How To Have An Orgasm In Six Easy Steps (Yes, Really)

In the past week, I’ve met two different women who have been sexually active for close to a decade, who have a child, and who have never had an orgasm.

Hey, I get it somewhat. As I said before, teenage sex isn’t that great. If you are sexually active as a teen, more than likely you will walk into your twenties without ever having the big O. While this is a shame, it’s also probably very common.

However, if you’re sharing your body and your most intimate moments with someone, you ought to feel good too, not just left with a sticky mess to clean up and an “Oh, well, maybe next time” attitude. Sex should be special. You should be with someone who cares if you actually get pleasure out of the 10, 20, 30 minutes you’re rolling around naked together.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to terms with the fact that I am a highly sexual person and have been as long as I can remember. I can remember having sexual thoughts and desires at 8 or 9 years old. I used to be ashamed of it, as if a girl having sexual desires was something that needed to be hidden. I carried that shame right into my marriage and it took years to undo that baggage I carried around with me.

My husband, bless him, was very good about wanting me to enjoy myself, but I had so many hang-ups that achieving the big O was damn near impossible. I’d be too preoccupied for it to work: Ugh, when is the last time I’ve been in the gym? Why is my belly so jiggly? Are those new stretch marks on my boobs? Am I being too quiet? Too loud? Is HE being too quiet? Do I need to move faster? Slowly? Why isn’t he making any noise? Oh, but his eyes are closed. That’s good, right? I think so…

And on and on and on. It was way to noisy up there for me to focus on what was happening.

Now I have a very healthy sex life, but it took work. I’m no sexpert, but I’ve got about a 97% orgasm average these days, so I’d say we’re doing something right. If you’re like one of those women who is sexually active but doesn’t have orgasms regularly, read on for my best tips:

1. Let It Marinate

This is when you wake up and think to yourself, “I am going to have an orgasm tonight.” And all day long, keep that thought in the front of your mind.

Some jerk cuts you off on the road? Instead of cursing at him and giving him the finger, think “Man, I can’t wait to have that orgasm tonight. All this stress will just melt away.” Make a “Sexy Times” playlist on Spotify. (Here’s a good one to start you off – and here’s a few more I find set the mood quite nicely.) Text your boo and tell him you can’t wait for tonight. Sext him if you’d like. Clean your bedroom. Get the mental part right so the physical stuff can flow.

2. Do Some Kegels

You exercise your Kegel muscles when you clench to stop the flow of urine. Go ahead — try it now.

You always hear this piece of advice given to women to strengthen their pelvic floor muscles and tighten the vagina. But no one really talks about when to do Kegels. I like doing them before and during sex. Doing Kegels before sex wakes you up sexually! It’s like your vagina is saying to you, “Yaaaaaas, honey! It’s going down tonight!”  During, it gives your partner a lil’ squeeze, which can be extra fun for you and him, particularly as you change up the rhythm and the pressure.

3. Foreplay, Foreplay, Foreplay

Is there any wonder women aren’t having orgasms when foreplay is basically nonexistent? I’ve been there. Get warmed up. Take your time touching and teasing. Twenty minutes at least. AT LEAST. (I can hear some of you mumbling, “Who has 20 minutes for just fondling? We need to get in and get OUT, literally.” Okay, okay. If not every time, at least some of the time you need to get your foreplay in!!)

Here is where I think women get stuck because men tend to be a little rougher with our lady bits than we’d like. That’s when you take him by the hand and show him the tempo and pressure you prefer. If the goal is to have an orgasm, laying back and taking it is probably not going to work.

4. Find That G Spot

Often penetration is not enough for a woman to have an orgasm, but let’s not just give up on that yet. If you want to orgasm from penetration but you haven’t been able to, let’s try something. Wait until the kids are in a deep sleep, you have no looming deadlines, the kitchen is clean—basically whatever you need to do to make sure your mind is clear, do it.

Start in the woman on top position. It’s more work, but the chances for an orgasm are greater because you’re in the driver’s seat. At this point, you’re less concerned about feels good for him and more focused on getting yours. (Trust me—if you’re naked on top of your man, that is enough for him. He’ll come. It’ll be fine.) Let him grab your hips, but don’t let him dictate the rhythm. Focus on what you’re feeling. How does it feel if you sit back? Straddle him on your knees? Move your hips in circles? Back and forth? It’s more about angles and pressure (for me, at least) versus speed. If you feel self-conscious during this exploration, put on some music and close your eyes so you can focus. This position, at least for me, is a surefire orgasm 10 times out of 10.

If this sounds intimidating to you, let’s continue to tips #5 and #6.

5. Multitask In The Bedroom

Sometimes penetration won’t get it for you so you have to move on a more surefire approach. The clitoris. Chances are, you didn’t learn much about it during sex ed class, but it’s so crucial to this discussion we’re having here! You might have to stimulate yourself during sex (or have your partner do it for you). If you’ve never touched yours to discover what type of pressure and rhythm you respond best to, set aside some quiet time to do so. Lock the door so you can fully relax. If you’re not comfortable touching yourself…I get it. But you must feel comfortable with your body. If you feel squeamish about your nakedness or your sexual organs, this won’t work.

6. Lube It Up

This is pretty common advice, but I swear young women think because we’re young, it means we don’t need lube. Not necessarily. Sometimes our bodies aren’t quite there yet and that dryness can get in the way of  a good time. You can use saliva, of course. It’s free and it’s all-natural. However, I like this line from Good Clean Love. It’s organic and has no nasty chemicals that can irritate you. (Nobody wants an angry vagina! LOL).

Put more simply, the key to a good orgasm is confidence. For many women, we haven’t had to learn how to be sexual because for a lot of men, all it takes to get a guy interested in sex with you is to just showing up. But that doesn’t guarantee pleasure for us. Remember, regular orgasms make for happy women! I want us all to be happy, sexually satisfied women who are not ashamed of the role our sexuality plays in our life.

I hope this was helpful. I want to read your comments. Share your best tips in the comments! (You can be anonymous!)