Source: BMWK
I had my first “real” boyfriend at 15. That number sounds so young to me now, maybe it doesn’t to you.
This guy was not cute. He was not smart. He was not anything. All he was, in my head, was a guy who was interested in me, and to someone with notoriously bad self-esteem that meant he was special. He was worth attaching myself to.
So we dated most of high school. I went to an all-girls Catholic school and there were few prospects of guys I could actually date. I lived in the suburbs with both my parents, two sisters and a puppy. It was all so “safe.” I wanted something different. So when this guy strolled into my life, raised by a single mom, in a “bad” high school in a dangerous neighborhood, I thought it was exciting. Different than what I was used to.
It was a horrible relationship in every way. He was emotionally abusive and lazy. Isn’t that a horrible combination? LOL. The only thing I learned is that I needed to be smarter about who I spent my time with and who I gave my body to.
I don’t know what I was in a rush for. I really don’t. At that point in my life, I didn’t value sex. I wasn’t thinking about intimacy or the beauty in being intertwined with someone and having just the slightest touch make you lose your breath. Shoot, I wasn’t even thinking about pleasure. Why do teens have sex? Because it feels good? I guess. All I know is that from my experience (as little as it may be), teenage boys are not looking to make their partners feel good. They’re not looking for that type of validation. They’re looking for, well, sex.
As a teen, I often wished I had a big sister, someone to sit me down and say, “Listen, your hormones are all crazy and you’ve got this guy in your ear trying to get you naked. Wait a little longer. There is no rush.” My parents and friends, to their credit, tried very diligently to raise some red flags but I was too stubborn to listen.
Sex in my twenties (shoot, even after having kids) has been so much better than anything I could have experienced in my teens, even with all the extra energy I had, even with the perky boobs and flat stomach and not-yet-settled in cellulite. Sex back then was just something I did because I was in a three-year relationship and I really liked the guy (we said “love” back then but now I know what we had wasn’t it). Sex was something that was supposed to happen when you’ve been with someone so long, right?
Ugh, I could kick Old Me in the face for being so dumb.
I don’t know when women are reaching their sexual peak but I know it ain’t at 16 or 17. Now that I’m in my 20s, I know what I want. I’m confident enough to tell my husband what I like and to be vulnerable in that way that you can only be when you’re naked. Now? Sex is fun. It’s enjoyable. It makes me happy and gets rid of the most stubborn headaches. After the first time I had sex I thought, “That’s it? This is what everyone’s talking about? I’m bored and my legs hurt.” Now, you will catch me skipping around the house after my husband and I have gotten intimate. It’s incredible. Why didn’t anyone tell me about this?
We’re talking your first time today. Regret it? Don’t regret it? What do you wish people had told you about sex?
I do regret having sex @ 17. But I thought I was in love and really I wasn’t. I could have waited.
I feel very fortunate to have a mother who had me while she was in high school and was able to be very open and honest about that struggle …. it was so real to me that my mothers youngest sibling (my aunt) ended up only being 4 yrs older than me. When I got my period in 4th or 5th grade the conversation btwn my mother and I was amazing and because of that I was a college sophmore//junior (graduated a year early) before losing my virginity to my high school sweetheart …. we didn’t last but i was definitely completely ready and understanding of the meaning behind why i chose to give him a piece of me. Since then I went into another long relationship resulting in my daughter and then a newly ended relationship…. I might get it right one day.
The guy I lost my virginity too I thought I was in love with. I think I was 19 years old. I knew he didn’t feel the same way but as soon as he showedme the sslightest bit of attention, I held on to that. At this point my self esteem was crap and he treated me terribly but hey, he wanted to be intimate so that meant something right? Ugh, there is so much I could say to my younger self that I wish someone told me. No one in my family talked to me about sex. I learned about condoms in school and how awesome sex was from my friends. Oh how much I’ve grown since then, and it took a while.
my mom wasn`t shy when talking about the birds and the bees but as for the actual experience, i only knew what my friends told me. My first time was at 18 with my current boyfriend. it was distrastrous. i had no idea what i was doing and i was scared. this wasn`t until like 4 or 5 months into our relationship and it took me awhile to feel confident and get in the groove of sex. now, i am confident enough to know how to please him and be adventurous. i don`t regret it. i wouldn`t want my first time with anybody else. we plan on getting married and are expecting our first baby in April.
