “please don’t leave me; I’ll change my ways; I’m going to kill myself if you leave” and all that jazz.
I still stayed.
It took financial abuse and me getting strangled on two separate occasions to say “enough.” I’m so happy that THAT is no longer my life. I’ve found piece. Thank GOD!
You’re right: it DOES happen more often than we think. And it’s time to talk. Often.
This is something that I have tried very hard in the past couple years to learn about and educate others. I was a 21 year old mother who was dealing with incredible amounts of physical abuse, every single day of my life. The first time my husband strangled me until I passed out was when I was 6 months pregnant with our son. I didn’t have the strength or the support to leave him until my son was 2 and was suffering beside me. It was him who gave me the strength, and it’s because of him that I am still alive today. I just want women like me to know that they don’t have to suffer, they don’t have to be afraid. I’m thankful that I have the opportunity to reach out and touch those in need. This world is so blessed to have such wonderful people in it who are willing to reach out and help others like Tara.
Thanks for sharing, it is a very relevant issue that a lot of times goes unaddressed. I work for a culturally specific domestic violence organization and I think the messages and especially the questions in the video are great!
However I’m not sure if using the shock value of photos of abuse victims is the way to go, sometimes images can be graphic enough where people think it’s such a horrible issue let someone else deal with it, or victims see it and think that’s not me. A lot of people’s definition of abuse is marks and bruises, but the majority of abuse doesn’t leave a visible mark, it’s emotional, financial, in the form of threats of harm or harming of other loved ones or animals for example. This is just my 2 cents.
Bravo to Amber for creating this video in efforts to reach more people with information on how to get help! The more we talk about it the more can be done to stop it, we need to teach our girls that they deserve to be treated well and make sure our boys grow up to respect women.
Thank you Cassie!! You make an incredible point and I truly appreciate you!! This gives me an idea for my next project.. Thank you so much!!!
This post came on the exact day of my 1 year anniversary of getting out of an abusive relationship. Thank you for spreading awareness!
A very education post. What some may not realize is that not all abuse has to do with hitting, there’s emotional and verbal as well. I will pass this along to help educate other people as well. That you for sharing this.