If you didn’t know, I am probably the world’s number 1 Beyonce fan. (Okay, maybe number two.) So when I found out she was pregnant I’m not ashamed to admit I was as happy for her as I would be for an actual family member.
This part right at here at the 4:21 mark? I lost it! She looked so damn happy to be pregnant and when they panned to Jay-Z in the crowd, you could tell he felt the same way. They were both over the moon about their little one on the way, and I was happy for them. It is amazing to see someone glow about their pregnancy and you can just see them shining from the inside out. Once my initial excitement faded, I realized that I never really had that with either of my pregnancies. Baby #1 was unplanned, junior year, I was freaking about keeping my internship (which I needed to graduate). Joy wasn’t quite in the equation. I was president of a couple clubs, very active on campus, and I felt like my pregnancy was 10 steps back. It wasn’t something to celebrate. It was something to get through. I wore slightly bigger shirts to class and praised my luck when I made it through my second semester of junior year without really showing. Just looked like I really liked cheeseburgers. But then I had to go on campus during the summer and I ran right into one of my professors, a man I greatly admire and respect. This man was Quincy Jones’ publicist, okay? He had pictures in his office of him and MJ, and Stevie Wonder, and everyone else who’s ever won a Lifetime Achievement Award of any sort. I wanted him to think the best of me and getting pregnant just didn’t seem like “the best” idea at the time. I shifted a bit, and tried to “suck in” my belly, which you know is impossible at six months along. He looked at my belly and up at my face and I expected to see a hint of disappointment. Instead, I saw happiness. “Congratulations!” he said, giving me a big hug. I followed his lead and smiled too. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” he asked. Before I could answer, he just shook his head and held up his hand. “Never mind. Just know that I’m truly excited for you.” He kept walking toward his office, but before he went inside, he turned back around and looked at me once more. “You’re going to make a great mom,” he said. And then I lost it and started crying right there in the hallway. All that time I was so scared of what people would think about me, being pregnant, in school, unmarried, no job, no insurance. I wasn’t even enjoying what was taking place, the fact that I was, at that moment, creating life. I was going to be a mother. This wasn’t a death sentence; this was the beginning of a beautiful journey. And I was missing it. I would love to say that I straightened up and embraced the remaining days of my pregnancy, but I didn’t. I let doubt and fear take hold and it took close to a year to shake it off. To this day, it is my biggest regret. And I don’t regret much. But not embracing the joy that is inherent in every pregnancy – I wish I could turn back time and celebrate the occasion. Drop my mic and rub my tummy, so to speak. I didn’t do it then, but I’m doing it now. I’m loving (mostly) every minute of motherhood and now I’m smiling from ear to ear.
Aww Tara I can only imagine how you felt. When I saw Beyonce rub her belly I was so proud like I knew her too (since I’m a Bey/Jay Stan). I have been ridiculously maternal lately, watching pregnancy documentaries, picking out names, researching home/water births, etc. My friends & family think I’m crazy. It made me second guess myself about even becoming a mom, but I know I’m meant to be a mom, whenever the time may be. Whether I get pregnant at 21 or later down the line.
Thank you so much for sharing this! I can relate so much to letting fear and doubt dominate my emotions during this pregnancy, and I don’t want to have that regret later on. This was so encouraging!
Awesome post!!! Tara, you and I are kindred souls… You described my experience to a T. I think that’s why I am so excited for ANYONE who is having a baby. I felt ashamed during my WHOLE pregnancy. Which is so ironic because I was “grown” by definition (I was preggers on my 21st bday) but still so self-conscious about being pregnant out of wedlock and without a degree, M.D., home, any type of plan etc…
I was able to hide my growing belly with baggy clothes until month 6. Eventually I was “all belly” but I felt weird when people said “congrats” because sadly, I was doing anything but celebrating…Looking back I only have a few pictures of my belly which I regret now…Thank goodness my friends forced me to get some professional pics during the 3rd trimester to document and they were awesome (on our wall now).
I think Beyonce is a great example for our society’s girls to follow – following your career dreams, marrying the man that treats you right (I don’t know Jay-Z but I feel like B has high expectations…LOL), and then deciding on a family on your own terms. I can’t argue that right order makes everything easier to celebrate, ya know?
For me, there was no nursery because I was still in undergrad, there was no insurance, there was tons of family drama, I was in a bunch of orgs ready to resign (no one wanted me to, but I was always wanting to not be seen), and all the drama that came with being in a bf/gf relationship with this unexpected hit. Whew! I get drained just thinking about that 9 months…
But God.
When I had him, from day one, I was NEVER ashamed of my son. He is the best thing to ever happen to me. My greatest accomplishment. Like you said, I celebrate motherhood everyday by being the best mom I possibly could be. And even though the next pregnancy will probably be stressful too – I am learning that it is “frowned upon” in medical school…. I will be joyful. I will not hide it or sell myself short by not embracing the beautiful gift in pregnancy. I wish all women the ability to see the gift that they carry from the positive test to the labor pains. Carrying a child is such a unique and beautiful experience. I can’t wait to do it again!
