Out of all the (offline) mom friends I currently have, only one is married. The rest are varying degrees of single motherhood—in an off-again, on-again relationship with their child’s father, fighting for child support from a deadbeat ex, or simply moving forward as a completely single mother.
As a married mother, it creates an interesting dynamic for sure. Can I complain about my husband working late? Or his socks on the floor? Will that seem insignificant? Can I relate to my single mom friends when they talk about how much a child support check doesn’t cover? Will they be sympathetic when I talk about my latest (admittedly dumb) argument with my man?
I firmly believe that we’re all moms and our struggles are no less important because of our relationship status. While at times I do wish I had more married mom friends, I’ve learned a thing or two about keeping my relationships with my single mom friends compatible for both of us.
To the married mom:
• Money might be tight for the single mom, but that doesn’t mean she wants to stay home every weekend. Choose an activity that, if need be, she can bring her kid to with little pressure. A family-friendly restaurant can work, so can a trip to the mall.
• Give her plenty of time to find a babysitter if she doesn’t regularly have one on call.
• Do NOT try to compare what you do when your husband is out of town to what she does all day every day. I learned this one the hard way. At best, she’ll roll her eyes at you. At worst, you’ll get cussed out.
• Talking finances might not be the best idea, particularly if your girl is constantly stressing about money and non-existent child support payments.
• If she asks you if you know any eligible bachelors, feel free to hook her up, but otherwise, keep your nose out of her love life. She won’t be “happier” if she’s part of a twosome and marriage doesn’t solve everything.
To the single mom:
• Don’t assume that your married mom friend is ready to hang out every weekend. If she’s working full-time during the week and filling the mommy role at night, she probably hasn’t had much quality time with her husband and looks forward to the weekend when they can reconnect.
• Life with a husband is NOT always peaches and cream. It is great to have someone there to carry part of the burden of parenting with you, but there are frustrations and disagreements in any relationship, and being married doesn’t erase that. Plus, with parenting in a two-parent household, there’s a lot of compromising involved that single moms don’t often have to deal with.
For both:
• Try to avoid those comparisons of who has it harder or easier. At the core of your friendship should be the fact that you are two women working hard to raise good kids. Listening and supporting each other is key to maintaining a great friendship.
Are your mom friends mostly single friends or married friends? Do you find it difficult to relate to other mothers whose relationship status is different from yours?
Originally published at MommyNoire.com
I feel like a lot of women without children (who are friends with women w/ kids) can take advice from the “for single moms” section! I swear, the same friends invite me out EVERY.SINGLE.WEEKEND and some even make me feel bad for almost always declining. They need to understand that after working and going to school full-time every day of the week on top of household duties, errands, etc… some of us want to just chill at home with our man and child(ren) in our PJ’s on Saturday night lol.
I think you’re the only married friend I have and I don’t *think* it’s been an issue, though I can be a bit naive when it comes to things like that. However, I do believe that the hardest realationship is between parents vs. childless friends. Until you’re actually a parent, I don’t think those who are childess can fully grasp the change in responsibilities or priorities and how fast a lack of interest for things you used to do/thought were cool and acceptable can change!
Most of my friends are married too or live with their SO and children. But my bff (well now ex bff) was single and we were getting along pretty well, but seems like she got tired of it and now shes partying everyday and spending all of her money on her, while she is living with her dad , he is the one that pays for everything. Im my case, all of the single moms I have met party every weekend and their parents help them with their finances, and I can’t stand that, that’s why I always get along better with married moms.
I’m married w/kids and my single friend w/kids is always making snarky remarks about my life and possessions. I try to downplay everything and let her get away with it because I know that she is bitter from divorce from long ago. She says that she is sooo independent and that to be married is not being independent. I agree that I am in an interdependent relationship where compromise is the norm. She cried to me on the phone the other day saying that the moment her check came in all the automatic payments left her with nothing. So, I helped her with food and Christmas toys for the kids. The next day I picked her up to go for coffee (her idea) and she was nasty and rude to me. She never wanted to be friends. I told her to keep everything because it came from the heart. Sometimes giving to someone who covets you life makes them dislike you even more. LESSON LEARNED