{YML Voices} There Is Never An Easy Answer

by Madeline Wilson

I did something a little radical this week. I went out and got a job. The getting dressed in real clothes and leaving the house kind of job. It was something I thought I needed, even at moments thought I desperately wanted. I thought it would give me validation. A sense of accomplishment. A feeling of equality within my relationship. I thought it would benefit my sanity.

Being a mother is hard, I expected that. But there are aspects of devoting my day to day life solely to the care of my child that I never anticipated. Do not get me wrong, I believe whole heartedly that I am blessed to be able to stay home with my child. I know many people who are not financially able to. I know that it is a gift that I can raise Cayden and that we have a life that can be supported solely on my husband’s salary. The thing is though, I never realized the way staying at home with Cayden, something I could only see as a complete positive, could actually have a negative impact on myself and my marriage.

I am a doer. I love nothing more than setting up tasks and then accomplishing them. I am a kick ass student and I have excelled at every job I have ever been employed at. It is in my nature to work hard. But baby raising is very different than any job or class I have ever taken on. When raising a baby, no one day is alike, and no one day ever goes as planned. Luckily, I have learned (for the most part) to throw the to-do lists out the window when it comes to my days home with Cade, otherwise I’ll end up feeling like a complete failure. But even with the lists gone, I can still find myself setting up my day as a monotonous set of tasks (laundry, pilates, breakfast, baby naps while I blog, walk dogs, lunch…etc). In the end, I never feel accomplished or satisfied, because even on some rare chance that I get everything I wanted to do done, how accomplished can one truly feel over folding laundry and walking dogs?

For me, I thought getting a job outside of our home would give me an opportunity a couple times a week to revel in a sense of accomplishment. To go out and get stuff, real stuff, done. I thought it would add more meaning and purpose to my life.

Currently, my husband is the bread winner. This is something that has taken a lot of adjusting to for us both. Since the age of 12, I have always worked in some way, shape, or form. I am use to earning my own money. So this whole me-earning-none-of-the-money thing is very difficult for me. I feel like a little kid having to ask my husband for money to buy every little thing. Even worse than that are the days I forget to ask for money, and realize I am stranded without him…or his wallet. To top it all off, the fact that he is the sole earner has lead to a sense of inequality within our marriage. Don’t get me wrong, my husband whole heartedly supports me staying home to take care of Cayden, but after a 14 hour day of working in the rain, I know things can get resentful real quick when I tell him about my day of cooking, cleaning, pilates, and maybe even the occasional nap.

I thought that getting this job would help us regain the equality we originally had in our marriage. Prior to Cade’s birth, I worked and things felt more equal. Even though I know our family wouldn’t survive without the things I do on the day to day, it’s hard to feel as if it has equivalent value to my husband’s job because there is no dollar amount associated with the hours of my time I spend with Cade. I thought that by bringing in some income I could feel more independent, and like I was contributing more to our home and our relationship.

So I did it. I sent in my resume, I interviewed, and thanks to an amazing recommendation from a dear friend, I got the job. I filled out the paperwork. I got my training schedule. I am suppose to start Wednesday.

But when I got home this evening from the paperwork signing, something hit me. I don’t want to do it. I’m not ready to do it. As I nursed Cade to sleep, I began to cry. I don’t want to leave him yet.

Tomorrow morning, I am going to call and turn down the job I sought out and signed up for and probably look and feel like an ass. And that is completely ok with me. Because even though the job might have given me some temporary sense of accomplishment or financial equality, it would be taking away from time with my son. That is something I can never get back. I don’t want to look back in hindsight and regret that I did not cherish more time with him. A job will always be there. My baby boy will not.

Being a mother is the most important and yet completely undervalued job there is on the planet. If you are an incredible mother, very few people will notice and no one will pay you for your job well done. However, if you’re a bad mother or your kid turns out to be a fuck up everyone will blame you and hate you for eternity. Such is life with a child.

In life though, we will always be given choices, and the opportunity to make decisions. There is never an easy answer. People will tell you that you are making the right decisions and at the same time someone else will tell you that you are doing everything wrong. All I know is that I want to cherish the time I have with Cayden. I never want to forget how blessed I am to have it. I know that in time, money and marriage and myself will all figure themselves out and find a proper balance within our life. They always have. And in the mean time, things won’t be that bad, because I’ll be spending it with my beautiful son.

Madeline Wilson’s life changed forever when she discovered she was pregnant during her junior year of college. Five months later she was married, and nine months later her and her new husband welcomed their beautiful son, Cayden. Madeline Wilson strives to be the best young mom she can be, and enjoys crafting, cooking, and hiking with her family and two dogs. She blogs at The Multi-Tasking Mama.