So this past month I was three five twenty-seven days late. TWENTY-SEVEN. As someone whose period has been like clockwork for the past three years, scared doesn’t even begin to cover it.
But two negative pregnancy tests later, my period finally arrived TWENTY-SEVEN days later and I am soo not pregnant. I can breathe.
A part of me would look forward to another kid, but a third unplanned pregnancy?!?! Like, come ON. I’ve been on Mirena for four years…I can’t possibly be in that .01% of women who get pregnant. I just can’t.
I’m 26, married, stable, have a house with an extra bedroom. This is the exact scenario I envisioned myself bringing home my first child to. But I want to be done with having kids. I know that now, if for no other reason than living through the drawn-out anguish I found myself trying to cope with while I waited to see if I was pregnant or not.
The hard truth is that when I was pregnant with my first child, I was convinced it was the worst thing to ever happen to me. There were no tears of joy, no excitement, no squealing, no happily making plans. It was just a mix of dread, guilt, shame and sadness. You couldn’t have convinced me that being pregnant wasn’t a punishment for having an active premarital sex life. To me, pregnancy = punishment. Still.
I might need therapy.
If you ask me now, I would tell you that my daughter and my son are the best parts of my life. Hands down. But the thought of having a third unplanned pregnancy scared me to bits. It all felt so familiar, even though I wasn’t that scared college junior anymore. Even though I’m a grown woman with grown woman responsibilities.
It is apparent I need to lie down on somebody’s couch and sort through some unresolved issues from my first two unplanned pregnancies (man, that was a sad sentence). There should be JOY when discovering that you might be carrying another life inside you. Not shame. Not guilt.
I’ve got to get it together.
Am I the only one who has NEVER looked at a pregnancy test with giddy anticipation?
You might have to make room on that couch for me. I’m on Mirena too and had a pregnancy scare. I want to say that a part of me was excited but it wasn’t. It took me almost 15 mins to build up the courage to look at my negative pregnancy test.
You’re right that we should be able to feel over the moon about the possibility of carrying another life. That is something I am going to work hard on. After all I get excited for my friends why not for myself?
Nope, mine are always positive. LOL.
I am in that 0.01% who got pregnant on the Mirena… and I’ve never been happy about being pregnant. I always thought that when I found out there would be tears of joy, not tears of “oh crap my life is over again, what the heck am I going to do”. But thats just the way things worked out. I love my kids, and am 99% of the time glad that I had them and they’re around (that 1% is when they’re driving me crazy after a long day of school/work). If not having another is something you’re serious about though maybe you should look into more permanent options. I’m 24 and will be getting my tubes tied in November (just before my first suprise baby turns 7), because I know 100% that I’m done having kids, I would resent another one, and I refuse to bring a baby into the world who wouldn’t be loved right from the start.
Were you late because you might be stressed out? That happens to me when I’m stressed.
Ohh man this post hit the nail on the head (make room for a third person). I LOVE (in bold letters) my Emma, but like you she wasn’t planned and she came in the middle of planning a wedding. And although I am married now, I had a scare recently and I still may not be all the way out of the woods (waiting until my time this month and I will be clear), I’m not ready for another and I felt bad thinking “how could you be pregnant again”…or feeling guilty for it not being planned! I’m sure I would love another child as much as I love Emma, and there is no question there I just felt like how could this be happening again!
I have never looked at a pregnancy test with joy and probably never will. If I got pregnant tomorrow, I would probably die a little inside. Sad to say, but it’s the truth. It would not be a happy occasion for anyone. You are not alone.
“There should be JOY when discovering that you might be carrying another life inside you.”>> Not if you know that you don’t want another baby! Which there is nothing wrong with knowing. Both of my pregnancies were unplanned; when I was a scared, 19-year-old and when I was 28 and married. I have never been happy to see a positive pregnancy test, and while there will probably always be a part of me that wishes I had that experience, I’m not willing to get pregnant again in order to find out. Sure I could afford a baby now, I’m married and in my 30s, but I feel that my family is complete. The thought of seeing two lines? Lawwwwd…Have…Mercy!!!!!
There should be joy when you find out you are pregnant if you are in the position to bring a life into this world. However like you said, you are definitely in the position to do so and still don’t feel happy. So it could possibly be something deeper.
I know for my first pregnancy with my (4 year old) daughter I was happy beyond belief. However, I did NOT know what pregnancy or motherhood had in store for me. So when I got pregnant the second time around when my daughter was not even a year old, I was angry at the plus sign on the pregnancy stick and with myself. I had a miscarriage not too long after that, and (sadly) I was relieved. But it scared the crap out of me and I got an IUD too after that!
Nope; you are not the only one. Turns out I was pregnant with baby #4 after a 10 year gap. I had an IUD and I never thought I would be in that .01%. That baby is now 9. I was not happy when I initially found out I was pregnant, but I eventually got happy. I don’t know about should – that’s puts a load of guilt on you.
“The hard truth is that when I was pregnant with my first child, I was convinced it was the worst thing to ever happen to me. There were no tears of joy, no excitement, no squealing, no happily making plans. It was just a mix of dread, guilt, shame and sadness. You couldn’t have convinced me that being pregnant wasn’t a punishment for having an active premarital sex life. To me, pregnancy = punishment. Still.”
This is me!
Even though I’m married, I don’t know if I want to be raising another child now that my son is 12 when I’m 32 he will be 18 and (hopefully) off to college. Having another child now will mean that I’ll be responsible for another child when I was so close to “freedom” !
My husband has no children and says eventually he would want one but I still have mixed feeling about having another child.
You are not alone with this thinking. Even married and planning a pregnancy, I still had the dread. It’s like it was drilled in you from a child. So even when things are as they are supposed to be, it’s like you failed when you got pregnant–even planned.
With my first pregnancy, I cried my heart out. I knew what we were doing, but somehow I felt like I failed myself. Crazy right?
I am with Alicia. Maybe you are stressed. You posted a few weeks ago about your doctors appointment that you had. I’m not sure how you can fit it in but maybe if the grandparents take the kids 2 weekends a month or have someone come over to clean cook/organize things for you in exchange for some kind of Internet help/support or something. (like a barter)
I knew a post like this was coming after that fb stat. I think this happens to alot of women including myself. My hubby had a vasectomy and I still poas. it was negative buet a reminder that while the possibility was exciting I was happier to see my cycle.
I cried both times, and not tears of joy either. My first (my daughter) I did get excited about it after a few weeks, but that didn’t last long before I just wanted the pregnancy over. The second time, I resented the pregnancy from the start to although I never resented my son! For me, it has mostly to do with the pregnancy itself. I hated being pregnant and every symptom that came with it. Love my babies though and never regretted being their mommy!
Awwwwww!!! Also thanks for ALWAYS being honest. This is why I stay glued to your posts!!!
i think it’s those days of not having the answer is what’s the worst. Your period playing hide and seek does a number on you big time.
scary! that’s me now! I’m so paranoid about getting preggo on accident! 😛
we have two beautiful kiddos, but I’m good with two ya know? lol