Tara, this is my life!! i was soooo embarrassed to be pregnant and unmarried that i hid out in my room for three months. when i came out of hiding and people started congratulating me, it felt so awkward because i didn’t yet see being pregnant as a good thing. like you said, i had to realize that i wasn’t just pregnant, i was a mother-to-be with a child inside, and when i embraced that things got better. even though i don’t plan on having any more children any time soon [if ever], i kinda want that chance to be proud to have a baby bump, not ashamed of it. awesome post!
I was kind of the same way with my first. He was a total surprise and I was also in school. I wasn’t ashamed, just ill prepared, and busy. I was 28 and in grad school, working full time, and planning my wedding (within 45 days). So like you, I didn’t really enjoy my first pregnancy either, however, my second, I made sure I lived every minute of it. I did everything under the sun to make myself feel beautiful. I made sure my hair was done, and remained stylish as best I could on a budget. I even did a maternity photo shoot, which was very awesome.
I can relate the this in sooooo many ways. My pregnancy was unplanned and it came at a weird time. My mother was very disappointed and we didn’t regain communication until I was about 6 months (found out when I was 3 months). I was so worried about how others saw me that I didn’t concentrate on what I thought about it. I was gonna be a mommy!!! I will say that next pregnancy I’m going to wear my belly proud lol.
Clearly, you are not alone in feeling this way, and I’m so glad to see all the moms who posted on this one, because I’m right there with you all. I never felt one ounce of attachment to my pregnancy, not one spark of love for the baby until I held her in my arms. I am sad that this was my experience too, becoming a mother during my senior year of college and being scared to death. But it’s nice to read things like this and realize that sometimes, it’s not always the world’s perception that we are bad moms for being young, unmarried, and pregnant–sometimes people really are happy for us. If only we would let ourselves be happy for us too!
Hugs to all the fellow moms out there!
PS–How in the heck did she move like that in those heels???
This sounds like my story exactly with both my pregnancies. With my mom being a minister, I felt judged about getting pregnant not once but twice before my husband and I tied the knot. I wish I wouldn’t have cared about what everybody else thought and just enjoyed being pregnant.
So glad that you spoke on this Tara. Sadly, it seems like an ill fate of young moms to feel down on ourselves around unplanned pregnancies. I went through the same period in the beginning of my pregnancy – being that I was in my very first semester in freshman year of college, and had a bunch of scholarships – there was just a lot to figure out. In a way, I made those initial steps harder on myself due to those same feelings of disappointment in myself, fear of what my grandparents would think, what my peers on campus would think, what would the folks back home say? And then, I got over those feelings once I began to understand that I really hadn’t ruined anything by being pregnant. I had to teach myself how to connect with the baby that I was carrying, and once I did, I spent time with her inside of my womb (talking to, reading to, connecting with spiritually through yoga, writing about). I think that what you have created here with The Young Mommy Life will help young moms begin to find that happiness, that deep love and pride (not shame) for the babies they are carrying
And yes, it was that magical moment from B that made me lose it too!!
awesome post. kinda speechless and that doesn’t happen often.
Wow this post is amazing, I wish I read this 8 years ago when I was pregnant with my oldest. I felt the exact same way when I was pregnant with both of my children. The first time, I was only 18, and felt so ashamed and embarrassed. I was on my path to University and knew that it would be that much harder for me to reach my dreams, as a young mother. Many years later, when my son started school, I was accepted at University, and was so excited and proud to finally being back on my path! And literally within 3 months of my first year, I got that bombshell piece of news – pregnant again. Now I’m an at-home mom with an 8 month old and an 8 year old, and in some ways still feel the shame and embarrassment I did when I was pregnant at 18. I’m so disappointed that I had my dreams in my grasp and lost touch with them again. I know I’ll get back there one day, and in the meantime I have 2 beautiful boys to keep me company.
Thankyou for writing this!
Well I’ve officially been brought to tears. I’m expecting #3 now, so that may have a bit to do with my emotions spilling over, but I’m grateful to be able to have learned from my regrets as well. I can relate to the feelings that so many have shared here in the comments, and I just love how much love was born out of all of our situations.
Thanks for opening up!
Thank you for your honesty. I can totally relate to this post!
I’m so very happy to have come across this site, i really needed to read this because i have been hiding pregnancy #2, i did the same with my first pregnancy. I’ve been stressing over not wanting to find out and hiding away from the world to the point i haven’t even stop to smell the roses. Thank you so much for this i truly appreciate it!
Pregnancy is a highly emotional time and like you I was pregnancy during my undergrad years. My pregnancy was also unplanned and caused great emotional instability at first. Will say that I did like being pregnant though and every though I didn’t mind people know about the pregnancy, I did not like to field questions about the father. My daughter’s father and I had a falling out and did not speak to each other for most of the pregnancy. I can’t wait to experience a joyful pregnancy under circumstances that enjoy.
WHEW.
this was me. i didn’t announce my pregnancy on FB until the month before he was due.
i didn’t want the questions (which i got anyways) and the judgement. i lost friends as a result.
i don’t regret going ninja mode because self-preservation was and still is key when you are doing things in an untraditional way. perhaps it’s me projecting my own feelings of guilt/shame onto others.. but probably a little bit of both.
great post!