by Emily Lingenfelser
I have been a very single momma for quite some time now. I do it all: take out the trash, pay the bills, cook dinner, raise the kid, go to school, bring home the bacon. And constantly I hear people saying, “I don’t know how you do it by yourself. I could never be a single mom!”
Maybe I have just been in this role for so long that it has become second nature to me, but I definitely find myself being in awe of married young moms. When I think about the time and commitment that it must take to be a mother and a wife, it exhausts me.
I have never been married, but I assume it takes work to keep one going. And not just a little work. As a married parent, you do not only have one important relationship, you have multiple: with your child(ren) and your spouse. As a single mom, I am not worrying about finding “us time” or how to communicate better with my partner or the million other things that come along with a marriage. I have no arguments, no disagreements, no distributing finances. It is just me and my little guy. While I do go through everything alone, there isn’t the stress of a relationship on top of everything.
Another thing that I cherish as a single mom is weekend visitations. I get to spend two weekends a month child free soaking up silence and sleeping in. This is something single (co-parenting) mom’s are used to but when you are married, both parents are typically in the home. While it can be hard to say goodbye to the kiddo for two and a half days, spending every second of the past twelve days pulling my hair out and waiting for my head to explode make it a little bit easier.
I know married couples often don’t get many chances to go out. They have to rely on babysitters, friends, or family members in order to get a nice quiet evening at home or out on the town. And while there is still two of them to divide responsibilities among themselves, I can’t really imagine not having every other weekend to clear my head.
So in all reality, I think married mom’s deserve WAY more credit than they get. The job of motherhood is challenging no matter the circumstances, but I don’t see my job being any harder or any easier. But I believe it is important to recognize how amazing moms are on both sides of the relationship status.
Emily blogs at Your Mom Goes To College.
I love this post! I think you’re so right, there are different challenges to being a married mom and a single mom. Some of it is the frustration that you have a partner to split the work, but it usually falls on you anyway (like a glimmer of help, but doesn’t always come–well not in the same breath that you need it).
I honestly believe that both roles are challenging. As a married mom, we don’t really get time to ourselves, and I have to steal time from sleep, just to get me time after “us” time. Your attention is always being divided and of course (like all moms) you end up putting yourself last.
Great post! I was a young mommy before I was a married mommy… although my husband and I have been together for 9 years, it is truly a HUUUGE responsibility to juggle a 6 year old daughter, 5 year old son, and a 3 year old marriage. I cannot imagine being a single mother BUT I definitely can relate to the stress it entails. I can only imagine knwoing I’d have a weekend off *sigh* lol As wives, we dont get much credit— and I agree we deserve it. Being married does not always mean you have that helping hand. Being married does not guarantee an easy life— like people assume. It is truly a hard job— and on top of all the things you mentioned— cooking dinner for a family of 4, being domestic, being a full time employee, being a good wife… I am also a full time student. Its not easy… at all. I love my husband and I love being married but… whew.
Thank you for this post!
Thank for say that! I think there’s always these battle lines drawn between married and single women and mothers…about who has better than the other. I’ve never understood that. From caring and sharing, we can all learn from each other’s experiences and help one another grow!
I agree that it can be quite challenging to juggle balancing being a mom and a wife. It is not always an even split of your time. I see now why couples plan date night and vacations away. However this requires a strong support system. If couples are lucky enough to have this it makes a difference. I found even with a mate I was still juggling more than I needed to. I think to alleviate being overwhelmed you need to let your mate know what is needed. Also make it a priority to plan mommy refresher if you can. I often wondered how single moms do it by themselves. Now that I am a soon to be divorced mom I know first hand. The challenges are on another level and I find myself having to steal moments for myself as there are no every other weekends.
Now with my new status there are the challenges of whether co-parenting really works, raising a male tween without a consistent male presence, maintaining a sense of security for my younger child. I always say Mother’s Day should be every month.
No matter which way slice it motherhood is hard work. I’ve been on both sides of the fence and I can’t really say that either one is easier than the other. They both have their pros and cons. But what I can say makes motherhood easier is when you have moms like this who get that we’re all equal and we all work and grind hard for our families!
Wait, now why am I married again? Every other weekend sounds sweet! I barely have time to shower with a 3 year old & a 10 month old that STILL eats every 3-4hours. I always say I could use another wife around here. She would know exactly what to do. Great article, great points. Nice work Mom! (As my son King would say)