I miss dating.
On our first date (wow, eight years ago), it was a BIG DEAL. We were infatuated with each other, always touching each other in some way. Our physical connection didn’t need to be nurtured—it just was. We loved lounging around on the couch, his head in my lap, our hands entwined. We held hands as we drove somewhere and hugged each other with intention whenever we saw each other after an absence.
But now.
Now? I’m 26 and my husband is 31. We aren’t the same 18 and 23 year-olds we once were. We’re still young, of course, but having kids has made its impact on our relationship, both inside and outside of the bedroom. We still kiss “Good morning” and “Good night” and we still fall asleep holding each other for the most part. But our intimacy during the day has taken a hit. It’s hard to just lounge on the couch with each other when the kids keep demanding your attention.
We went through a period of about two years where sex was pretty rare. And it wasn’t that passionate, throw ’em down on the couch sex either. It was that “Oh, it’s been a while since we’ve had sex? Well, let’s do it, then, I guess, if you wanna” type of sex. Ugh!! LOL
Even now that our kids are older (5 and 4) it’s still hard to find that “spark.” I want to get dressed up and have a romantic evening, but a lot of nights, we’re on the couch, eating too much Chinese food and falling asleep in the middle of the movie. It’s comfortable, sure and I enjoy any time we spend together doing anything, but since money is tight, we make do.
It does take effort. I find that we’ve had to find our groove of what works for us. My hubby knows that if the kids were driving me bananas all day, he better not touch me at night. Stay on your side of the bed, dude. I know if he eats too much at dinner, he’s going to be too full for sex. So now I’m filling his plate with veggies instead of pasta.
I do my best to try to look “cute.” I buy new pajamas sometimes or a new bra and try to show it off in front of him. It’s the little things, I’m discovering. Men don’t really care about stretch marks or boobs that don’t sit as high as they used to. They don’t care if your thighs jiggle when you laugh. They just like to see your body. A naked body is a naked body.
My husband tries to check in with me more to see how my days are going and if there’s anything he can do to help. That is invaluable to keeping the spark going.
My point is—we’re trying. And that effort—buying new pajamas every once in a while or making her favorite dinner just because—is really all you can do. You might be able to have sex all over the house like you used to or be able to take weekend trips at the drop of a dime but the romance, that spark, can still be there.
What do you think? Is it harder to keep the spark in your relationships when your children are little?
Effort is the key! With a 4 year old and a new baby on the way myhusband and I have to work extra hard to make sure we’re spending time to nourish our relationship. Date nights don’t come as often as we’d like but puttin the kid to bed early once a week gives us a few extra hours to focus on each other. It’s work but it’s a MUST!
I say it’s really hard to keep the spark alive when the kids are little. Children demand so much of your time, and patience, that sometimes (even if we don’t realize it) our patience runs out. We settle for comfortable. We are like that too. At the end of the day, I’m exhausted from taking care of my daughter all day and at the end of the day, the last thing I want to do is watch TV. Instead, we spend the time on the couch talking or doing other things 😉
I say it does take effort, like Nicole said, but I also think it’s understanding from both parties that you’re more comfortable in your relationship. Which is not necessarily a bad thing.
It is hard, and sometimes the flame flickers in and out. That’s going to happen when you have children. Our kids are 4 and 6, so we have to make a huge effort. I try to remember what made me feel those passionate feelings, and sometimes, you just have to take advantage of times you have together (without the kids), even if it is only 30 minutes. When I feel like things are getting a little dry, I will not hesitate to take a trip to Fredericks.