A 28-year-old dad wrote into the Dear Prudence column recently, contemplating what he had gotten himself into by settling down and choosing to raise a child with his partner, versus living the “good life” like his childless friends:
All of my co-workers are young and I’ve made a few good friends, but I often have to decline invitations to events I’d really like to attend because of my family obligations, or because I can’t afford it. I’m the only one with a full plate of adult responsibilities, including supporting my partner, who is an artist and doesn’t bring home a paycheck every week. So I have to say no to joining them on road trips or at exclusive restaurants, because my weekend consists of toddler birthday parties and visits to the playground. It’s making me rueful that I’ve missed my 20?s and worried I will wind up bitter no matter how much I love my family.
I understand where he’s coming from. I had my first child at 20, followed close behind by my second child at 22. It was a difficult adjustment to say the least—I was struggling with learning how to breastfeed while my peers were bar-hopping until 4 in the morning. I struggled with how quickly I had to transition from a carefree college student to a responsible young mom of two.
My advice to any young parents out there? Stop looking at everyone else and focus on your own life. Of course you might feel like you’re missing out if you constantly compare your life to others. But paying attention to your own life allows you to answer the following question: Are you happy? The question isn’t “Are you happy in relation to what your life could be like?” But rather, it’s a simple question that forces you to think about your true happiness. And this has nothing to do with other people.
Focusing inward will show you if you are truly happy. If you aren’t happy, work within your power to change that. If you feel like all you do is change diapers and burp babies, you might need more adult interaction and there’s nothing wrong with that. If you’re more likely to be spotted buying Pampers than some new pumps, go ahead and find some room in the budget to treat yourself every now and then. Do the work to improve your life!
If there’s anything I’ve learned as I adjusted to life as a 22-year-old mommy of two, it’s that we have the power to change our perspective. You can either second-guess your choices and wonder “What if?” or you can move forward, fully invested as a young parent, with the knowledge that this season of your life is what you make it.
In due time, your kids will be grown and out of your house and your childless friends will be at home with tweens. Then who will be jealous of who?
This post was originally published at MommyNoire.com.
You gave much nicer advice than I would have given. Like Prudence stated, what he’s going through at one time was what the majority of 28 year olds were going through. It’s only now that most people want a prolonged adolescence (esp. men) until they hit 30. But like you stated, he needs to change his perspective. Although he may not be able to do all the things his friends are doing, having a child doesn’t have to hamper his social life. There are things he can do with his family that’s social, he should take his kids anywhere kids are allowed (within reason) and then he’ll have a child with a wide range of experiences as well as one that has learned to behave in different social situations. As a child I went all across Europe with my parents and I am a much better adult as a result.
I agree that we as young parents need to stop comparing our lives to our non-parent friends. It’s like apples and oranges at that point. It bothers me when people paint being a young parent as the fatal shot to your social life. That’s not true at all.
If anything since having kids I’ve gone out more and experienced new things. I tell my new parent friends all the time that they can take control of the situation and host family friendly but still fun events. There’s also tons of parenting and playgroups on sites like Meetup.com and even Facebook.
This is really a great post. The advice given can be applied to anyone’s life, not just parents. I sometimes catch myself comparing my life to my other friends, with children or not, and sometimes feel like I could do things differently, or it makes wish I had more, but then I stop comparing and just live my life and focus being grateful for what I have.
And you’re right, my daughter will be 18 when I’m 35, an age when most people are starting families or raising young children. As much as I love raising my daughter and enjoying her childhood, I can’t help but look forward to being really young still when she’s ready to move out, too.
I have to agree with Kenesha.
In addition to that, I have to say that starting my marriage and family young probably kept me from a world of heartbreak, loneliness, drunken nights, hungover mornings, and God knows what else. And I’ve still had my fun as a wife & mother. Just not childish fun, but I’m not sure I need(ed) that. I did the carefree, single, party late thing from 17-21, and I don’t miss it. I sometimes think that the “Carefree 20’s” are romanticized a little, just as almost everything in life is.
This post is spot on. We have many married friends without kids, and the thinking is completely different. We can’t just pick up and go anywhere we want to because, well we have kids. Our idea of fun is different than theirs, and yup, there are times when our friends look at us different because we said we can’t go somewhere, because it’s not child friendly. Its not our loss that we can’t do things together, it’s going to be theirs. We decided to have kids before our friends did, and that worked for us. For the most part, it’s great hearing about the “fun” things that our friends can do with without kids, but I wouldn’t trade the two that I have for anything in the world. We can go out looking for fun, or we can enjoy and have fun right now.