It would REALLY help if we told girls THIS is the reason they should wait. Yes, STDs and unintentional pregnancies are real, but I think scaring them into waiting isn’t the right course of action. It really ain’t all that at that age. It’s way better when you can get as loud as you want (because you pay the mortgage) for as long as you want, and neither of you has to go home afterward.
In my family, it has only been the scare tactic. If someone had really sat down and really talk about it, and the feelings that are associated with it, I would have understood so much better. Like many women, we tend to find out these things on our own. But when my daughter comes of age I will be sitting down with her.
I don’t regret it, but I wish I’d waited a little longer. Clumsy sex isn’t good. No one tells you that, or maybe they do and at 15 or 16 we’re just too young to listen. I actually thought I’d lost my hymen in the bed we did it in, then frantically spent the next two hours searching for it so his mom wouldn’t find it. Only to get home, call my best friend, and have her freak with me. It wasn’t until later that I found out that the hymen doesn’t just get up and walk away. Someone should tell us that too!
OMG I totally agree. I remember thinking, is this all the rave?!?!? NOT! I do wish I waited. There is no reason to rush into this mess! That guy was on the wrong path & has been locked up since HS & won’t see the outside until we’re about 40 or 50. What a life waisted.
Anyway! I plan on having a talk with my daughter & reminding her that her body is her temple & she shld treat it as such. To value this intimate & not just GIVE it to ANYONE! All I remember was trying NOT to get pregnant!
It’s hard though; as an older sister (I got pregnant during my senior year of college–we waited 4 years to have sex, but became pregnant right away. Of course.) I worry about my younger sisters struggling with having sex, especially with the wrong guys. But it’s so hard to take advice from people when you’re in that situation. I just hope and pray for the best for them and hope they know they deserve a guy who treats them like a queen.
I completely understand in a way as a big sister I wanted to show my younger sisters that it was okay to wait until you were done with school, established, and ready to not only have sex but if a child were to occur from that act you would be prepared to be a parent. I must say though I have 1 sister who is 26 finished with grad school and still no children even while living with her boyfriend for the past 3 years and 1 sister who although had a child almost 1 year ago still managed to finish 2 years in college and while working now is finishing her degree as well. They both waited until after high school to have sex …. I THINK :-/
@Tamaira – I don’t think either of my sisters have had sex yet (early 20s) and I’m grateful! I try to talk to them as much as I can and I hope they are listening. I got some wisdom now! LOL
I am very amazed by the fact that most of the girls in US lose their virginity before 20. In India it is considered as a sin to have sex before marriage and girls in Urban India do not marry before 28 these days. But situation here in India is also changing with live-in relation has now become legal.
My first time was as a newlywed and I had no regrets. It only got better over time.
I’m glad you wrote this post. People like me have no basis of comparison when explaining to young folks and sometimes we get pooh poohed. But I don’t regret that though. Some people need to experience things for themselves and some learn from others.
My mom had a talk about sex with me. She explained the importance of waiting until marriage, but if I couldnt to protect myself and be with a person that I cared deeply for and vice versa. I do not regret having teenage sex. Yeah I know I had no business doing it, but honestly it was great and with my high school sweetheart whom I with today. What Id do for the amount of energy I had those days smh! I felt a deep connection then and I still do now its one of the reasons we decided to rekindle our love after a brief seperation. After 11 years of friendship and love, a set of twins and a baby on the way, I dont regret anything.
Sex in your 30’s is even better. For real. 😉 Great piece.
@Jenna – Yes!!
Of course my parents said that sex was a terrible, terrible thing to do out of wedlock, but they also said that masturbation, birth control, dating, or even being an artist or enjoying cauliflower or anything different from them would lead straight to hell. I knew that some of that had to be wrong. At the time (I was 19), I decided that it ALL must be wrong. So I had a bunch of terrible sex with people who didn’t love me or care about my wellbeing. I needed an authority figure to be honest with me about my options and allow me to be an individual without making me feel like I had to start entirely from scratch without ANY guidance. At least by the time I turned 21, I’d learned enough to handle alcohol better than sex. That could have gone real bad.