“I Had To Lose Myself So I Could Love You Better”

My husband and I have been a couple for the past 10 years. This summer marked our seventh wedding anniversary. Now, I’ve heard of the “Seven Year Itch,” but what we’ve been in the past month or so is the “Seven Year Stretch!”

Popular data from the last 100 years tells us that most couples who divorce do so around the seven year mark. At that point, they’re past the honeymoon phase, they don’t sit around and talk like they used to, they’re busier, they’re less interested in doing those things they did when they were dating…and it becomes harder and harder to make it work.

The amount of energy I’m expending to be a good wife is insane some days! I’m having to look myself in the mirror, day after day, and confront the ugly aspects of my personality in order to bring order to my home.

I can be downright mean. And whiny. And bossy. And all for good reason (in my mind). I think I’m the shit. I cook, I grocery shop, I volunteer at the kid’s school regularly, I take them to school every day and I’m waiting at dismissal to pick them up. I plan their extracurriculars, I help them with homework and I’m not too shabby in the bedroom. I think I’m the best wife who has ever walked the Earth so my husband should recognize that he’s got a keeper and act accordingly.

Right? Eh, not exactly.

Because marriage is not built for our enjoyment. It’s meant to be a challenge. It’s supposed to force us to rise up and become that better version of ourselves that can only happen when we have a daily force in our lives that inspires us to get there. My husband is not afraid to call me on my nonsense and I live in that role for him as well.

My kids serve this purpose too. When I catch my daughter rolling her eyes or cutting her brother down with her words, I cringe and note that she got that from watching me. When my son is insisting that his way is the only way and he’s not trying to compromise with his sister, I vow to set a better example of kindness.

But with a spouse? Damn, homie. This is difficult. Because I picked this dude. I stood at the altar in front of my family and friends and God and said, “Yeah, I’m going to rock with this man until I leave this earth.” It’s a tall order. I don’t think I realized what I really pledged until this year.

I’ve been reading. I’ve been praying. I’ve been working on me. That’s the only way to have a healthy marriage. For most of our marriage, I couldn’t comprehend that you can’t force your partner to do a damn thing. Not a thing! Isn’t that crazy? All you can do is work on yourself, whether that’s learning how to cope with your partner’s quirks or developing the communication skills to express your concerns in a healthy and effective way.

My mantra these days is “Grace.” It is simply not worth it to let the little things become the big things. (And this is from a woman who had a shouting match with her husband over ground turkey. Yes. Ground turkey. Let that marinate.) So what if your husband leaves his beard hairs all over the sink? So what if it takes him forever to do something you ask him to do? So.What?

Marriage, more than anything, is about friendship. Can you do special things for your spouse even if you’re currently mad at them? Can you speak kindly even if you’re simmering with anger? Can you treat them with respect no matter how you feel? These are all the things I’m learning that will, in time, make me a better wife.

Y’all pray for me while I get there.