Don’t Believe The Hype: It Takes Years Of Work To Get A Great Marriage

A few years ago, I was on the phone with my mother, talking about whatever insane thing my husband did that was driving me crazy.

“I just wish he would get it,” I fussed. “You would think he would know not to do __________.”

My mom just kind of laughed. She’s been married to my father for going on 30 years. They’ve been together since they were 12.

“Sweetie, that’s not how it works,” she said. “You haven’t been together that long.”

I stared at the phone as if she could see me. “Mom, we’ve been together for five years. What do you mean we haven’t been together that long?”

She took a deep breath. “Five years is not a long time. You’re still getting to know each other.”

“Um, okay, I guess….” I didn’t want to believe it. In my mind, five years was a sufficient amount of time to learn a person’s quirks, know their likes and dislikes and generally get a good sense of who a person is and how they tick.

But what my mother was trying to say in that conversation and all the ones we’ve had since then, is that marriage is a delicate dance between two people who are still very much trying to learn each other in the midst of continuous change.

My husband and I have been married for five and a half years and have been together for nine. We “know” each other pretty well. I know that he is a creature of habit and he knows where everything is in the house and if I move the remote, it throws him off. He knows that I am particular about my food and how I eat it. He always remembers to grab a fork from Chipotle or the Chinese take-out place because doesn’t everyone know the food tastes better when you use their forks?

I had to realize that I had to be willing to put in the work, till death do us part. There was no coasting. There was no magical anniversary that we would reach and then all our problems would be solved. No. Marriage does not work that way.

I had to accept that there will always be days when he gets on my nerves. That is normal. He will disappoint me on occasion and I will disappoint him. We’re human.

As soon as I realized this, the better our relationship became. We weren’t looking for an out, we weren’t stressing over our disagreements. We could just…be.

For those of you in a relationship, what lessons have you learned about love? Share them in the comments below!