Dear YML,
I have a friend who is just not seeing the picture that we are and we are concerned for her. She is the grandmother of two. Her daughter-in-law is 28, her husband is 31, and their daughters are 4 and 2. My friend has two jobs—a bus driver and an alteration shop. She watches the granddaughters every Tuesday and Thursdays, in between runs, on Friday nights overnight and most weekends so that her son and daughter in law can have time to do whatever.
The daughter-in-law does have a job but stays longer to work out and always and I mean always calls to say she is going to be later. And on most days she says that she has this errand to run or that one. My friend is 55 years old and never even has time with her sister, and when she does she has the girls with her. The daughter-in-law is taking trips to Chicago, or camping with her girlfriends.
We have had several interventions with her and she just blows us off. We fear she will have a heart attack. Last year she had surgery on a rotator cuff and we had to tell the daughter-in-law that she could not have my friend watch the kids that day. Its like she is still 21 years old and like she does not even have the kids. We are very concerned for my friend and do not know what to do.
Again we have love our friend we are concerned for her. Her husband said if it comes down to it the alterations shop will close and the girls come first. But life does or should not revolve around the grandkids. Visiting is one thing raising is another. We know its not our place but come on. Please send us some advice.
Sincerely,
Concerned
Dear Concerned,
Well, Concerned, I don’t know what to tell you. It seems pretty clear to me. Your friend has to make her own decisions. You’ve spoken your peace and told her multiple times that she does too much for her children and grandchildren. She knows where you stand but has decided, for whatever reason, that she wants to continue doing what she’s doing. She probably figures that it’s better that she watch the kids than a stranger.
Ladies, what do you think? What should Concerned do?
Ok Really quick, because I have to run into a meeting..
What if this makes her HAPPY. What if the grandkids are her JOY and thats why wants to spend her time that way.
Just because its not how you would choose to spend your time, doesnt mean it doesnt bring her great joy. My mom helped/helps me with my daughter all the time and at first It felt like she was giving up alot. She watched her 5 hours a day- mon-fri for 2 years until I felt comfortable with childcare… she helped on the weekends especially when I first started my new job and was setting up an office. So I stopped and asked her if she felt it was too much and to let me know.
She said NO this is the meaning of life and the JOY of life and to NEVER feel that way. And now that she is in Childcare-you better believe if I dont take her there every couple days there will be hell to pay! LOL. Some grandparents genuinely enjoy that time.
If she is fine with it.. and doesnt feel she is being taken advantage of. Leave her be.. those kids will grow to be better people for having shared that time with her.
Ro