20 Things You Need To Get Through The First 5 Years Of Young Motherhood (Items 1-5)

I wish there was an instruction manual that they hand out when you are getting ready to leave the hospital with your newborn. Something along the lines of “101 Fool-Proof Ways To Raise A Child And Still Get Enough Sleep, Look Great, Shower Regularly and Have Lots of Sex and Lots of Friends.” I would have killed for a book like that.

But alas, there is no book.

No instruction manual.

We’re all winging it, making up the rules as we go along and while it seems scary, it’s kind of fun to celebrate our kids’ birthdays and think, “Look how far we’ve made it and we haven’t screwed them up—yet!”

But while there’s no book, there are some truths to this parenting business. Read along for my list of the 20 things you need to survive those first five years of motherhood.

1) A great sense of humor. Learn to laugh at yourself. If you don’t, you’ve got a long 18 years ahead of you. You will inevitably spill that breastmilk you spent all morning pumping. You will have your kid throw up on you at some point. You will be running late somewhere (everywhere) and realize once you get there that you left the diaper bag at home. In short, s%$# happens. And being able to laugh when it does will help decrease your therapy bill.

2) A diaper bag that does what it says it will do. And namely, that is hold all your crap. I’m at the stage where I no longer carry a diaper bag or the transitional “Mommy bag” I wore when my children were toddlers and out of diapers. I just grab my purse and we go. But in the early days, my diaper bag was the WORST. I could never find the diapers, the wipes were always popping open, the bottles would spill, the keys would would slide to the bottom and I’d always poke myself when looking for them. A diaper bag that keeps everything where it’s supposed to be is worth it’s weight in gold.

3) Money for new bras. I must have changed bra sizes about four times in the year I was pregnant with and then gave birth to my daughter. From a 34B to a 34C and then a 34D at delivery, to a 34DD during the first few weeks of breastfeeding, then somehow to a 36B? I wore some ill-fitting bras for a while, but later realized that buying a new bra was like finding a therapist who “got me.” Support (literally) makes the difference in how you feel.

4) Health insurance. Doesn’t matter if it’s the top of the line kind of insurance or the budget insurance. Kids get sick a lot, some averaging as much as one cold a month when they’re younger. If you end up in the ER for some reason, you don’t want to see that bill without insurance taking care of its part first.

5) A fitted blazer. I had been on the hunt for a blazer for two years and I finally found one. Gray, with silver pinstripes on the inside…it’s a beauty. It makes me look about 10 pounds slimmer, which is great because I have about 10 pounds to lose. Put a blazer on over anything and automatically it makes you look like you’ve got your stuff together, when in fact you are just mentally doing a countdown to bedtime (“It’s only 4:35?! Ugh!!”)

Read items 6-10, 11-15, and 16-20 here.